Why Bahrain Sucks

Bahrain is Broken

2011-03-18T12:55:00.001+03:00

The time when unspoken divides remained unspoken and hate was nothing but an itchy feeling at the back of your brain is officially gone. The old Bahrain, oft criticised, far from perfect, constantly annoying yet oddly endearing, is dead..

This is the new Bahrain that nobody wanted. It’s the Vista to the old XP, the unwanted sequel that never should have been. The events of the past month have altered the fabric of our existence in a profoundly disturbing way. Lines have been drawn, first in sand... and then with blood, tears, hate and idiocy. Evolution from an apolitical existence into a world flooded with political opinion should never happen overnight. At best, politics are a tumultuous bastard of a game that should be played carefully. But we, the all-knowing, the wise, the arrogant, the holier than thou people of this broken Kingdom, we take sides and cling desperately to them without knowing why, how or what the fuck is going on. We presume to be knowledgeable, and use our new found genius to indoctrinate those who know not what we know. We dismiss conflicting opinion, and rather than engage constructively, or god forbid, intelligently, we wage war. The crack in our society has grown into an abyss.

We can only blame ourselves, collectively, for the tsunami of shit that rains down on us. Idiots hijacked the promise of a new tomorrow, turned it into a competition, cheated and then pretended to win. Instead of actually uniting, people spoke of unity and then somehow managed to bastardise the concept entirely. People pointed fingers and threw blame about so wantonly that the whole fucking world is now stained with it. This was never about sides. This was about reality, existence, inequality, transparency and dignity. But then blood was spilled. And fingers pointed. And, logically yet tragically, demands became louder. And more stubborn. And more confused. Every passing moment detracted from the urgency of the movement. Instead of seizing the moment that circumstances, bravery and the blatant idiocy of the powers that be had created, it was squandered by idealism. Idealism that for a fleeting moment energised Bahrain, electrified the population and gave rise to the most amazing thing... real, true, actual freedom of speech. People spoke without fear. Hushed whispers turned into heated discussions. Bahrain was evolving. Everybody, pro or anti, for or against, idiotic or otherwise... everybody participated. Everybody got a chance, a brief chance, to feel what Bahrain could be like had cooler heads prevailed.

We had this new gift, this power, and we knew not how to use it. We tested it out. We exploited it. We abused it, just to see if it was real. And with every passing day this new gift polarised us further. Those demanding change lost their clarity under murky veils of understandable, justifiable, but ill-advised hatred. Those afraid of change responded to hate with hate. Instead of taking a step back and attempting to understand the complexity of the situation that Bahrain was in, everything became about sides. Pro and Anti were the buzzwords that destroyed Bahrain. And sensing opportunity, the propaganda machine stepped up a gear. Or three. They worked on the cracks with jackhammers and dynamite. Bahrain’s media, particularly BTV- the sick, idiotic bastards that they are - threw as much fuel on the fire as they possibly could. Hope suddenly turned into fear. Protesters were labelled rioters and terrorists. Mercenaries and thugs were called protesters. Bahrain was suddenly gripped by fear, confusion and a disturbing amount of hatred. Everything went wrong.

Precious time ticked away. Frustration became anger. And anger turned into violence again. And now we’re all well and truly fucked.

The prospect of exciting change, of evolution, that lurked teasingly on the horizon was replaced by foreign armies, live ammunition, a state of emergency and the obliteration of human rights. The promise of equality and democracy was ripped apart and set on fire. Bullets are being used to silence words. Progression became repression in the blink of an eye. Freedom of speech is no more. Freedom is no more.

Bahrain is no more.

It was never anti-government.. It was always pro-equality. It was never pro-government.. It was anti-change. It was never unity, because unity is an illusion in politics. A myth. Unity was the third way, a middle road that confused one side and angered another before being hijacked by both. The refusal of Bahrain to understand, manage and thrive in a world of divergent opinion was our undoing. We’re all arrogant bastards and we should all be ashamed of ourselves.

And if you want to blame something, if you need to blame something, blame BTV. Whores.

Enjoy captivity. It’s not like you’ve got a choice.

Hahaha?

2010-10-13T18:30:00.000+03:00

Postless perhaps but angry still. An eventful few months have passed since last I wrote anything, though to speak of certain events is tantamount to treason so perhaps I’ll just complain about something obscure for now.

Jokes. They’re supposed to make people laugh. To lighten moods and turn frowns upside down or whatever. Sure, they can often be crude, risque, stupid, pointless, racist, mean or just shit, but should they be illegal? Because here in the sunny, free, gloriously democratic and wonderfully self-referential Kingdom of Bahrain, they practically are. Type ‘jokes’ into google. The majority of the first several pages of returns all transport us magically to the site blocked screen of doom.

Why? Because by protecting our children and children's children from the vagaries of humour we can build a better, more serious Bahrain. Obviously. A more serious Bahrain is a more productive Bahrain. A more devout Bahrain. A better Bahrain. Probably.

By casually dismissing censorship we’ve allowed it to run rampant. First the subjectively offensive was deemed blockworthy. Then the ridiculously obscure was put in an idiotic cage. Opinion is and will continue to be illegal. Translating stuff is still somehow wrong, for some reason far to imbecilic to comprehend. Nothing is safe because of the argument that nothing is safe. And so the vicious cycle of censorship will continue, plodding along pointlessly under the guise of protecting our populace from the evils of porn, politics and prognostication.

Anyway... we all know censorship is bad and if you disagree your opinion matters about as much as mouldy cheese as far as I am concerned. But be warned... next time you tell a joke, or you hear a joke, or even dare to think about a joke, remember.. that shit is illegal. There’s probably a secret undercover humour cop lurking about nearby, ready to pounce at the first hint of laughter. What’s ironic is that making jokes illegal, whatever the reasoning may be, is utterly hilarious.

More soon. Hopefully.

Horton hears a what?

2010-03-09T01:32:00.006+03:00

Typical Les. He went and missed the point. He never came close to finding the point. In fact, he managed to somehow derive his very own point out of thin air. Or maybe it was the 'internet cloud'. Anyway...

"

A literary career down the toilet?

I had to laugh when a friend sent me a link to a blogsite featuring the rantings of a character calling himself The Dude, who appears to be unhappy with everything in Bahrain - including the GDN and myself.

Featured on the site is a survey titled 'How Crap is Les Horton', in which the blogger's followers were invited to vote on my performance as a columnist.

These range from 'Monumentally' (crap), through 'Incredulously', 'Stupendously' and 'Like, totally', to 'Only partially'.

Fifty-four per cent hit 'Monumentally', which would be cause for concern had the anonymous blogger not been honest enough to post that this amounted to four out of a total of just seven votes, after which the poll was closed.

I am not sure whether that means that only seven people thought my column even worthy of insult, or if they were the only people tapping into the site.

But my gratitude goes out to the sole voter who clicked "Only partially", which suggests that all is not completely lost as far as my career goes.

Anyone who puts themselves on the public stage should expect to have to dodge the odd rotten tomato and I take no offence at all from any criticism that may come my way.

In fact, I am rather fond of my personal 'stalker' who entertains my colleagues and I with the most imaginative insults, though has never had the courage to put his name to his emails.

Likewise, The Dude hides behind a pseudonym as he dismisses my work as "the ramblings of an unspectacular mind scrawled onto paper by a lacklustre hand" - and that's just the polite bit.

When I first saw the site, I was tempted to pick up the gauntlet and invite readers to answer the question which headlines his now defunct poll - but this could prove to be a double-edged sword.

Should thousands of you write in my defence, there may be a strong chance of a pay rise, even in these times of corporate belt-tightening.

But should the votes go the other way, I could just as easily find myself out of a job, or at least silenced and would have to, as The Dude put it, pack away my crayons

Where to begin? First of all, that Les could dedicate an entire column to something as trivial and self-serving as a poll about himself is precisely why I have a problem with his column and the GDN. Play it like you're a good sport and bask in the glow of your 'fame' while you drown in support from far and wide. Don't get a snorkel just yet Les.

Yes, that the poll closed automatically after however long the poll was open for is an oversight on my part, but it was just there for novelty value anyway. The only opinion that matters is my own. That's what opinion is all about. Opinion should, like an onion, be firm and rather strong. Layered? Why not. A useful ingredient in just about any cooking? Sure, I guess. Seven votes. Disappointing perhaps, but also, considering this blog is planted in the far reaches of the interweb, not bad either. Considering ol' Les boy got himself one entire letter of support, I could say I win. But I wont. Because we all know that I have already won. Twelve thousand copies a day according to the last time I perused a rate card. One response. Talk about conversion rates. What he's done there is:

a) Demonstrate how ineffective the GDN is an advertising medium, and/or

b) Demonstrate how few people give a damn about Les's trivial 'musings', and/or

c) Reinforce my convictions about the pointlessness of print media, and

d) Remind us all of how little actual news the GDN bothers to waste its ink on.

Les's focus seems to be on this poll. Not a whisper or a mention of the fact that I went and accused one of his colleagues of the P word. As an editor, deputy or otherwise, shouldn't he give a bit of a hint of a damn? I reckon he did, anonymously, though it is sheer speculation on my part. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't journalism - Mr. Horton's chosen or happened upon profession - about things like news and integrity? I'll pause so he can dust off that thesaurus...

Moving on. Yeah, I hide behind a pseudonym. Because I am a coward? Yeah, sure, I'll take that. Excuse me for not blatantly attempting to get myself thrown behind bars for assaulting the myth of press freedom in our Kingdom. I'm not overly political, but I am opinionated and not utterly imbecilic. Would I leave the press and the fabled GDN to speak for me should I end up being drawn and quartered? Hell no, because I am not retarded, or at least I don't think I am.

I seek no recognition (mostly due to laziness as opposed to modesty), something Les would be hard pressed to understand. I just want to complain, and that's what I've been doing. Furthermore, the pseudonym exists because the primary function of this blog was that of a social experiment - an attempt to see how information disseminates in our society when people actively seek out information. This blog began because of Internet censorship, and I was curious to know how long it'd be before someone I knew figured out who was spewing pointlessness in random directions for no apparent reason. Not that long apparently. About two weeks as I recall. This blog has never, not once, been promoted in person by myself. Not to family, not to friends. I have told nobody of it's existence in an attempt to keep my experiment pure. Idiotic? Perhaps. But I care not. I now know that should people seek opinion, like minded or not, they can find it despite the best attempts of our Ministries to thwart free speech while Les and his colleagues blow fascist trumpets in attempts to drown out the noise of dissent.

What next? His use of the term 'stalker' is far from accurate. Les, like he said, is in the public eye. I, as a member of the public, occasionally happen upon his musings while delicately handling germ-ridden media whilst waiting for something inane like overpriced coffee. I have long believed that the space utilised for his column could be put to better use. When I read in bewilderment his ignorance regarding 'cloud computing' I turned thoughts into words, and so began this banal saga of microscopic proportions. That he admitted openly to being ignorant on the subject matter does not forgive the genuine level of ineptitude on display in that particular slice of dumb, and I decided to share my opinion with whoever the hell decided to stumble this way. How, in any sense of the word, does that make me a stalker? Sure, if I wanted to I could find out where Les live thanks to the privacy-raping awesomeness of the World Wide Web, but why would I want to do that? Les does not fascinate me. I am not attracted to him. What other requisites are there for bandying about a term like stalker? Weird. Perhaps it's a fantasy or something.... but I digress...

Lets get back to Les's words... "never had the courage to put his name to his emails". Damn. That I need to point out to a 'journalist' that there is a fundamental and obnoxiously obvious difference between emails and blog posts is, at this stage, unsurprising and vaguely depressing, like just about everything we've come to expect from Les and the GDN. Just because it's on a computer doesn't make it an email. A painting is not the same as a photograph, even if they both exist on paper. Trivial, yes, but revealing nonetheless. Surely someone purporting to be a journalist should be somewhat closer to understanding that big 'ol internet, seeing as how it's bringing about the demise of their beloved print media and its corresponding advertising income, i.e. the bread that buys his bread. When people said the Internet was the future, that was in the past Les. The internet is now. Like it or loathe it, it was not a fad. Take a class or something.

I'm bored now. But just so you know, using words like 'gauntlet' and 'double-edged' sword do not make you scary or intimidating. They do however make Les read like an imperialist crusader with an obvious ego surplus. I'd suggest burying hatchets and whatnot, but this is way too much fun. One last question... has anyone ever accused Les's career of being 'literary'?

Until next time,

Goodnight and good luck <---- google it. Teach yourself a thing or two about 'journalism'.

Plagiarise This

2010-02-10T04:11:00.006+03:00

It will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever glanced at my blog that my next rantathon will be directed, once again, at the GDN. Why? Well, a few months ago I remember glancing at a car review, by the 'Voice of Bahrain's' very own Mandeep Singh. It was oddly familiar, yet the prose was inconsistent. And then I realised why. I'd read most of it online. Not on the GDN's atrocious excuse for a website, nooooo.... somewhere else entirely. After a brief consultation with my old pal google, Mr. Mandeep's plagiarism was glaringly obvious. The car in question was a Bentley, and for any doubters, naysayers or GDN-lovers, I provide links - one of which required digging into the GDN's archives. You're welcome. But first, let's compare one passage of these reviews...

From the GDN:

Putting all the hand-hewn grunt to the pavement is a seamless all-wheel-drive system with a 40:60 front-to-rear torque bias. As impressive as the drive train is, it pales in comparison to its ceramic rotors the size of a large party platter and eight-piston calipers to virtually pull your eyeballs from their sockets the second you step on the brake pedal.

From popularmechanics.com:

Putting all the hand-hewn grunt to the pavement is a seamless all-wheel-drive system with a 40:60 front-to-rear torque bias. As impressive as the drivetrain is, it pales in comparison to the Supersports' brake system. The car uses ceramic rotors the size of a large party platter (16.5 inches) and eight-piston calipers to pull your eyeballs from their sockets the second you step on the left pedal.

See what Mandeep did there? He dropped a few words - 'the Supersports' brake system. The car uses' - and a measurement - '(16.5 inches)' - and presto! Original content is born!

The reviews in full. Spot the differences:

Popular Mechanics Bentley review

Mandeep's Bentley review

Anyway... a recent bout of curiosity got me a-thinkin that this might not have been an isolated incident. So I decided to ask uncle Google a few more questions, and lo and behold, I found me (quite easily) a couple more examples of cut-'n-paste-itis. All courtesy of the same Mr. Mandeep Singh. All car reviews, because I have not the energy nor the inclination to look into his (or anyone else's) other bodies of work. Blatant plagiarism, passed off as objective opinion. In the first person. With a byline. The most recent of which dates back a whole, entire fortnight. And then, well, it gets a bit pathetic. I decided to compare reviews, line for line, word for word. Tedious, yes. But also, rather enlightening. The car in question this time was the Renault Koleos. A car I'd never heard of. Available from, as you'd expect, a beloved GDN advertiser... Y.K Almoayyed. Here is what I discovered:

Mandeep's review was 938 words long. Of his 938 words, 545 words were stolen from another review. Word for bloody word. The remaining 393 words might belong to Mr. Singh and the GDN, or they could've come from somewhere else entirely. 59% of the review was plagiarised. The other 41%, well, who fucking cares?

The Renault Koleos - Compare and contrast:
Mandeep's review

Another review

Now, while Mandeep is clearly at fault, surely someone else somewhere in the editorial department should have at least raised an eyebrow? Yeah, I'm talking to you Les. And you George. And whoever else there is pulling the strings at that dismal excuse for a news organisation. Why would Mandeep bother trying when he knows he can just get by with a little help from his internet? I probably wouldn't, though I don't claim to be a bastion of integrity, journalistic or otherwise. Neither, for that matter, does the GDN - but only because they'd have to actually write something ORIGINAL to do so.

It makes me wonder... does Mandeep actually test drive the vehicles in question? Perhaps he just borrows the cars to nip to the shops with his homies on weekends and then nabs a bit of text to pretend he knows what he's talking about. If that's the case, surely the PR guys at just about every dealership in Bahrain are feeling a bit ripped off? Nah, that'd presume PR folk knew a thing or two about a thing or two, which they don't.

I know he did drive the Bentley, because I was there when he did. I was there when his photographer had the audacity to attempt to push Mr. Singh to the front of the queue because he was so very 'busy'. Seriously. I have witnesses. So busy that he couldn't string a bunch of words together all by his lonesome, despite the fact that, well, ITS HIS JOB. Arrogance and plagiarism make a really ugly cocktail, known to the masses as the GDN. Whether this word-heist is legally actionable or not I do not know. Nor do I really care. I just wanted to prove a point.

I am aware that the majority of content is sourced from news wires, press releases and advertisements, so in terms of actual writing, there is precious little for our esteemed journalists to actually do. Add to that the fact that the majority of local content is comprised of barely legible quotations from self-promoting imbeciles and you'd be forgiven for questioning whether the writing staff of the GDN actually do anything at all - aside of course from expressing their views in unfocussed, boring columns and strutting their journalistic stuff at every press conference kind enough to offer decent freebies.

What other content are they attempting to pass off as original? For all I know, my rant about Les Horton (see below) could've been misplaced... 'As I See It' could be the words of another inane journo-hack from another suitably dodgy tabloid, edited briefly to ensure a whiff of authenticity. I have a suggestion - sack the writing staff and just give Google a byline every now and then. Then Bahrain might not feel quite as ripped off.

One for the road (yeah, it's a pun. Deal with it) The Lincoln MKZ - Mix and match:
Mandeep's Lincoln review
Lincoln's official Press release
The other Lincoln review

And before any random Anonymous folk start accusing me of having too much time on my hands let me be clear - I do. I have too much time on my hands. Sue me. Pity me. Envy me. Hate me. I don't care.

No more, No Les.

2010-01-30T16:39:00.002+03:00

I would like to take this opportunity to officially ask Les Horton to put down his crayon, once and for all. His 'column' in the GDN is bland, pointless, rambling and seemingly written by someone in the 8-10 age group. His opinion(s) are flaccid and his arguments are unsubstantiated. His prose is shockingly colourless and infantile. I, and many others like me, have had enough of his patronizing tone. We, the people of Bahrain, do not deserve to be treated like retards. The Gulf Daily News, for all it's many, many shortcomings, remains one of Bahrain's only forums for discussion and opinion. Surely the literate masses deserve better than 'As I See It', the ramblings of an unspectacular mind scrawled onto paper by a lacklustre hand and published in all their monotony in the monochrome pages of mediocrity that has the audacity to label itself the 'Voice of Bahrain'.

It is clear that the GDN struggles to find content. It is obvious that original thought is included as a mere afterthought; as padding between advertorials, press releases and cinema listings. So it is nothing less than tragic to think that something as rare as opinion be relegated to the desk of a second-tier hack with a genuine inability to explore an idea, an opinion or even a passing thought. Try as I might, I have never once been enlightened, excited, enthused or even merely interested in Mr. Horton's unstructured mumbling. If anything, I sympathise with his position, as unstructured rambling is something I do often, as can be evidenced right here on this blog. And that, Mr. Horton, is where your opinion should be confined. To some easily-accessible, inexpensive, tree-saving, entirely avoidable nether-region of the world wide web. Donate your printed words to someone interesting. To someone intelligent. To someone opinionated. To someone who will relish the opportunity to enlighten, argue or inform. Not Ali Al Saeed. Put down your crayon Mr. Horton. And then, use that point-and-click device the young 'uns love so much to 'surf' to www.blogger.com. It's free, easy and thankfully, obscure.

Am I being harsh? I provide links to RANDOM columns for your perusal. Judge for yourselves.

http://www.gulf-daily-news.com/NewsDetails.aspx?storyid=269522
http://www.gulf-daily-news.com/NewsDetails.aspx?storyid=269386
http://www.gulf-daily-news.com/NewsDetails.aspx?storyid=269313
http://www.gulf-daily-news.com/NewsDetails.aspx?storyid=269183

When confronted in the heavily-edited forum that is the letters section of the GDN, Mr. Horton had the decency to defend himself. In his own words (with comments in bold):

"I try to write about a broad mix of local or international issues, or personal experiences that I think others may relate to. (Try harder, or stop trying) "Some are intended to be light-hearted, since I don't believe people need lecturing to day after day and some are just thoughts about life which I believe will touch others. (i.e. shallow and/or lame) "Not everyone will like or relate to every column, but I like to think that each one touches someone. (They might, but only because the GDN is soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent) "I once wrote about being reunited with my brother after many years and received, as a result, a letter from one man who had been inspired by it to pick up the phone to his own brother for the first time in 20 years. (Way to save the world Les) "One lady in Saar wrote in response to my more personal columns that when she read them in the mornings, it felt like she was having coffee with a friend. (There it is... your audience. That one lady in Saar) "I hope you continue to read the column and find something to interest or entertain you, at least occasionally. (We live in hope, but the trees keep falling)

Enough Les. We've had enough. Please stop. The only people who will miss your scrawls as the stockholders of Crayola. We wish you well in all your future endeavours.

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

2010-01-21T15:22:00.005+03:00

Yeah, I know... I've been lazy again. I couldnt be bothered to complain, though that does not mean there isn't plenty to complain about.

(Wayward rant begins)

Parliament. Yeah, those guys. The bearded club of overpaid ignorance. They've been spouting and spewing again.

This time their gripe is, once again, with the profession for which Bahrain has garnered so much international attention recently: prostitution. A couple of weeks ago an urgent inquiry into the scale of prostitution in the Kingdom was launched. Necessary, I suppose. They voted to set up said inquiry after our one and only Ministeress of Culcha and Informayshon told them that they were 'exaggerating' the scale of prostitution in the Kingdom. Fair play. The Ministeress also took the time to blame our MPs for the 'misleading information that other countries were getting about prostitution in Bahrain'. According to her, the government is doing it's best to combat vice and the situation is 'under control'. Hurrah?

The smell of bullshit is overpowering. For once, the MPs seem to be on the right side. They took matters into their own hands after being blamed, lied to and patronized by the Ministry. It would seem, perhaps, that a pandemic of sanity was affecting our democracy. Not quite.

For whilst there are reasons enough to launch an inquiry that will inevitably be biased and pointless, they couldnt stop there. One overeducated, underpaid muppet took the time to blame Bahrain's 40% divorce rate on the prevalence of prostitution in the Kingdom. That's right ladies, germs and gentlemen... the reason so very many people in Bahrain hate their spouses enough to legally terminate their union is prostitution.

"Because of sleaze, our divorce rate in the country is around 40pc and our women and men have become victims of its effects."

Top notch ignorance. A+. First bloody class. I would pay to see his research. Actually, I wouldnt, but I reckon someone somewhere might. It's cause and effect, starting backwards.

Scenario A
Mr MP was sitting at home, staring at the latest figures for divorce, shaking his head in dismay, wondering how his beloved Kingdom started to lose it's lustre. And then, naturally, he started to think about prostitutes. As one does. And then it occurred to him: we have a divorce problem and a prostitution problem, so they must related. Directly. And his 'theory' was born.

Scenario B
Mr MP was recently divorced, owing to some indiscretions on Exhibition road and a possible STD. He started to think about how many of his peeps had suffered from the same itchy, lonely combination. Of his 10 homies, 4 had recently been divorced because of those darned whores. A few hours of number crunching and he had a figure: 40%. We must do something about this problem, he thought. So he went to parliament and spewed his new fact to the GDN.

Scenario C
Mr MP was standing outside a shop in Muharraq, staring at a plastic female mannequin. After several hours of leering, he went home to realise he'd missed his wedding anniversary and his wife filed for divorce. Sleaze was the culprit and he was the victim. Of the ten people he hung out with outside that shop window, four ended up in divorce court.

Scenario D
Mr MP just made up some random statistic to spew at his weekly meeting of Ignorance Anonymous

Anyway, Shaikha Mai was at the parliamentary house of logic to respond to a question by an MP on the "reasons behind the closure of discos and dance floors and a ban on alcohol and live entertainment in one and two-star hotels, while higher-rated hotels were spared the ban."

"The question is -- are dance floors, alcohol and prostitution against Islamic values in one and two-star hotels and not in the rest? "For years, MPs in this chamber have addressed the issue and demanded real solutions to the problem, but there has been no significant achievement in combating sleaze and it continues going on unchecked."

Decent question. Fair point. And then he goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid, again. He said, again according to the GDN, that hotel car parks and surrounding areas were filled with GCC-registered cars throughout the week and especially during weekends, with men coming from other countries for the prostitution and nightlife. And that "No action has been taken against these hotels where those cars are parked".

Umm... they're hotels. HOTELS. Where people from, yknow, other countries stay when they come to Bahrain. Would you prefer a scenario where there were no cars outside the hotels, or perhaps you envisage a Bahrain where the only patrons of our hospitality industry are Bahraini? Cause that wouldnt be sleazy. Nah. That'd be normal. Lets spend time and money discussing ways to 'take action' against the hospitality industry because of GCC-registered cars. Fucking genius. Yeah, the hotels are jam-packed full 'o sleaze. But is it really fair, or practical, or actionable, or even remotely sensible to approach something as endemic as Exhibition Road's sleaze from such an idiotic, bottom-up approach?

The goverments position is rather clear, in a totally vague kinda way.

"We have a respected hospitality industry and demanding a curb on our tourist facilities and describing them all as being full of sleaze, gives the impression that there is no need for a probe, considering that the judgement has been already made." ... " The proposal has to be changed to some and not all facilities, because these things have to be proven by a probe committee"

I'm losing track. MP's are against sleaze and hospitality, but the goverment says the sleaze is under control and that the hospitality industry is respected. No one wants to damage Bahrain's reputation, but both sides manage to do so by engaging in such a fruitless, unsubstantiated debate. MPs love Bahrain, but not one with foreign cars (or foreigners) in it. Government made rules about 1 & 2 star hotels but say that things have to be proven by a probe committee, eons after the rules came into effect, which just aint fair.

Whatever. I'm just complaining. The real culprit here would seem to be the lack of objective, professional journalism, courtesy of the GDN. Has it not occurred to the 'reporters' to ask questions? Is that too much to ask from the 'Voice of Bahrain'? It would seem so.

And now I'm off in search of direction. I need something new to complain about. Suggestions?

HAH!

2009-10-28T02:39:00.002+03:00

Just after posting the last post about whatever I noticed a headline on the side of the screen where the headlines like to hang out that made me laugh. I didn't read the story, but I can guess what's in it. Anyway, the headline read:

Weiner Condemns Bahrain.

Awesome.

Free-dumb!

2009-10-28T00:45:00.006+03:00

Last week Reporters Sans Frontiers released their annual world index of press freedom. Who knew? It wasn't in any of the local news. Not even a mention. Care to guess why?

Because the only time our precious media is keen to report anything about league tables of whatever is when Bahrain climbs up in the rankings. And this year, according to RSF, Bahrain have plummeted a whopping 23 places, down from 96 to 119. Impressive. We're tied with Angola, and just one measly place ahead of Bangladesh - also recently dubbed 'the most corrupt country on earth' or something to that effect. We're well behind Qatar, Oman, the UAE and Kuwait, but not to worry - at least we're ahead of Iraq, Iran, Saudi, Egypt and Libya.

All this in a year where Bahrain has been talking up it's free press credentials. Just a pointer- pretending that we have free press does not make it so. And publishing an endless tirade of propaganda in local media about how free our press is doesn't make it any more free.

Maybe we just misinterpreted the rules. Maybe the Minsteress for Informology and Culturisation thought that ensuring the BNA website was free of charge for all those brave enough to wrestle with the lingo was enough. Maybe they studied the price of our newspaper(s) in relation to the rest of the world and determined that while we weren't quite free (not counting Al Waseet of course), at least we are pretty cheap. I don't know.

But the biggest gripe I have is that our press is too fucking scared to even talk about how free our press isn't. Not even a whisper. Nothing. The Emirates mentioned it a bit, but that's because they only fell by a measly 17 places in the rankings, despite having new laws that make it illegal to say bad shit about anyone or the economy or someone's horse. We on the other hand, despite all our CAPITAL LETTERS professing Bahrain's awesomeness managed somehow to plummet a whopping 23 places. Our 'media' loves to talk about rankings - be it how 'Free' our economy is, how 'good' we are at football, that we are ranked 'high' in the UN human development index... but when it comes to talking about one of the only rankings that really matters... we get silence. It could be down to incredibly bad reporting, which we know is a chronic Bahraini disease. Maybe the GDN and whoever else didn't get emailed a press release to cut and paste. Whatever. We should all be ashamed.

Obama became president and the USA climbed 16 places or so. We get ourselves a new Minister of Informativeness and we plummet 23 places. Hmmm... If that's not a measure of job performance, what is?

Seriously, did anyone think Bahrain's press could get any worse? Any less 'free'? Lets blame democracy. And education. If people couldn't read, then publishers could print whatever the hell they felt like. Maybe if we made reading illegal, like most of the internet seems to be... Alternatively, lets just pretend we already know everything. Then there'd be no need for press, and hence press freedom would be irrelevant. Wait, don't we already do that?

Wahuuuuh?

2009-10-27T14:58:00.004+03:00

Another year, another mascot. Wahoooooooo, the oft-delayed waterpark in the City Centre mall, has done the one and only thing that Bahraini PR firms seem to be able to do these days: invented a mascot.

According to various media outlets, the "coolest turtle in town will be called Squirtle".

Now, Squirtle is an infinitely superior moniker to the BIC's Speedy. But... and this here is a nice, chunky, supersized but... It's the name of a Pokemon.

Yup. Bahrain's latest home-grown creation, named after a publicity spree and a competition in English and Arabic, with the help of 25 schools and over 500 participants, also just happens to be the name of a popular character from a thoroughly incomprehensible Japanese franchise.

They went with Squirtle because, according to Gulf Weekly, 'it rhymes with turtle and has a squirting water association'. And here's the best bit... three different participants, all aged 11, all from St. Chris, submitted the same name.

Mitchell Sandy, 11, from Jannusan, was the first to suggest the name and won a Wahooo! family pass to enjoy all the facilities once the waterpark is open and a goodie bag. Scarlet Robinson, 11, from Riffa, and Rebecca Dench, 11, from Janabiyah, also came up with Squirtle and won a family pass and tickets for the waterpark respectively.
The youngsters attend St Christopher's School and had no idea they all had individually come up with the same brainwave until they met at the awards ceremony on Saturday!

Bravo. It was a 'brainwave'. Or perhaps it could have had something to with the fact that the target demographic for Pokemon is children under the age of 12.

That nobody questioned the name is rather bewildering. For three separate individuals to submit the same name - a name that the management and PR peeps of Wahoooo! believe to be an original creation from the exceptionally gifted minds of 11 year old students - is somewhat suspect. Especially if they all spelt the name the same way, which I assume they did. Surely someone somewhere in the process would have gone to the extent of consulting the Google oracle, y'know, just to be sure. Nope.

Yes, this is rather mundane. Trivial in fact. And yes, I admit, I knew that there was a Pokemon character called Squirtle, thanks to a brief attempt at deciphering the children's craze of yester-decade - a task at which I failed miserably.

Pokemon is a registered trademark of Nintendo. I would assume that the trademark and copyright extends to the characters and their likenesses. And yes, there are likenesses. Squirtle the Pokemon thing is a Turtle-type creature thing that squirts water. And Squirtle the Wahoooooooo mascot is a Turtle that squirts water. The only real difference is that Squirtle, the Nintendo character, might possibly be part squirrel or something.

But seriously... Nobody in the entire process looked it up? Nobody thought that the imagination of children could be skewed by some lawsuit-crazed behemoth of intellectual property? It would seem not. More worryingly, none of the parents thought to bring it up. Perhaps because no parents can understand what the hell Pokemon is, but that's not really an excuse. If you don't know what it is your children are watching, playing or whatever, you probably shouldn't be letting them do it.

I'm hoping... no, I'm praying that we get ourselves a nice, big, international-headline grabbing lawsuit. It wont come to that. I might, y'know, email the legal department of Nintendo just for giggles. And if something this blatantly actionable doesn't get a PR monkey fired, nothing will.

Google 'Squirtle'. Google 'Squirtle Bahrain'. It's all Pokemon. Do you think the Ministry muppets who occasionally harass Bahrain's good ol' fashioned bootleg DVD stores will hanging around City Centre shouting and poking and whining as only the Ministry can do?

Is this news?

2009-10-01T17:15:00.006+03:00

It's been a while since I did myself the displeasure of attempting to read anything on the Ministry of Information's one and only Bahrain News Agency website. But, against my better judgement, I clicked on a link to a story that sounded like it'd be jam packed full of nonsensical goodness. And it was. So here it is.

The block capitals belong to the BNA, cut and pastified from their 'website'. The bold italics are all mine. Enjoy.

BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSIC IN OCTOBER

MANAMA, SEPT.30 (BNA) -- THE CULTURE AND NATIONAL HERITAGE SECTOR WILL ORGANIZE THE 18TH BAHRAIN INTERNATIONAL MUSIC FESTIVAL ON 10-16 OF NEXT OCTOBER.

Next October? Does that mean October 2010?

THE FESTIVAL WILL BE HELD AT THE CULTURAL HALL NEAR BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSEUM WITH THE PARTICIPATION OF GULF AND INTERNATIONAL MUSIC BANDS TO ENTERTAIN THE AUDIENCE WITH LOVE, BEAUTY AND PEACE SONGS AND MUSIC.

Awesome... I love beauty and peace songs and music. It's so much better than ugly and war songs and music, don't you think?

THE FESTIVAL, SINCE ITS FIRST INCEPTION ON SEPTEMBER 26, 1992, HAS PLAYED A VITAL ROLE IN THE GROWING CULTURE AND ARTS ARENAS IN BAHRAIN AND STOOD AS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MUSIC ACTIVITIES IN THE GULF.

Yeah. It's like really, totally popular, and millions of people flock to our Kingdom to enjoy the 'beauty and peace songs and music'. Every year, since 1992, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Bahrain invented happiness.

THE MUSIC FESTIVALS WHICH WORLD PEOPLES CELEBRATE REPRESENT SUITABLE OCCASIONS FOR PEOPLES AND CIVILIZATIONS TO MEET AND BUILD BRIDGES OF ACCULTURATION, SPECIALLY THAT MUSIC IS A FORM OF INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE.

Ladies and gentlemen... a lesson in sentence construction from the Ministry of Information. 'World peoples', because they are better than, well, aliens. So, the world peoples celebrate music festivals, and these music festivals are 'suitable occasions' for people to get together and try to love one another right now. Hey, I think I just infringed me a copyright. Woo hoo. Maybe the BNA just got the lyrics to 'Get Together', used Google Translate (they blocked it to keep it all to themselves), and after translating the English lyrics to German, then Dutch, Swahili, Arabic and then Back to English, we got ourselves this 'story'. And if music is a form of 'International Language' (lets not even get into the 'Specially'), surely all music would be 'blocked for violating the laws and regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. Just Like Google Translate.

THE CULTURE AND HERITAGE SECTOR SEIZES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXTEND THANKS AND APPRECIATION OF BROTHERLY AND FRIENDLY COUNTRIES' EMBASSIES, MINISTRIES AND ESTABLISHMENTS FOR THE SUPPORT THEY OFFERED TO THE ORGANIZERS.

What's a nice bit of news without some good ol' fashioned ass kissing?

And that's that. Don't y'all feel enlightened. It's really nice to see the positive impact Shaikha Mai's had since she took over the Ministry of Informativeness. I suppose the news would be important, if it didn't keep getting in the way of her dictatorial pointlessness. Do you think she's ever even seen the BNA website? EVER?

Inglorious Bastards.

2009-10-01T07:19:00.001+03:00

Bahrain used to be a polite country. Bahrainis have forever applauded themselves for being hospitable, friendly and courteous. It's just one of the ways they pat each other on the back. An unquantifiable, entirely subjective way with which to claim superiority over our neighbours. We might not be as rich, powerful, big or beautiful, but who cares? We are polite. We are gracious. Or so we believe.

This 'theory' can be disproved in seconds. Just get in your car, or someone else's car, and go for a short drive. Within seconds you will be transported into a place filled with hate, rage and utter stupidity. No matter where you are. No matter how good or bad the traffic is. It always ends the same. Honking, jousting for position, the occasional game of chicken and a complete lack of respect.

When did overtaking someone become a personal insult? Even if the person in the fancy, rather capable automobile in front of you is driving slowly, chatting on their phone or eating a shawarma or plucking their eyebrows, as soon as you try to overtake them they speed up. Not enough for you to get on your way, but just enough to prevent you getting in front of them. Because, god forbid, should you manage to get your vehicle between them and their destination, their whole day will go straight to hell.

Go to a mall, or somewhere else where people gather. Try to walk in a straight line. It's impossible. Even if you were there first. Even if you are on your way to somewhere with purpose. The right of way automatically belongs to the other person. This is the new Bahraini mentality. A superiority complex that is overwhelmingly undeserved plagues the people of this Kingdom.

Try being a pedestrian. Actually, don't, unless you harbor a particular desire for pain and/or death. If you are on foot, you are automatically classed as scum. Cross a road at your own peril. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. The only way the person in the shiny SUV will even consider not squishing you is if you look like you might scratch their bumper. Self interest prevails. Selfishness is now fashionable.

Politeness. It was our defining characteristic, and now, its all but gone. I applaud when I see a basic act of decency in public, so rare have they become. Without our manners we are nothing but island-dwellers. Pirates. Uncultured, self-absorbed snobs. Bastards. All of us.

We see it happen and we shrug it off. It has become a way of life. Decency doesn't just come and go... it takes generations to cultivate. And if we continue on our current trajectory, soon Bahrain will be known as that hostile, stuck-up little island overpopulated with assholes. With F1. And, ummm... F1. Y'know, those cars that go fast. My car goes fast. I'm better than you. Why are you here? Fuck off.

It's amusing. The one way we can claim superiority has led to a superiority complex. And our superiority complex has in turn eroded our superiority. Now, we're just arrogant. Can it be fixed? I don't know. Perhaps we should just throw in the towel. We could try to become the most bastardly nation on the planet - a place where self interest prevails, where assholes are cool, where general decency is extinct. Everyone would hate us, but who cares? The only opinion that matters is our own.

And, when people say

"Bahrainis are the rudest people we've ever heard of",

we, like Keith Richards, would reply...

"At least you've heard of us"

Riddle me this...

2009-09-30T01:00:00.003+03:00

Gulf Weekly, that free thing that comes with the GDN and is found kicking about coffee shops and waiting rooms, claims to be 'Bahrain's favourite community newspaper'. How many other 'community newspapers' in Bahrain can you name?

Take your time...

There's no rush....

This brainteaser wouldn't have been possible without the arrogance of the Al Hilal Group.

Beep Beep Arghhh.

2009-09-29T17:54:00.002+03:00

Alright. I am fed up. If I get one more f$%!ing text message ad courtesy of Batelco I will kill something. I never subscribed to anything. I never gave them permission to include my number in a database of numbers that they could sell to clients for SMS broadcasts. I have no recourse, no option to opt out of the 'service'. So I am stuck.

I don't care about the latest SALE at CENTERPOINT. I don't even know what Centerpoint is. I don't want to order Franks a lot. I have no desire to give BisB my money, even if they claim I can win loads of prizes. I will never, ever go to the SkyW@lk cafe in the Marriot apartments, so the two identical back-to-back messages they sent me were a double waste. This is harassment.

And then I get messages in Arabic. My phone doesn't support Arabic, so the messages read

shoe mart
oooooooo oooo oooooo oooooo

What utter bullshit. Why would anyone want a text message from shoe mart? I don't care how lonely someone is... getting a text message from shoe mart is just pathetic, plain and simple.

And who the hell wants not one, but three text messages from RAMEZ? Surely this is harassment. I'm going to start sending Batelco some harassing emails. I'd text them back, but I don't have their mobile number. I don't care how self-defeating that'd be... if I could annoy a handful of Batelco management with messages like -

'SPECIAL OFFER HAPPY TIME. FREE ONE FOR TWO, only TODAY. SEEF!!!!'

it'd be worth it. Totally worth it. Some Batelconians claim there is no way that our beloved Telecom would ever do something like sell broadcast messages to random clients. But that's a lie. Who the hell has ever given RAMEZ their phone number? And other Batelconians, some of whom were directly involved in the whole broadcast message thing, have made it clear that they'd sell anyone's number to anything. If a sheep wanted to tell the world that it was feeling slightly horny, Batelco would facilitate as long as it had some cash.

I'd ask the TRA to help me but I have a thing against flushing my time and energy down the toilet. I'd call Batelco and demand a free text message for each and every ad that they enable the godforsaken advertiser to annoy me with, but can you imagine how frustrating that conversation with customer care would be?

Fuck this. I just got another message, from Ramez. While I've been typing this rant I've received FOUR text messages from RAMEZ. No lie. Not one, not two, not three... but four. And they're all the same.

They discovered a new medium with which to harass the public, and true to form, they've abused it to the point that it is no longer even slightly effective. Just like they did with billboards. Just like they did with those goddamn streetlight ads. I remember, not long ago, the Ministry of Transport and the Municipality were arguing over who was entitled to the revenue from those lamppost ads. One Ministry took them down and the other put them back up. Maybe if I call the Ministry and tell them that Batelco is taking all the revenue from broadcast messages.... Telecoms fall under the domain of the Ministry of Transport, or at least they once did, for some reason I'll never quite understand... That might be fun. Although, has anyone ever managed to get a Ministry to answer a phone. I've heard stories, from the days of old... but I think they're lies.

I don't care if they send me four thousand messages. I'm not going anywhere near Ramez. Even if I really, really wanted to wander around a dirty warehouse full of reject Chinese merchandise, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Please, boycott every business that sends you stupid, annoying, harassing messages. And then, maybe, someone will learn something. It's doubtful. There's far, far too much stupidity going around these days, but it cant hurt to try.

The Great Swine Strategy 2: The Rethink

2009-09-23T14:44:00.008+03:00

It just keeps getting better, but only in a sarcastic way.

So there was the great rethink of our wonderfully bright Kingdom's swine flu strategy. Where all the decision makers got themselves together in a one-off attempt to do their jobs. Bravo. Pause for applause. And it was at this meeting of the 'minds' that it was decided to stagger the opening of schools. According to the GDN:

All secondary schools will stay closed until October 4, intermediate until October 11, primary until October 18 and kindergartens and special needs centres until November 1.

This new schedule of brain-numbing stupidity comes after a senior WHO (not the band) representative declared that keeping schools closed 'is not an option'. In fact, instead of doing any good, it would seem that delaying the inevitable until a season where oink-cough will spread more rapidly is irresponsible in the extreme. Let not this bother our decision makers though, for they have decided. God forbid we, y'know, listen to some advice. Naah. We know better. All the other countries are doing it wrong. They're stupid. They probably don't even know what a full-option S-class looks like. We on the other hand, we know our shit.

And it gets better (again, sarcastically). Much, much better. Apparently, this latest 'step' was taken to "safeguard the return of pupils to classes, particularly vulnerable groups such as young children and to alleviate pressure on the country's health services". Allegedly. But the Ministry of Health, the people charged with cleaning up the messy pandemic, have made it clear that they disagree with this decision. So, I wonder, aloud: who made this decision? Neither the WHO nor the Ministry of Health. In fact, both of these organizations, the very same institutions that logic would dictate have the most qualified opinions on this matter, disagree with our latest 'strategy'.

Now, if there was a meeting that was attended by the ministries of Health and Education and had some input from the WHO, and two of the aforementioned parties are against the new 'plan', logic dictates that the one remaining party is the party responsible. So, by using regression analysis and a bit of coin tossing, we come to the conclusion that the Ministry of Education is now Bahrain's foremost authority on health matters. And pandemics. Who would have guessed?

Whatever. This is getting old, quickly. It's clear that we have no idea, not even a faint sniff of a clue, how to handle anything that resembles a problem. Who cares who gets the blame? WHO doesn't. They offered us their advice and we roundly dismissed it. But to tell us that this plan is somehow in the best interests of the children and a responsible approach to alleviating pressure on health services when it clearly is not, well thats just a cheap lie.

Apparently the logic is that its better to be safe than sorry. Seriously, these were the words that were uttered to the GDN by an unnamed Ministry of Health official who, like anyone else with sense, thinks this plan is stupid. But is it better to be safe than sorry now and a whole bunch sorrier later because we were stupid before in a pathetic, ill-advised attempt to be safe?

The strategy, and I use the term in it's loosest form, seems to involve nothing more that thumb-twiddling until the great western vaccination is so kindly sold to us for a brutal profit. Some people, myself included, assumed that the first batch of vaccinations would be used to immunize the little kiddies before they got sent into their educational petri dishes, because of how they're high-risk, and, well, little kiddies. Perhaps then we would be able to find a nugget of logic in this series of absurdities. But no. Not a chance.

It seems that the first batch, all 40,000 doses of this entirely unproven elixir of hope, have been allocated for the pilgrims. Two doses each (even though from what I've read , only one is required) for 15,000 haaj-goers. My math is a little rusty, but what happens to the other 10,000? Mmm. I wonder. Vaccinate Important Persons perhaps?

Let it be. If someone wants to be my guinea pig, hooray for me.

If we're still playing the prevention game lets stop people entering the country. That'll help a bit. And while we're at it, close the malls. We should've cancelled eid, but it's too late now. Cinemas are a bit tight, so they're gone. Cafes too. And eateries. And public transport, because that's rather popular. And gyms. And supermarkets. Let's not let a silly thing like logic get in the way. Hell, why not just close Bahrain 'until further notice'.

The Great Swine Strategy

2009-09-18T15:01:00.007+03:00

Idiots.

We've all heard about Bahrain's incredibly retarded swine flu strategy. Y'know, the one with the schools. If a student goes and gets all infected, the whole school will be shut down for one whole week. And if ten percent of students get sniffly, the school will be shut down for a week.

How the hell could this 'plan' feasibly work? Seriously... think about for a minute or two. What the flu that has barely anything to do with swine lacks in severity it more than makes up for in virulence. The statistics that are spewed about with reckless abandon in our media lead us to believe that a fairly respectable percentage of Bahrain will end up being part of this annoyance of a pandemic. I reckon, had they thought about it and, y'know, consulted with anyone who reads, they would have come to the conclusion that the probability of at least one student from every school in Bahrain contracting oink-sniffles is very close to 1.

And now, after five schools have been shut down in about four days, they're discussing a 'rethink' of their strategy. A rethink implies they thought about this strategy in the first place. Which begs the question: How utterly stupid are they?

Perhaps, if anyone really cared about the oink-cough, we would have pretended to give a shit beforehand. Nah. It was inevitable. We can whine and moan and bitch and scream and wear utterly pointless masks that allegedly increase the chance you'll get something, but instead of really doing anything about anything the only thing our government managed to accomplish was, well nothing. Unless you count parliaments attempt to ban the import of pork. That would've saved us all. Muppets.

I cant wait for the new 'strategy'. Maybe they'll make everyone who gets sick huddle in the corner while the healthy point and them and make pig noises. The shame will banish the illness to less proud parts of the world. Maybe the police will roam about the streets, impounding everyone who sniffles. Maybe, just maybe, they'll say that it is illegal for expats to leave their homes, because this disease is a foreign, expat disease. Bahrainis would never play a part in spreading something so unfashionable. Never. It is worthy of note that all five schools that have been closed are international, private schools. Bahrain's public institutions would never be host to a disease named after a filthy animal. Never.

Morons. Bahrain has hosted its fair share of nasty flu in the past. We, as a nation, are demographically prone to get whatever illness is annoying the planet and there is nothing we can really do about it. Sit back, relax and when the sniffles arrive, blame parliament. Why? Because they're probably blaming you. And because they honestly believed that banning pork imports would save us all.

The sound of sunshine

2009-09-16T17:03:00.002+03:00

I haven't complained in a while. It might be because summer makes me lazier than usual, or perhaps because nothing has agitated me enough to get the drivel flowing. The lack of complaining is also, undoubtedly, directly related to Parliament's summer break. But it was only a matter of time.

A lot has happened since I last posted. Gulf Air got themselves a new chief, Bahrain beat Saudi at the kicking competition and Swine flu is the new black. Come to think of it, not much has happened at all. Ramadan arrived with a whimper and will disappear with a sigh of indifference. More on Ramadan later. For now, I'll complain about the mundane.

Radio Bahrain. The sunshine sound. The gulf's 'number one'. The worthless exercise in public media who's shameless profiteering has turned it into a veritable parody of a real radio station. The headache inducing pointlessness that suffers from a cavernous deficit of vision, ambition or logic.

Despite being government funded, Radio Bahrain have sold every last nugget of air time to anybody and everybody. Advertising on Radio is necessary, particularly in a country like Bahrain where it is essentially the only public media that is ever actually entertained by the populace.

I don't mind ads, but when the news bulletins are sponsored by something I couldn't care about, and when the weather is brought to me by something I don't know what is, and best of all, when the TIME is sponsored, I get annoyed. It's silly. And pointless. And clearly, demonstrably over-saturated with constantly repetitive drivel.

Furthermore, has anyone ever noticed how a fair chunk of the ads broadcast feature the voices of Radio Bahrain's very own 'DJs'? If Krazy bloody Kevin provides the voice for an ad during his torturous show, shouldn't it be considered an endorsement? If so, does the Ministry of Information and Culturification not mind that the people that it is paying to annoy us are also blatantly recommending a whole host of products, services and events to Bahrain's impressionable public? Probably not. It was probably their idea.

Fire some people. Hire some new people. Figure out how to develop some local talent who can a.) read, and b.)speak. Preferably someone who does not play house music at 3pm. Put Ian Fisher on a plane and send him far, far away. I don't care what they do or how they do it, but they've got to do something.

Why does Radio Bahrain even have news bulletins? They must be aware that if we need news, we've got BBC radio. I might not like BBC all that much, but they're a Bentley next to Radio Bahrain's beat-up Skoda. Old Skoda, before they were owned by VW. The news we hear on 96.5 is regurgitated tripe. There is no local news, save for the occasional message informing us of some 'cable' of good wishes sent to somewhere by someone. Surely email would be more efficient? How does one go about sending a 'cable'? Is it like a telegram or something?

They don't entertain. They certainly don't inform. So what do they do? They exploit their captive audience. They milk us by assaulting our senses with a barrage of useless, ill conceived, amateur adverts. They annoy us by employing the least qualified, most irritating, verbally challenged DJs'.

They're building a new studio, or something to that effect. A new studio wont fix the problem. It's beyond institutional. Radio Bahrain is a problem. It creates the closest thing Bahrain has to celebrity, which in turns stifles innovation. Krazy Kevin is your example. I know Kevin. He's a nice guy. But he belongs in a bar in middle England or some holiday resort or cruise ship. He was brought here by JJ's back in the day and stayed, because the tacky appeal that is lost on those with taste somehow worked on Bahrain. And now we cant go a day without hearing his wheeze, listening to his latest annoyance of choice or pretending to ignore today's mildly racist remark. But he'll stay, as long as he wants to stay. And he'll hum the same old tune, because that's what seems to work. It gets him a nice villa, a sponsored car, a host of personal appearance events and countless pseudo-endorsements. All because the powers that be that lurk somewhere in a ministry building just don't care.

And compared to Ian Fisher, Krazy Kevin is awesome. The 'Fish' is a personality free hack who seems to be in radio by virtue of being able to speak in English. With no charm, nothing interesting to say and the most repetitive show in the history of existence, nowhere else in the world would even consider employing him as a DJ for the one and only national radio station. Yet here he is a veteran. A (god help us all) trendsetter. A regular presence on our airwaves with whom a generation of Bahrain has grown up. It's just plain wrong.

The only way it could be worse is if Roy (the racist) Silverthorne were to return.

Yes, this is nothing more that an unstructured rant and for that I apologise. Now I'm going to bang my head against the wall for entertainment. It's better than listening to the radio.

Vaguely newsworthy nonsense

2009-06-13T18:09:00.010+03:00

Every now and then the great fountain of knowledge that is the GDN spews forth a little nugget of amusement under the guise of news. For example, today a story entitled 'Funds blow tocorniche facelift plan' demonstrated:

a.) The sheer idiocy of municipal councillors and

b.) The GDN's remarkably inept excuse for journalism

For over a year there's been talk of a massive revamp to the dimly lit pointlessness that is the AlFateh corniche. Work was allegedly scheduled to start in July, at a cost of BD8 million, to turn the urban beachfront into "a family development, in which families come first, and not a place where bachelors hang out at their expense".

There was just one problem. One tiny little hiccup. Funds. You see, in all the hullabaloo about thehubbly bubblies, the people with the 'plan' didn't actually secure funding. It turns out that to execute an eight million dinar project, you need about eight million dinars.

It's okay though, because the Manama Municipal Council has a plan. They're going to offer up parts of the corniche for investment to help generate income for the project. The project that is supposed to start in a couple of weeks. Genius.

And now for some 'reporting', courtesy of the GDN:

"The municipality doesn't know from where it would get the money, it only knows that it would lease parts of the development to investors," said council services and public utilities committee chairman Sadiq Rahma.
"It is easy to come up with a timeframe, by saying that work would start in July next year and take up to three years, but I don't know how work can go ahead without funding.
"This project is something that everyone is looking for, considering that it is the most popular seafront for bachelors, couples and families in the country.
"I don't know why municipality officials are willing to announce the project when the issue of coffee shops there is still not solved."

Fantastic stuff. So not only do they not have money, they have unsolved issues. Namelyshisha. The coffee shops on the corniche that serve shisa are apparently doing so illegally, or not, depending on how you interpret the GDN:

Licensed coffee shops at the corniche are currently operating without up-to-date contracts, as many refused to sign new ones when they were banned from serving sheesha.

The new law was issued in July last year, although the decision was reversed a few days later. If the decision was reversed a few days later, the new law would be a dead law, would it not? I am really confused.

"These coffee shops will be closed down to pave way for the development, whenever the municipality comes up with a serious timeframe for work," said Mr Rahma.
"Owners of coffee shops wishing to continue in the new development are welcome, but withoutsheesha being served.
"What we have in mind is a family development, in which families come first, and not a place where bachelors hang out at their expense.
"We are not saying bachelors shouldn't enjoy seafronts, but attracting them with sheesha is wrong."

As we all know, shisha is bad, because it is what bachelors do, and bachelors are bad, because they are not married, which is totally gay. Tobacco is not the hardest thing to make a strong argument against. They could've gone with the whole 'it'll fucking kill you' argument which seems to be gaining a bit of traction these days, but instead they went for the whole 'it attracts bachelors' approach.

It's all over the place. First he said it was the most popular seafront for bachelors, couples and families in the Kingdom. Then he said it was going to be a family development and 'not a place where bachelors hang out at their expense.' So bachelors are welcome, but not really, because they are a nuisance to families. What about couples? Is a couple technically a family in the eyes of the Municipal Council? How old do you have to be to no longer qualify as a teenager and fall into the dreaded 'bachelor' category?

I hate the GDN. I learnt nothing whatsoever from this story. In fact, I think I know less now than I did before I read it. Instead of asking questions, the reporters are content to scribble down the pointless utterances of absolutely anyone and print them, word for bloody word, to fill up space between overpriced advertisements and press releases about air conditioning. Or fridges.

In capable hands this story could have been used to unravel the idiocy of yet another institution of our 'democracy'. These people with considerable power and limitless opinion are allowed to plan multi-million dinar projects without actually figuring out where the money is coming from, and we are paying their salaries. Should the press not be horrified?

And amidst all the talk of Family Tourism, has anyone actually defined the term? No. Family Tourism is good because, according to the CEO of the EDB in an interview with none other that the Wall Street Journal, 'there is a higher spend per person'.

"We'd like to move away from the bachelor tourism to family tourism, where there is a higher spend per person"

Sounds like an assumption to me. How is this 'spend' calculated? Obviously there would be a higher spend per person, because that person would likely be shelling out for the entertainment of their entire family. But is that really a justifiable quantification? Family tourism is predominantly regional. In most of these instances, one person pays for everything including the hotel, the shopping, the cinema tickets and whatever else. When they imply that Family Tourism has a higher spend per person, does that mean that the head of a family spends more than a vacationing bachelor? If so, DUH. If not, fuck off. Either way, your statistics mean nothing to me unless I actually get to see them.

Surely alienating an entire, demonstrably profitable target market in favour of nothing more than an idiotic assumption borders on the criminal. Now I'm angry, and I blame the GDN.

Up, up and away

2009-06-11T04:24:00.003+03:00

Hah. According to the GDN, MPs have decided to postpone a corruption probe into Gulf Air until after summer because they want to "avoid shaking public confidence during the peak summer months."

Yeah right.

Since when did parliament worry about the public's confidence in Gulf Air? Does it not seem more likely that our overpaid elected confederation of muppets postponed their much-hyped corruption investigation because they want to go on holiday?

They want to sack the CEO immediately, but corruption... that can wait. And this is no ordinary corruption. No, this is the really bad kind of corruption. The deadly kind. The kind Bahraini democracy despises. Expatriate corruption.

According to our wise pillars of society, the corruption and mismanagment cases are 'affiliated to six or seven expatriate senior officials'. No Bahrainis, because as we all know, us Bahrainis are immune to corruption. Not like them expatriates. Even the phrasing is racist - 'expatriate senior officials'. Not senior officials who happen to be expatriates, but rather expatriates who are senior officials.

The more I think about it the more ridiculous it sounds. Does corruption in an established bureaucracy seriously damage public confidence? If it did, Bahrain's public would have the confidence of a mouldy turnip.

Perhaps they're worried that during the execution of their brilliant CSI-style investigation it will be discovered that Gulf Air's planes are rubbish. That might scare people. Or that the food is recycled from hotel Brunch leftovers. That might turn them off. But people boycotting an airline because some of the executives are corrupt? Really? This ridiculously remote scenario must be based entirely on assumptions. The assumption that people care enough to actually read about a corruption probe. The assumption that the press would actually, y'know, be informative. And the mind-bogglingly massive assumption that the fare-paying public is so morally indignant that they will specifically avoid Gulf Air to make an ethical point.

"Sorry kids.. We're not going on holiday this year"
"Why Daddy? Why?"
"Because of corruption my children"
"What's a corruption Daddy?"
"Corruption is a disease brought to Bahrain by the expatriates, and there's been an outbreak at Gulf Air. So until they get rid of every last bit of evil expat corruption, we're going nowhere."

Utter bullshit. They're going on holiday, plain and simple. It's been a difficult year for our simple MPs. Perhaps they deserve a break, especially after all the hard work that went into giving themselves a pay rise.

Three cheers for democracy. Ain't it awesome?

Pesky swine.

2009-05-26T15:35:00.003+03:00

Great.
Fantastic.

Wonderful.

Swine flu. Swine bloody flu. The man-made disease that has nothing to do with bloody swine has arrived on our sunny shores, despite parliaments ridiculous attempt to prevent it from doing so by banning pork. Hurrah!

It was bound to happen. Not just because of the utter ignorance of our elected peers who were likely delighted by the emergence of this new strain of evil, but because Bahrain is a prime candidate for such a disease - especially now that students are coming home from all across the world for the dreaded summer.

If parliament really cared, they might have done a bit of reading on the subject. Instead of trying to use the panic to pass pointless legislation, which they are guilty of doing, they might have been better served trying to limit the influx of US Military into our Kingdom. That there have been no cases, reported as yet, amongst the servicemen and women in Bahrain does not mean that it wont happen. Look at Kuwait, with 18 or so sniffly new cases. We're hosting an aircraft carrier. There is a lot of room for sniffles to hide on board a ship bigger than Manama. The families of military personnel are set to flood back into Bahrain, bringing with them their savings, pets, thoughts, and quite possibly, disease. But our guardians, the mighty Members o' Parliament think it wiser to prevent our damnation instead of protecting our health.

Get sick for all we care. As long as you don't eat pork, drink alcohol or try to interfere with our much deserved pay raise, it's all good. We're busy with other shit.. y'know... important stuff. Important stuff, like, well... family law.

Yeah, we've gone from swine flu to family law. Why? Because, of course, of parliament. And because I'm rambling.

Last week, parliament passed a long-awaited family law draft that aims to improve the status of women. This law was intended to govern things such as personal status, marriage, divorce and custody. It is, as anyone who has ever read our local excuse for a newspaper knows, a much needed start. And it sounds good. So far. The problem is that this long awaited law will only improve the status of Sunni women. Only Sunni women. No Shiites, because that'd be, well... bad.

The initial draft, submitted by the government, did in fact cover both Sunni and Shiite women, but Al Wefaq, the voice of Shiites in our 'esteemed' house of representatives, rejected it without compromise. Why? Because according to Al Wefaq, the Parliament is not qualified to debate or decide on family matters rooted in religious jurisprudence.

So, the government revised the draft, changing the title from 'family law' to 'family law: Sunni section'. It sounds like a bad sequel to an awful movie, starring the woman from Judging Amy and the guy from Law and Order. And it gives way to a two-tiered family status that will be chaotic at best and barbaric at worst. It is patently unfair and unwise, in every possible way.

And, thanks to the entire Shiite block of parliament walking out, the family law sequel was passed. It has not yet been signed into law, and over twenty NGO's have appealed to delay that happening, arguing rightly that endorsement of the law would slow efforts to introduce a common family law to Bahrain. Who is left for our parliament to alienate? Expats? check. Liberals? check. Non-Muslims? Check. Labourers? check. Women? check. The only people that are likely to have anything good to say about our attempt at democracy are conservative, Muslim, Bahraini men with no logic... oh, wait... they're the MPs.

That's what parliament have been up to.

That, and well, giving themselves a massive pay rise. A pay rise that they believe they deserve. A pay rise that takes them even further out of touch with reality. A pay rise that in the end, will likely be their undoing. I for one believe that parliament should double their salaries. Not because they earned it, but because by doing so, people with brains and qualifications would be more inclined to compete in elections. And these people, with a hint of intelligence and a smidgen of logic, would likely win whatever seats they contested. And the MPs of old will have to kiss goodbye to their fat paychecks and numerous benefits. They will be relegated back to the real world, where their self-righteous indignation will go all but unnoticed. And maybe, just maybe, Bahrain will be able to reclaim a bit of its squandered pride.

But first we have to deal with that pesky swine flu.

Obstinate Morons

2009-05-08T17:49:00.002+03:00

Parliament are at it again. Still unhappy despite the shockingly primitive and biased way with which our Ministries dealt with alcohol in the hotel industry, Parliament are now calling for 'a blanket ban on public sales of alcohol at Bahrain's hotels, restaurants, clubs and off-licenses'.

They tried the same thing last year, to no avail. But this year it's different, because they've thrown in a concession or two. This time around, they're nice enough to allow those who want to consume alcohol to consume it, in the privacy of their own homes, thanks to the marvel that is home delivery. Oh, and guests in hotels would be allowed to get hammered in their rooms, but nowhere else. And since being drunk in public is a supposed crime, tourists would have an awesome time watching TV, looking out the window and surfing our extraordinarily restricted Internet.

This new go round was proposed by Parliaments legislative and legal affairs committee vice-chairman because 'It is the main reason behind unclean tourism and the consequences the country is facing from increased crime.' Okay, but since you are so gosh darn certain, surely a few facts, figures or even interesting sketches would help support your claims. If it is the 'main reason' as you stipulate, I want proof. I demand proof. Your word is worth about as much to me as the McDonald's coupons you used to get on the back of a cinema ticket, and I hate McDonald's.

And then it gets better. Parliament financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman spewed his two cents: 'We don't want this unclean money, even if the government claims that it is benefiting the economy.' Choice words coming from the the financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman - someone who is supposed to, y'know, sort our economic and financial problems, not make them worse. May I be so bold as to ask what your qualifications are, Mr. vice-chairman? Economic and financial qualifications that is, as I care not about your level 9 devotion to the lord. Would you be so kind as to demonstrate how much money is generated from alcohol and the hospitality industry, and then present us with your fantastic plan to nullify the net loss incurred by obliterating these industries? How do you propose to appease the thousands of Bahrainis who will inevitably find themselves jobless due to your irresponsible certainty?

And then, the icing on the cake of insolence and the nail in the coffin of common sense was generously provided by Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman: 'We will accept failure in the economy if alcohol is banned, since we have taken the decision. The call is ours and we will handle the consequences.'

Talk about a power trip. First of all, this bloke is on the foreign affairs, defence and national security committee. While it is far too broad a mandate to be of any real-world use and likely just a nice line to throw onto his shiny business cards, he is responsible for foreign affairs. Do tell us how this blanket ban would affect Bahrain's relationship with the western world? How would it affect our image? How would you plan to fill the vacancies left when scores of professional, specialised westerners fled in disgust?

Consequences. They speak of consequences, obviously aware they will arise. But how could anyone with a hint of brain matter be comfortable allowing these rejects from the Muppet show to deal with such 'consequences'. I for one am terrified.

It would go something like this:

Brain Drain? Not a problem. I have a cousin who would like to be a senior engineer specialised in whatever the hell it was that guy who went to Saudi for twelve times more cash was doing. Also, you know, Bahrainis should be getting this very highly paid, specialised jobs. In fact, I have several brothers who would be very good managing offshore banks, because they are good with money and have nice cars, even a Mercedes.

Unemployment? No, no, no. They will all be happy when they are not forced to do the devils work. Happier in their souls. So what if they cannot feed their children? Dying of hunger is much better than eating food prepared by the devil. And when they all die, then there will be less need for jobs, no? So god will solve this problem that you call 'unemployment', inshallah.

Tourism? As we have specified on numerous occasions, we are only interested in family tourism. You know, rich families who want to spend lots of money in our shops. In fact, I have several outlets of my own, catering exclusively to stupid rich people and their children. Families are easier to rip off. Also, we don't want people who come to Bahrain to have fun, especially if they are not rich, because if that happens, they will come back, possibly even with friends. This would be bad, because people who like to enjoy themselves and do not have lots of money are clearly working for the devil. Also, we have Formula One, so once a year we can milk tourists for all they're worth. What more do we need?

Right to personal freedom? Yes, we may have specified that everyone has a right to personal freedom, but by everyone, we meant MPs. And by personal freedom, we meant the right to browse the world of porn without anyone finding out. We did not mean that normal people should have rights, because then how would we be better than them?

I live in hope that the cabinet, who have to approve this proposal before it becomes law, will discard it as they have done previously. And if they do, will someone please tell these MPs to get over themselves and actually do something that might possibly help Bahrain. Please? Sort out something that you'd be hard pressed to make worse, like traffic. Or why not form a choir? At least that would be amusing in a less frightening way. How about MP smackdown? You could televise it, franchise it and make some cash with which to offset the net losses to the economy that you so willingly pursue. Or perhaps you should all go on holiday, again. The further away you all are, the less harm to common sense we have to endure. I hear Fiji is nice this time of year. And Siberia can be a blast. I'll even chip in for your tickets.

Can I Help You?

2009-05-03T20:56:00.005+03:00

What the hell? I say hell, or rather I write hell, for the hell of it. I do not write the word hell because I am satanic. But what's the bet the CID and other power-mad loons don't see it that way?

By now I'm sure some if not most sane individuals have heard about the travesty that was the 'Rage to the Extreme' rock concert that was held at the Palace Hotel recently. The promoters jumped through all the hoops, filled in all the forms and kissed all the ass that needed kissing - all part of the thankless task of organising events in Bahrain.

The show went on. For a little while. Until, in their ultra-righteousness, some CID muppets climbed on stage and arrested a guitarist. Not for being untalented. Not for instigating revolution. Not for dealing drugs or starting a riot or anything. No... they arrested the poor sod because he was wearing a t-shirt that they deemed inappropriate and satanic. Seriously. This t-shirt:

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? What right do the CID of all people have to judge what is and is not satanic? And do they really possess the right to arrest, confiscate, photograph and humiliate the person guilty of their subjective crime?

The guitarist in question was Sri Lankan and was part of a group called the Mushroom Massacre. Sure, they're a hard rock outfit with a suspect name who perform self-composed 'gems' like 'Ode to a Motherfucker', but that doesn't mean they are satanic. Playing or enjoying loud and heavy music is not a gateway to the underworld, as our authorities and elected peers would have us believe. It is, like just about everything else, a matter of personal taste.

Taste. Something CID obviously don't have. Because after being arrested and humiliated and whatnot, Bahrain's very own guitar hero left captivity wearing... wait for it... a Craig David t-shirt. Because Craig David is obviously not satanic. Sure, he sings about having sex with loads of women and his breakout hit was a song about him sneaking about with someone else's girl, but CID likes Craig, so he cant possibly be Satan's pal.

This is how it happened, in the words of someone who was actually there:

"Someone just came on stage and said the show was over, after that there were two breaks for prayer"

Two breaks for prayer? At a rock concert? Because we all know that if you don't pray twice after listening to rock, you're well and truly fucked. The first prayer confuses the demon. The second one suckerpunches it upside it's ugly demon head and sends it back to hell.

The power mad CID also took it upon themselves to instruct the entire crowd to turn their t-shirts inside out. Surely they have better things to do than enforcing unwritten dress codes - y'know, like catching people who plant bombs in cars and stuff. Perhaps they have priorities. I can just imagine the list in CID HQ:

CID Most Wanted:

1) Satan

2) People who like Satan

3) Witches

4) Alcohol drinkers

5) Pork eaters

6) Black t-shirt wearers

7) Runaway workers

8) Language abusers

9) Gang Rapists

10) Terrorists

Have they not learnt that stupidity of this magnitude gets a whole lot of international attention? Type 'Bahrain' into Google News and you'll get a combination of articles about a.) Formula Bloody One and b.) A guitarist being arrested for a really, really stupid reason. This is the impression we are sending the rest of the world. We race fast cars and arrest people for wearing mildly amusing t-shirts.

The authorities should be embarrassed and the CID officers responsible should be disciplined - unless we want the world to believe that Bahrain's best crimefighters are also the all-new Morality Police. First we were being compared to China. Now we're the all-new Saudi too. Up next: North Korea?

The Censorship Saga Continues...

2009-04-22T14:46:00.006+03:00

Bahrainblogs.org, an aggregator of Bahraini blogs and nothing more, has been blocked by the Ministry of Information and Vultures. All it did was put all the blogs about Bahrain in one easy to find place, and nothing more. Blocking it is like banning the phone book because you don't like some of the people listed in it. I'd love to know what regulations and/or laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain Bahrainblogs.org allegedly violated. Perhaps it was that, y'know, regulation type thing about linking to stuff that could possibly contain opinion. No such rule? Who cares? Block it anyway.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

First of all, it's only blocked in Bahrain. It will still be updated (I hope) and read (I know) by people here and abroad. I wonder if the Ministry realises that blocking sites only blocks them locally? I don't think they do. I think they think that by clicking their magic block button, all the criticisms will disappear. Nobody will ever get a chance to read them ever again. And the opinionated bloggers, they'll be so utterly frustrated by the big powerful Ministry's actions that they'll give up blogging all together.

Morons.

As soon as they press their magic block button people get curious. And curiosity is far more powerful than any stupid blue coat firewall. Anyone with a hint of inspiration has already figured out how to bypass the pointless blockages, and with every new blockage emerges a wave of new bypass experts. Soon their whole morality-upholding experiment will be proven to be what it actually is: a complete, utter waste of time and money. Their time. Our money.

The more they block stuff, the more people sit up and take notice. And when they take notice, they criticise. And when the right people criticise, even more people take notice. And soon everyone knows that Bahrain is "getting the hang of China's tricks". Not my words, but the words of Foreign Policy magazine. They talk about the 'pornography' excuse - 'a government-sanctioned effort to crack down on online vulgarity -- to shut down several sites offering highly critical opinions on political and social issues in modern China.' Sound familiar?

So now we're being directly compared to China, by reputable international publications. How the hell is that progress? Shouldn't someone get in trouble? After all, all Bahrain has ever cared about is its reputation. We blush when people call us progressive and democratic and free, so naturally we should be outraged when we are being compared to China, shouldn't we? Why are the only people getting disciplined are very same people who have been pointing out, from day one, that censorship is primitive and pointless?

Interestingly, the article goes on to point out that users who never wanted to access porn or political content are more likely to learn how to use censor-evading tools so that they can do the things they'd like to do online. This is known as the Cute Cat theory of digital activism. Read it.

Make no mistake - the blocking will continue. There is no way, no chance in hell, that they'll consider giving up now. So they'll cover their eyes and plug their ears and go on their merry way, barricading access to anything remotely opinionated or 'immoral'. And the blogging will go on. And the criticisms will get louder and louder and louder. And eventually, when Bahrain's reputation has been dragged through the mud repeatedly, someone somewhere in the upper echelons of some ministry somewhere will realise that nothing has been achieved. But by then it'll probably be too late.

The New Bahrain

2009-04-16T23:29:00.007+03:00

They're at it again. The officials who think they can do whatever the hell they want to do under the guise of progress and morality have started a 'crackdown' on hotels violating tourism laws. But, according to the only information us plebs are allowed to know, the crackdown follows 'a new set of by-laws regulating hotels' operations''. Which, to my admittedly simple mind, sounds like they just made up a whole bunch of new laws and immediately set about prosecuting offenders.

And that is just not fair. And it is definitely not Business Bloody Friendly either. And its about as far away from progress as you can get.

These 'measures' (newspeak for draconian punishment) are being implemented in the name of 'family tourism' - an oft-used term that has yet to be officially defined. Hotels violating the 'new set of by-laws' will face penalties and even closure, according to Bahrain's self-appointed sensei of censorship, morality and the common good.

They spoke of it last week and a few days ago it became a reality. Hotels across the Kingdom received letters informing them that they were no longer allowed to sell alcohol. One star and two star hotels. Cheap hotels. Hotels that cater to the less than rich. So, it's fair to say, Bahrain hates poor people.

First of all, assuming that the only sleaze in Bahrain exists in cheap hotels is the equivalent of assuming that only cheap cars pollute, or that only poor people fart. It's fucking ridiculous. All the three, four and five star hotels are rife with sleaze, but it's expensive sleaze. And banning alcohol in one and two star hotels unfairly discriminates against the less successful or financially prudent. For now at least. It has been made clear that the same rules will apply to three and four star hotels in the near future, which essentially means as soon as the formula wahid circus has been and gone.

Which leaves the five star hotels. Now, according to the all-wise Ministry, only rich people are allowed to drink. Poor and middle class people in Bahrain should either stay at home and shut up or go somewhere else. They aren't welcome here, not if they want to, y'know, socialize. We may need them to build our shiny, upcoming future kingdom, but we don't want them to have any fun while they're doing it. That'd be haram.

These letters took many by surprise. The employees of bars, restaurants and whatever else have no idea whether or not they have jobs. During a recession no less. There is no recourse. No appeal. No explanation, other than that Bahrain wants more 'family tourism'.

In absence of warning, it's fair to assume that the majority of one and two star hotels face uphill struggles to avoid ruin. So the only family tourism that Bahrain cares about is rich family tourism. Families that can afford no more than one and two star hotels, well they're not welcome here. We don't take kindly to them folk. Why not be clear? It's not family tourism we care about, it's rich people. People with gold cards. People who are willing to shell out for the characterless luxury that Bahrain has to offer. Everyone else can go straight to hell. Cause we're Islamic 'n stuff, and poor people are, umm, haram?

It is a ridiculous situation. Last month the Parliament said they wanted all alcohol moved to hotels, and only hotels. Last week the Minister of Info-Cult said they wanted all alcohol out of hotels. What the hell? By utterly failing to regulate the 'tourism' industry in Bahrain we are left with absolutely nothing. The sad thing is, the one and two and three and four star hotels that are no longer allowed to serve booze or hire female 'singers' will still be the dens of immorality they always were. The whores will serve drinks in teapots in coffeeshops while the places that actually catered to the utterly bored expat population in the Kingdom fall by the wayside.

It was my understanding that tourism was no longer under the control of the Ministry of Information and Culture. That's what we were told. We were promised an all-new tourism authority that actually knew stuff about tourism. Instead, in a blatant attempt at power grabbing, we've been subjected to the 'Minister knows best' doctrine that has failed us time and time again.

What does this irrational behaviour do for the reputation of Bahrain? We've spent millions marketing ourselves as cosmopolitan and progressive in desperate attempts to divert people from our shinier, happier neighbours. And when the precious foreigners with fat wallets get here and consider buying those expensive, pointless high-rise properties in Juffair we turn around and tell them to piss off. What a brilliant way to dig ourselves out of a recession. The lack of thought is startling. Shouldn't something with consequences as far reaching as this have, y'know, a plan or something, or at the very least, a process?

The Bahrain of old is officially dead. This is the new Bahrain, where liberties and personal freedoms are damned in the name of subjective morality and 'family tourism'. The all new, elitist Bahrain, where friends of ministers can get as drunk as they like in overpriced five-star hotels while everyone else sits at home wondering why the hell they moved here in the first place. The 'improved' Bahrain, a place where progress is raped and hypocrisy is all the rage. The 'democratic' Bahrain, a place where common sense is discarded in favour of misplaced idealism; an island where religious, racial and class discrimination shape public policy.

In our futile attempts to become the Monaco of the Middle East we've ended up more like the retarded offspring of North Korea and Texas. Everything anyone ever loved about this Kingdom is being destroyed systematically, but it's all okay, because we have Formula One.

I hate the new Bahrain. And since I have an opinion, the new Bahrain obviously hates me too.

STOP SHOUTING

2009-04-12T19:04:00.002+03:00

If anyone was ever unfortunate enough to stumble upon the Kingdom of Bahrain's official news agency's website (www.bna.bh), they'd be forgiven for thinking Bahrain was a backward, angry country. Everything, every single bloody release, is IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Nothing is ever remotely interesting, let alone newsworthy, but every now and then a chunk of quoteworthy pointlessness emerges.

Now is one of those times. As I attempted to trapse through this wonderful piece of journalistic awesomness my head started to pound and then I started to laugh. Here are some excerpts for your entertainment. The CAPS are theirs, the underlining and boldification is all mine.

First, the intro (so you know what they be talkin 'bout):

MANAMA, APRIL 11 (BNA) UNDER THE PATRONAGE OF THE MINISTER OF CULTURE AND INFORMATION SHAIKHA MAI BINT MOHAMMED AL KHALIFA THE INTERNATIONAL FEDERATION FOR JOURNALISTS OFFICE IN BAHRAIN WAS OFFICIALLY OPENED.... Blah blah blah. (In capital letters, naturally)....

And now, some o' the good stuff:

SHAIKHA MAI IN HER ADDRESS AT THE EVENT PRAISED THE STEP ACHIEVED AFFIRMING THE STANDARD OF JOURNALISM AND THE DEMOCRATIC EXPRESSION WITHIN THE ATMOSPHERE OF REFORM WHICH THE MINISTRY SUPPORTS THROUGH TRANSPARENCY AND ETHICAL PRINCIPLES.

Translation: Ministry Awesome, Democracy Good. Hi five!

THE MINISTER ALSO EXPRESSED HER OPTIMISM RELATED TO FURTHER OPENING HORIZONS OF THE RIGHTS OF COMMUNICATION AND EXCHANGE OF INFORMATION AND THE DEMOCRACY OF MEDIA. SHE INDICATED THAT THEIR WAS A TRUE AND SERIOUS MOVE TO TREAT ISSUES THAT CRIPPLE THE FLOW OF EXCHANGE OR DISRUPT THE ETHICS OF THE PROFESSION.

Translation: What censorship? Everything in our shiny Kingdom is hunky dory, and it's getting better. Honestly.

SHAIKHA MAI ALSO AFFIRMED THE MINISTRY'S PUSH TOWARDS FURTHER FREEDOM OF PRESS AS PART OF THE GENERAL FREEDOMS WHICH NEEDS EXPANSION AND GET RID OF ALL ADMINISTRATIVE AND LEGAL OBSTACLES TO PRACTICE THIS PROFESSION ON A STRONG BASIS....

Translation: Despite being as super-awesome as we currently are, we'll do our best to make ourselves even super-awesomer, even though we really dont have to.

It goes on and on and on. Read more if you dare. My head hurts too much.

The all new GDN web debacle

2009-04-11T21:30:00.004+03:00

The self-congratulatory, utterly useless Gulf Daily News have reached new heights of idiocy with their new, supposedly improved website. First the links to their 'news' reports were broken. Then the site, likely disgusted with itself, committed suicide.

Bravo morons. Bravo.

Sin City

2009-04-08T22:17:00.003+03:00

Did you know that Manama, the capital of our allegedly perfect Kingdom, came in at number 8 on a top ten list of sin cities compiled by that utterly pointless portal askmen.com last year?

The parliament, the elected guardians of righteousness that they are, were up in arms. Despite the fact that it was never reported in our local media. Al Arabiya covered it. But not the GDN. But we all know that the MP's, in their noble efforts to scour the Interweb for impropriety and their next holiday destination, stumbled upon this information in it's original context, right after checking out some celebrity bikini pics and just before logging into expedia to book their next getaway to Pattaya. (for research purposes, obvioulsy).

Askmen.com was blocked for a while by our ministry of whatever the hell they call themselves today. Because, as we all know, asking men anything is likely to yield filthy, improper, regulation violating results. But then the unblocking fairy cast her magical wand and presto.

So what? We should be happy. Its free press. It might not be the type of press we need, but we didn't have to pay shedloads, like we typically do on CNN or wherever it is the EDB thinks we should advertise tomorrow. It's no worse than the press we get for being a culture of tyrannical censorship Nazis. It's definitely no worse than the press we get for trying to ban Alco-pork or whatever else the Parliament deems improper this week.

And it should attract a few people to Bahrain, which is what we're going for, right? I mean, F1, the Spring of Culture, and ummm.. F1. They're all designed to make Bahrain more international. More tourist friendly. And ultimately, richer. Sin does that too, but more than just once a year.

The islamist MPs have apparently demanded strict action against 'sinful activities'. According to Gulf News (because the GDN has better things to do than, y'know, actually report the news), one of the MP's has been quoted as spewing this little nugget of goodness:

”We are shocked to know that Manama has been ranked eighth among [the] world’s top 10 ’sin cities’. It is a very sad situation for our country that prides itself on its political and human rights records because we wanted Bahrain to rank among the top countries in political, social or economic achievements. Now we need to tackle the issues of prostitution and other immoral activities that have vastly undermined our reputation,” one of the MP’s said.

'Now we need to tackle..." He says. Now. Yeah, because until a website that no-one really cares about told us about our little 'problem' it didn't exist. And only 'now' have 'prostitution and other immoral activities' emerged and 'vastly undermined our reputation'.

What other immoral activities is this quoteworthy peer speaking of? Perhaps it's the collective litany of wrongdoing that everyone but him is guilty of. You all know the list. Alcohol is likely to be right at the top, and not because it begins with the letter A.

And what is this reputation of which he speaks? Bahrain, for as long as anyone can remember, has always been known for its sin (in fact, it's one of the Kingdom's oldest industries..). It's just not published on an pointless web portal. So this reputation is the reputation that has served Bahrain so well for so long. It's the reputation that makes people believe we are more tolerant. And above all, it's the reputation that drives a massive chunk of our tourism industry. We might not want the tourists to do the things they come here to do, but they come here to do it. At least we should be grateful for that, shouldn't we?

No, I don't think we should. But what other tourist industry do we have? F1 is a race, not an industry. Weekend shoppers are weekend shoppers and nothing more. There is nothing, not one solid, year-round feature that serves to attract the loose-walleted liberals to our Kingdom whenever they see fit to get away. Nothing besides sin that is.

So bitch and moan all you want. Prostitutes will be rounded up and shipped off, but more will arrive to replace them. Waste your pointless time on pointless endeavours because you aren't happy with an opinion on a website. To fix a problem as deeply institutionalised as prostitution, you'll need a plan. Not words. An actual plan. With words and pictures and graphs and stuff. If it's a compitition between sin and your sense of moral indignation, who'd you think will win Mr. MP?

It is a very sad situation for our country that prides itself on its political and human rights records...

Yup, it is a sad situation. We pat ourselves on the back as often as possible thanks to our political and human rights records, even though we don't deserve any praise. Political records? Are you serious? Yeah, we might have a parliament elected by the people, but what good have they managed to accomplish? Democracy in action is a string of nonsensical quotes followed by a great big holiday, and nothing more. And human rights? Yeah, we really pride ourselves on our human rights. Don't do, say or think anything that might be construed as immoral or you'll be damned, arrested, deported or all of the above. Don't use the Internet, phone or anything else for anything that might get you in trouble, because big baba is watching from way up high, somewhere in Isa Town.

...because we wanted Bahrain to rank among the top countries in political, social or economic achievements.

Because we wanted Bahrain to rank among... Because we WANTED?!? Yeah, and I want a yacht. But I cant have a yacht because I cant afford a yacht. And I cant afford a yacht because I haven't earned enough to get a yacht. Wanting gets you nothing. So this is what MP's do all day... sit, eat and want. And when what they want doesn't happen, they complain. And then they wake up tomorrow and want something all over again.

If you really want Bahrain to rank among the top countries in the laughably vague categories you speak of, do something to make it happen. Or better still, don't. Because everything you have ever done has ended in tears of laughter, groans of frustration or demonstrations of world-class stupidity. If you really want Bahrain to make it into the top ten lists you care about, stay home and shut up, or at the very least, take a few minutes out of your precious day to THINK.

Okay, I'll admit, I'm just ranting. If I had a point its been lost in the agitation. I hate the faux moral outrage. I hate the pretence of shock. I hate the fact that everything that is said by the people elected by the people makes me cringe or laugh. And I hate that they think that they can fix things by whining and nothing more. Is this really the best we can do?

The mother of all sins...

2009-03-29T14:12:00.004+03:00

It's that time of the year again. When the all-knowing, ultra-wise parliamentarians get together and decide, again, that the evilest evil of them all should be destroyed. Alcohol.

In the next few days, parliament are going to get together to vote on whether alcohol should be banned in all of the Kingdom's restaurants that are not located in hotels. And vote they will, almost certainly in favour of the pointless ban.

The current proposal stems from a relatively recent proposal to ban alcohol in Um Al Hassam, because, allegedly, customers of licensed restaurants were getting drunk and disturbing families in the area. Actually, as I recall it, some MP or another said that people were getting drunk and would, y'know, go about trying to get into houses, and y'know, fall asleep on other people’s couches, 'n stuff. But luckily it hadn’t happened yet, cause them residents were clever enough to, y'know, lock their doors. But it COULD happen.

Hah.

But, not content with merely limiting choice, they want to destroy it altogether. The initial proposal was extended by a rather brainless bunch of muppets known collectively as 'the Parliament Services Committee'.

"They (MPs on the committee) said banning alcohol in one area wouldn't solve the problem as it is being served in restaurants across the country," ... "Committee members have decided to generalise it, saying alcohol was the problem and banning it in Umm Al Hassam wouldn't address the core problem - as customers would shift to other places, making the ban pointless."

Now there are numerous problems with this statement. First of all, the initial proposal was made on the basis that alcohol being served in predominantly residential areas was likely to disturb the residents. There was nothing to back it up- no actual statements, testimony or incidents, but at least there was an inkling.. a mere hint of an actual argument. But then they expanded their 'argument'. Now alcohol is bad, unless of course it is being served in one of the many whore-infested dives that are known as 'hotels'.

Generalising is not something MPs should be doing. The god that they are so determined to keep happy is in the details. To generalise is to reduce to a general form. Lump it all into one category. Pack it all up in one box. The 'evil' box.

I can generalise too. Arabs are terrorists. Yup, you heard me. Now let me give you a leg up to that high, high horse you managed to acquire thanks to your hefty parliamentary allowance. It's not nice when others generalise, so why do it yourselves? The only cause you further is ignorance. Petrol has alcohol in it. Should we ban that too? Make all petrol stations relocate to hotel car parks. It sounds idiotic, but it is a generalisation.

How much time is wasted on such pointless endeavours? On April 29th of last year MPs "unanimously demanded a total ban on alcohol in Bahrain. They voted in favour of a parliament-proposed law banning the import, possession, sale or production of alcohol."

But to become law, the proposal would have to be accepted by the government and the Shura Council. It wasn’t. Why? Because the ban would have far reaching economic effects; Effects far to complex for the pure parliamentary minds to comprehend. The ‘argument’ then was pretty flimsy too-

"Whether they are producers, drinkers, distributors, sellers and those who eat from its money are all damned by God,"... "Alcohol is the biggest sin, the mother of all sins."

Harsh. I reckon they should send out letters to everyone involved in the alcohol industry in the Kingdom, informing them of the impending damnation of themselves and their families.

What about personal freedom? Just the other day Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman was touting the value of personal freedom, albeit in relation to a completely different matter.

"It is like (the government is) entering your home without your permission to see what you are doing with your family. This is against Islam. Everyone has the right to personal freedom."

So now it seems personal freedom is subjective too. You are free to do what they feel you should be free to do, but do anything else and you’ll be damned, and so will your children. If the violation of personal freedom is against Islam, then surely telling a non-muslim that he is not allowed to enjoy a glass of wine with his overpriced meal is against Islam too.

Generalise with caution. Taking away the personal freedoms of others while whining about your own personal freedoms is hypocritical, selfish and intolerant – and I would assume, un-Islamic.

Everyone has the right to personal freedom. These are the words of our great, wise, all-knowing, enlightened, overpaid elected peers. These are the words to which we should hold them accountable.

Now, who wants a beer?

Censorship 2.0

2009-03-19T14:12:00.005+03:00

Y'know how everyone is up in arms about the whole ridiculous Internet censorship thing? Well, from what I hear, they want to take it a step further. A source at a large, national, telecommunications company that has a really bad advertising campaign promoting broadband (and begins with the letter B) recently informed me that the Ministry of Disinformation has requested...wait for it... an assessment of the feasibility of blocking the torrent protocol.

Yup. That's right. Torrents. They want to take away our torrents now. Bastards.

Whether or not they'll succeed depends on a few things, but I doubt Batelco and the other telecoms would oblige. They would be raping their revenue streams. Who the hell would consider paying 60 bloody dinars for a measly 25GB of bandwidth that they WOULD'NT BE ABLE TO USE?

And it gets worse. Much worse. According to another source, the Ministry is now allegedly in the process of acquiring a new, rather expensive ($150K+) system to filter content on Youtube. Unlike the torrent blocking feasibility study, this is (allegedly) going ahead full steam. Soon, the Ministry will tell you what non-pornographic, already monitored, homemade content you may or may not be able to view.

This is ridiculous. Pathetic. Primitive. Pointless. Retarded. Ignorant. Youtube is the world's biggest forum for self-expression. It nurtures creativity. It teaches. It entertains. Surely this is what the Ministry of Culture should be doing?

The Ministry is using a system that is typically used by corporations to limit employees' online access in an effort to protect productivity. Blue Coat is its name. They spent a fair chunk of cash getting it, and allegedly, requested the system by name. So, it stands to reason that the Ministry believes we all work for them. In effect, they think they own us. And they are unhappy with how much time we spend doing 'frivolous' things. This is not how a democracy works. This is draconian, totalitarianist, dictatorial behaviour.

We should be ashamed, outraged and above all, vocal. Complain as much as you can, to whoever is willing to listen. Write letters, post blogs, tell friends, distribute fliers, shout it from rooftops... A concerted effort to get our Kingdom's pointless attempt to control the minds of the population recognised in international media is needed. Yes, we may be giving Bahrain a bad name, but in doing so, we may also be able to prevent it from becoming a complete joke. Complain while you can. Soon, all forms of opinion will be BLOCKED FOR VIOLATING REGULATIONS AND LAWS OF THE KINGDOM OF BAHRAIN.

Futurists and the media

2009-03-17T02:12:00.006+03:00

They broke our Internet, but still not content with their new-fangled brilliance, the already stale ministry of cultural disinformation has set about fixing Bahrain's TV and Radio. Or so they say.

Fixing stuff is good, especially when the stuff in question is as antiquated as Bahrain TV and Radio. Bahrain's mass media has been sub third-world forever, because, surprise, it is completely run from within a Ministry. No matter how good their intentions are, it is, and will remain, a civil service. And, as everyone knows, nothing smells more of bureaucracy than a civil service.

So forgive me for being sceptical. I live in hope of a new, competitive, free and objective media in Bahrain, but I will not hold my breath. Instead, I expect, rather pessimistically, that the national media will get a facelift. It will look 21st centuryish. It may even feel modern. But for the media to change, a fundamental shift in the structure of our media is necessary.

Unfortunately, such a shift seems unlikely. According to the one and only GDN, "Vaheed Associate Brand Future company... was tasked with overhauling the establishment in a nine- to 18-month period" First of all, I would like to point out that the company in question is actually called Vahid associates, a Bahrain-based self-described 'brand futurist'. A brief visit to their website (http://www.vahidassociates.com) doesn't really tell us much more. In fact, it is alarmingly amateur in many regards- from the overly abundant use of flash to the startling lack of actual information on display (the portfolio and news sections of their site are 'coming soon', despite the site dating back to 2006), one cannot help but conclude that the choice of company reflects the intentions of the Ministry. Image is apparently more important than substance.

It gets better. The BRTC have "signed a six-month contract with renowned Monte Carlo presenter Huyam Hmoy". You've probably never heard of her. I certainly haven't. And neither has Google. Not one result. Not a single hit. Nothing. Some justification would be nice when bandying about terms like 'renowned'. Surely a famous TV presenter would exist somewhere in the world of the great wide web. At least give us some more information- you are, after all, the Ministry of Culture and Information.

No talk about the development of Radio, aside from KFH shelling out for the redevelopment of the Holy Quran radio channel. Perhaps they believe that Radio Bahrain is perfect, and are adopting an 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' approach. Hah.

So, here we have an announcement from the Ministry of culture and Information, about redeveloping the media, reported in Bahrain's incredibly shallow media outlet of choice, that contains NO REAL INFORMATION. Should this be taken as an example of how our media is to develop? Were any questions asked before publishing the story in the oracle that is the GDN? Was any research done? They couldn't even spell the name of the company that was hired to carry out the alleged redevelopment, much less provide us with a nugget or two of insight.

Qatar has Al Jazeera, the Emirates have Al Arabiya and Bahrain has... Bahrain TV. Does anyone even watch Bahrain TV? The middle east, Bahrain included, has one of the highest penetration rates of Satellite TV in the world. Everyone has either Showtime, Orbit or more likely, Dreambox- which gives them access to almost every other channel in the entire world. How can they be expected to tune into BTV when the competition is that fierce? Making it shinier wont encourage people to watch it. Making it worth watching might.

Here's a suggestion. Dispose of every last bit of international programming. Develop BTV into a channel or two that only airs Bahraini and regionally produced television. Use the money you aren't paying for Fresh Prince and other decades-old sitcoms to develop a channel that can compete with the other regional players. Nurture a new, creative generation of Bahraini media and commit to turning Bahrain, the 'Freest economy in the region', into a place where media is respected, not just tolerated.

And for the love of God, put Radio Bahrain down. Surely letting something as trivial, incompetent and amateurish exist is cruel. Kill it now and start it from scratch. Please.

Violate This

2009-03-04T03:50:00.004+03:00

So by now you know that Bahrain thinks the only way to learn them plebs 'bout morality is to censor the hell out of the Internet. Apparently, every second site in the great wide web is guilty of 'violating the regulations and laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain'.

First it was Google Translate, which by the way, IS STILL BLOCKED. Because translating stuff is bad, mmmkay. If you translate, you understand. If you understand, you learn. And we're not allowed to learn now, are we?

The complaints persist. Tech forums are bad, because you can, y'know, learn about technology and get a step ahead of them censorship Nazis. Art forums are bad, because art is like, y'know, porn. Fashion sites are bad, because fashion is like, well, manikins, which we all know pervy boys like to drool over. Gambing is obviously evil, and nothing whatsoever like purchasing a fifty dinar raffle ticket in Bahrain Duty Free. Politics is bad, because it's opinionated and political 'n stuff.

And now, the I Cant Believe They're So Stupid award of the week goes once again to the Ministry of Culture and Information. Why?

Because, even though they have not blocked the overused, timedestroying social network that is Facebook, should you try to do something stupid like deactivate your account, you cant. Seriously. It is apparently fine to do a little online social networking, but it is ILLEGAL to close your account. That's right... if you are fed up with Facebook, tough shit. Closing your account 'violates the regulations and laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. Wait.. no... as I write this I tried once again to deactivate the diseased Facebook and it worked. Damn. I'll have to find something else to complain about.

Lets go back to Google Translate. Yeah, I know... everyone knows that Google Translate is blocked. But WHY IS IT STILL BLOCKED? Either the Ministry has a financial stake in Berlitz or they are terminally retarded. How can they possibly justify Google Translate being blocked for over a month? Maybe there is a word, a secret word, that when translated will bring about the apocalypse. A secret Bahraini word. A word that only we know. And by blocking Google Translate - that evil Internet oracle that translates everything (bad words included) - the Ministry is saving humanity.

If only we could figure out a way to turn ignorance into energy. We could save the world. All it would take is one little ignorance converter in one pointless Ministry. But who would build such a device? Not us, because as we all know, tekkie stuff is guilty of 'violating the regulations and laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain'.

Which brings us the the SITE BLOCKED screen of doom. They used to tell us what laws were being violated, but unfortunately, people can read. And when those damn literate people discovered that their legal argument was farcical, the almighty Ministry decided to do what they do best... censor. They censored themselves. Idiots.

But what exactly are these 'regulations' of which they speak? Bahrain has regulations? Nobody told me. I know there are regulations in the financial sector and the telecommunication sector and wherever else, but the Kingdom of Bahrain, as a whole, has regulations? I would very much like to see a copy of the Official Regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain. How entertaining that'd be...

What next? Terms and conditions? Waivers?

Welcome to Business Friendly Bahrain, the Island of Golden Smiles. Your experience may differ. Bahrain will not be responsible for any ignorance or injury you encounter during your stay. Freedoms are subject to availability. Terms and Conditions apply.

Ministry bad. Proxies good.

2009-03-02T01:31:00.003+03:00

Alrighty. So you are pissed off with Batelco and the Ministry of Disinformation, Truth, Culture and Censorship, or whatever they are calling themselves these days.

First of all, don't just accept it. Complain. Write letters. Scream. Sign petitions. Scream louder. Complain more.

And then, when your vocal cords are suitably painful, bypass the stupid pointless censorship.

How? It's simple.

Download something called Hotspot. The Ministryites know about it but you can get it from a number of mirrored sites. Be slightly patient, and it shall appear. There is a downside... it is slow. Yes, slow. Slower than the pathetic stone age speeds that BaZainCom call Internet. Still, there is no 'site blocked' nonsense, no blood pressure spikes and no broken computer monitors to contend with.

Another alternative is Ultrasurf. Again, you will have to do a little looking, but not much. Install, follow instructions and PRESTO... no 'site blocked' headaches. Unfortunately, Untrasurf, while not as slow as Hotspot, doesn't allow access to a bunch of sites, for reasons I cant be bothered to explore.

But not to worry. You see, while these applications help get around the annoyingness, their single best use is to access the lists and lists and lists of brand spanking new Proxies that nice people from all over the globe upload on a daily basis. Find a new proxy from a list of many, shove it into your browser and be on your way. It may take a few attempts, and the proxy that works for you may only last a day or two at the outside, but it works.

Better still, visit a proxy group on Yahoo or Google or somewhere. Many of them have email lists... which means you can get a list of brand new proxies in your inbox every single day. I could give you all step by step instructions, but I am far too lazy.

Be free. Be anonymous. But never, EVER stop complaining.

The World's Worst Mascot?

2009-03-02T00:34:00.008+03:00

Speedy the Desert Racer? Are you serious?

If this is the height of creativity in our Kingdom then Bahrain is in serious trouble. Speedy the Desert Racer? It gets blander every time I utter it. Soon it will disappear into a puff of hypo-allergenic pointlessness.

As I understand it a competition was held to name

the BIC's mascot, or something to that effect. The mascot, in case you did not know, is a guy in a suit with a helmet (yes, that thing in the picture is Speedy). There is nothing remarkable about him at all. Nothing memorable in the slightest. He looks like the Stig from Top Gear, but only inasmuch as the Stig looks like, y'know, a person with a helmet.

But even the blandest of mascots deserves a name better than Speedy the Desert Racer. Yeah, it's a race, in the desert, and like most races it involves... speed. I KNOW THAT. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

Speedy. Hardly a name that invokes the history and traditions of Bahrain, or the region. Yet it's a name that the rubberheads at BIC deem appropriate to represent their most valuable race.

When Springfield got the Olympics even Homer came up with a better mascot. Springy. Far, far superior in practically every way, and that was a mascot created in a fictional universe by the town dimwit.

The only way Speedy deserved to win the mascot naming competition is if he was the only entry. Or if the other entry was Olga the Russian Hooker. No, scratch that... Olga would have been a better (albeit more disease ridden) mascot. She would have appealed to the BIC's target market quite effectively. In fact, I propose that we start a petition to kill Speedy.

Do mascots catch diseases?

Cineco-mplete Fools.

2009-02-26T19:36:00.004+03:00

As one of the largest Cinema companies in the region, one would expect Cineco to, y'know, do something right. Hah!

Lets start with their 'website'. Pathetic. An utter farce. They have nothing that resembles useful information except the showtimes, all presented in the nastiest possible layout. Then we have the cinemas themselves. Mucky, filled with degenerate scum who insist on having loud mobile conversations with people who would seem to be in the very same theatre. And their concession stands... Popcorn, warm cola and if you are brave enough, the dodgiest nachos in the history of existence, all for a rather steep price.

All of which may be acceptable, if they played a half decent movie once in a while. As I write this, I understand, courtesy of the Bahraincinema.com webdebacle, that their new releases are: Crossing Over - a pointless drama that wants to be like that Crash movie, starring the has-been of the century Harrison Indy Jones Ford; and, get this... My Mom's New Boyfriend. Yes, that's right- My Mom's New Boyfriend. While it may have stars of relative merit including Antonio Desperado Banderas and Meg Sleepless Ryan, both of the online reviews for this unreleased joke are beyond negative. Yes, that's right.. both. TWO. In the world of the mighty Internet, only TWO people decided to weigh in on the awfulness that Bahrain Cinema blesses us with. Here is a quote from the first of the two reviews: "My Mom's New Boyfriend essentially comes off as an unmitigated disaster virtually from its opening frames."

It was never released on cinema anywhere else. But here, they make it look like a treat. Ingrates.

Yeah, so Crossing Over, the going-to-be flop, was released, according to the GDN, simultaneoulsy with the US. Woo fecking hooo. Who cares? That a film I never heard about and common consensus indicates is festering tripe is released at the same time as the US of A does not make me suddenly want to watch it.

Argghhh..

But then, when they decide to play a movie of merit.. one of the vague few times I consider gracing the big screen with my presence... they cut the hell out of it. Literally. Everything. Whether it was offensive or not. Whether it was integral to the storyline or not. Whatever they feel like chopping out, they chop out.

But that doesn't stop them. They keep multiplying. Like a plague. The Bahrain City Center will be home to the biggest cinema in the region, with a whopping 20 screens to screen censored pointlessness for a hefty chunk of change. And that's not all... We also get a VIP cinema. Yes, because as we know, important people like to watch bad movies too. The list goes on... according to the illegible press releases, the new cinema will house a 'reputable coffee house franchise' (my bet is on McCosta), 'variety of snacks' (popcorn), 'munches like crepes' (uhh.. crepes) and who knows what else.

Which brings me to one of my favourite tales of stupidity in recent months: The new BCC cinema 20 screen thing was supposed to be open when the mall opened way back in September of last year. But they had a problem. They built the theatres, installed the screens and did everything else you are supposed to do when opening a new cinema. Except for one thing... They forgot to install sound insulation. Seriously. 20 screens with state-of-the-art electronics and superduper sounds systems, but no insulation. So they had to rip the walls out and start again. Seriously. Supersized stupidity in a bucket of heavily salted (or sweetened) dumb. Would you like a coke with that?

Cineco, with their big spending and pointless excess seem to be forgetting one crucial detail (aside from intelligence of course)- movies. Find some good movies. Soon they will have 20 more screens for our mindlessly bored eyes to gaze upon, but how many people are going to go out of their way to watch 'My Mom's New Boyfriend'?

Gulf Daily Idiots

2009-02-24T14:05:00.005+03:00

Shaikh Salman was interviewed on Sky News yesterdayish.

In the Gulf Daily News the headline reads:

Bahrain defies global slowdown as safe investor haven

On the Sky News website its a different story altogether:

Crown Prince Of Bahrain: 'UK Too Pro-Israeli'

The GDN does not even mention the 'UK Too Pro-Israeli' comments. Sky News does not mention anything about the 'safe investor haven' stuff. And it was the same interview.

Now, being Sky News, I would expect nothing less. They are propagandists of the worst kind, Murdochian fear-mongers that have nothing better to do than try to turn anything into a scandal. As for the GDN- well, they are not news. They have never been news. They are a bunch of press releases, some event coverage, celebrity gossip and an overflow of stupid advertising, much of which comes from Hilal Group subsidiaries. The headline reads like the pointless quasi-propaganda that it is. A better headline would be "What Crisis?"

So, unless you actually watched the interview, its unlikely you'll ever know what the Crown Prince was really talking about. Why would the GDN not talk about his admirably brave comments? Surely its newsworthy? In fact, I'd go as far as to say that his unreported comments are more newsworthy - particularly from a local viewpoint - than anything else published by them in the last week (possibly even month). Are they cowardly or just stupid? I think both.

Ahh.. the hypocrisy.

2009-02-24T03:42:00.006+03:00

On one hand they censor our media, attempt to ban our alcohol, discuss arresting people for eating or possessing pork and spew ignorance at a bored national media who have no choice but to report it. On the other hand we have the Spring of Culture, Formula One, Exhibition bloody road and god knows what else.

Welcome to Bahrain.

These two worlds will collide. When they do, what will happen is anyone's guess. Imagine promoting the F1 to the world, trying to convince those who care that Bahrain's race is better than the newer, shinier Abu Dhabi race. People can fly here on our possibly alcohol-free excuse for a national carrier, and they can get a visa online so they don't have to queue. But while here they may or may not be able to drink. And they may or may not be able to eat pork. They may or may not be able to access their online media of choice. And who knows what else they may or may not be able to do. But, y'know, don't worry... Exhibition road will be just as pervy and disease ridden as ever.

And then we have the Spring of Culture. Personally, I have an issue or twelve with the festival, but it is hard to condemn. Yet perhaps we should condemn it. We should consider boycotting it. Why? Because the powers that be, those responsible for the Spring of Culture, are the same powers that have decided to take it upon themselves to police the Kingdom's morality. They are the same people who censor our internet and tell us what we are allowed to think. (Did you know that now, when trying to access links from your Facebook inbox, you get the new, shorter SITE BLOCKED nonsense. Even if the Facebook link is to google.com, or even Bahrain's very own E-Government.)

Culture and censorship do not mix- sort of like oil and water, but, y'know, more ideological. Yet here we have a situation where the big boss of culture and the censorship czar are one and the same. The persons who attempt to broaden horizons, educate and enrich are the very same villains that seek to deprive us of free speech, opinion, personal choice and whatever else they deem 'illicit' or 'immoral'. If that isn't hypocrisy, what is?

Bahrain cannot be cosmopolitan AND conservative, progressive AND primitive, cultural AND censored. It doesn't work that way. Pick a side and stick to it. Bahrain, like many of it's people is about image. Without image we are just a dusty island in the middle of Arabia. We try to market ourselves to the world -- encouraging professionals to seek careers and invest in property, begging tourists to give us their hard-earned cash, hoping big multinational corporations pick us to be their regional base -- yet the smallest bit of press about banning alcohol, pork or free media will be remembered long after the Business Friendly Bahrain ads and talk of Golden Smiles have come and gone. Business Friendly Bahrain it might be, logic friendly it certainly isn't.

Just Ban It

2009-02-13T04:14:00.002+03:00

Just Ban It... The new slogan for the Kingdom of Bahrain?

Our 'parliament', in their infinite wisdom, have decided that they can best serve society by banning everything and anything that they disagree with, for reasons that they clearly invent.

Alcohol on Gulf Air? Ban It. Why? This is a good time for a quote from one of our elected peers...

"Bahrain is a Muslim country, so why would we serve alcohol to customers?" ... "The money spent on alcohol should be put to better use. Most of the Muslim staff feel ashamed to serve alcohol."

Deep. What a solid reason. Economically sound, well researched and morally dignified. Not. What utterly ridiculous bullshit. Yes, Bahrain is a Muslim country, but it is a Muslim country that has built its reputation on its cosmopolitan lifestyle and (somewhat partial) lack of stupid judgementalism. Furthermore, Gulf Air, while officially the national carrier of Bahrain, doesn't just fly people to and from Bahrain. In these times of economic woe, and with the Golden Falcon losing what few feathers it has left, lets alienate the few customers Gulf Scare are struggling to sell themselves to by turning it into a mosque in the sky. Next up: Segregation with Wings.

"Most of the Muslim staff feel ashamed to serve alcohol"

Really? REALLY? First of all... how many of the cabin crew (sky waiters & waitresses) are Muslim. Secondly... of those Muslim cabin crew, how many are practicing, devout, will-be- offended-by-doing-their-job-that-puts-food-on-the-table-and-gives-them-a-place-to-live type Muslims. Maybe two?

Would those Muslim staff (all both of them) feel better if they were out of work? Would they be more spiritually sound after being made redundant thanks to dovetailing bookings courtesy of 'democracy'? Did they not know, when applying for and training for the position of Cabin Crew, that they would be serving alcohol? Yes, they did. Did they object then?

If parliament want to be able to dictate policy to a corporation worth hundreds of millions of some type of currency, do some research first. Read something. Get a professional to do a study of how it would affect bookings. Do something for the love of god. Don't just invent a reason and then get on your high horse. Don't you have better things to do?

Obviously not.

So, Airplane alcohol bad. Up next, Airport alcohol. Surprised? Here are some more wise words from the elected dimwits:

"We have received a lot of complaints, especially from women, who are being forced to serve drunken men at bars and lounges and others are complaining that they are being forced to sell alcohol at the Duty Free, despite the management knowing they are Muslims"

Whatever. First of all, how many bars are there in Bahrain's airport. One. And last time i was there, which was not long ago, there was a solitary male staffer. And he was from the subcontinent. As for the lounges... they employ the staffers of their respective airlines. Staff who, for the most part, spend their downtime in Bahrain's bland, booze-filled nightspots. Staff who, if they had serious concerns, would complain to their employers or unions and not to their all-knowing parliament. And FORCED? Has anyone ever seen a supervisor holding a knife to a Muslim serving person... "either you give that bloke his whiskey or I'll knife you." Yeah, right. Where are all of these complaints you claim to have received oh great wise parliament? Did they come to you in you sleep perhaps? Maybe they are voices in your head.

Yes, duty free does sell alcohol. And yes, there are a good deal of Muslim checkout staff swiping bottles of anything and everything to happy departees. But they are not selling the alcohol. They are processing the transaction. The transaction that, in absence of said alcohol, would not require checkout staff. I seriously doubt legions of Duty Free workers are lining up to make themselves redundant.

Next up... PORK.

"The first thing Jesus Christ - the saviour of all mankind - would do is break the cross and kill the pig," Wow. This is some deep stuff. And he goes on."The reasons for killing the pig are many, but recent studies have found that pork has a huge negative impact on people's health - among other complications."... "Pig products, or pork, should be kept away from our markets because it is clear they are harmful and have no other benefit."

Recent studies? Citations needed. Other complications? Citations please. And the whole thing with Jesus? Speculation I would assume, unless you have some awesome future-telling time-travel resurrection device.

Just picture it. Jesus Christ returns. Not to save humanity from itself. Not to right wrongs and do all his good Jesusly deeds. No, he's back to kill them pigs. Maybe he's hungry. Perhaps he can turn water into wine to wash down some of that tasty swine? No, he'd probably end up in jail for that.

I've had enough. Democracy, at least in this country, is looking more and more like a failed experiment.

McCosta McCoffee

2009-02-02T15:22:00.001+03:00

Once upon a time coffee shops in Bahrain had character. And then came Costa, courtesy of the Jawad Group. Some people rejoiced. Standardised coffee was more commonplace, and coffee started to be the in thing. Social events? Naahh.. lets go to Costa. Meetings? Costa. Lunch? Costa.

And Costa started to spread. One branch turned into three. And then ten. And now we have more than twentysomething branches of the worlds most boring coffee outlet. All serving the same overpriced nonsense. All with varying standards. All ridiculously understaffed and terribly bland.

Everywhere you go, Costa Coffee lurks ominously on a corner. Three branches (and counting) at the Seef Mall. At least another three in the airport. Adliya, Yateem Centre, Almoayyed Tower, BCC, Aali Mall, Sanad, Nwaidrat, Diplomatic Area, Riffa, Dana Mall and just about everywhere else. There are more branches of Costa bloody coffee than there are post offices. It's a plague.

The prices keep going up and the product keeps slipping, but people keep swarming to these fastfoodesque pits of coffee hell. Why? It cant possibly be because of the product. Their 'coffee' routinely tastes like warm muck and costs more than a decent meal. It's definitely not for the ambiance- most branches are kitted with horrible furniture, one newspaper, broken airconditioners and piles and piles of brochures. Ricky Martin or Spice Girls CDs play over and over again in the background, agitating everyone except the self-centered staff. Service? Not a chance.

As consumers we should demand more. Exercise choice. Not encourage the predatory behaviour that the Jawad people have learnt from western 'specialists'. They won't be happy until every other coffee outlet is dead and buried. And then the standards will slip even further, the prices will continue to climb and the staff will start cursing at every customer who dares venture through the door. Espresso will turn into Instant Coffee. Pastries will turn into chewy mud. Orange Juice will be replaced with Tang, or more likely, a Tesco's generic equivalent.

There are alternatives. Not Starbucks- you may as well hand your cash to Israel. Real alternatives. Go to La Ventana. Or even New York Coffee. Buy an espresso machine- they cost nothing and make far superior coffee. Encourage local businesses and small startups by giving them your custom. Stop shelling out for horrible overpriced goop and teach the McJawads a McLesson. Then they might McLearn.

Those damned lights...

2009-01-27T14:48:00.000+03:00

The Bahrain Financial Harbour was supposed to be this great, monumental landmark that put Bahrain "Up Where We Belong" or something. Amongst the great financial cities. Kinda like Wall Street, but not.

And there they are. The big buildings that for over a year have bastardized the skyline. The big buildings that look only remotely similar to the basic level of sophistication offered in the 'visions'-the visualisations that promised a glittering city in the sea, where the successful and cool and intellegent work, play and exist.

Yeah, there's more to come. It can only get better. But please, please, please... will someone explain the lights?

Those horrible disco lights... those lights that make the structure seem like a 15-year old ministry of something clamouring for attention. The lights that, to some untrained border-crossers, would appear to indicate the presence of debauchery. Only in Bahrain...

As I have hypothesised in random complaints to newspapers and such, I believe that the only reason this new, supposedly ultra-modern travesty of a landmark could look the way it does is through sheer idiocy.

Look at the pictures of what they promised the buildings would look like. And then look at the buildings. You may probably notice that in most of the visualisations, all or most of the office lights were on. But in reality, the buildings are still not fully occupied and more importantly, people turn off their lights when work is finished. Apparently it's an energy-saving thing. Hippies.

So they built it and then, when it got dark they were all "hey.. y'know, we cant see it. People wont even know its here". A problem to which the obvious solution was a quick phone call to the national day lighting people who thought up a monstrous colour changing debacle. Bravo.

So they've censored your internet...

2009-01-27T04:27:00.000+03:00

Hahahaha...

Just when you thought Bahrain's Interweb couldn't get any worse, the all-new Ministry of Information and Culture go and censor the great wide web. But, as far as I know, only if you have Batelco.

I don't. I suffer with Zain. But at least my internet isnt censored. Yet.

Draconian stuff this censorship. First you get people up in arms that two or three sites that no-one visits cant be accessed unless you have a smidgen of resourcefulness, and then...

They get stupid. For not only have the mighty ministry taken it upon themselves to act as society's moral compass, again. No, that wouldn't be enough. Now they've decided that in order to protect ourselves from ourselves we are no longer allowed to use Google Translate.

Because as everyone knows, having to use an online translator is, like, totally unislamic. Or perhaps it's just too unintellectual. So what if the dedicated few have realised that Google Translate can be used to make the blocked stuff unblocked, albeit in a different language? I never realised that until they went and blocked it.

Yeah, they went and blocked some porn and some politics and some other nonsense... It's unjustifiable but understandable, at least when you try to think like a ministry muppet.

Muppet 1: "So... Internet haram."

Muppet 2: "Yes, but what to do?"

Muppet1: "Close it?""

Muppet2: "Yimkin, but people will comblain"

Muppet1: "Okay.. then we only close it shwayaa."

Muppet2: "Ajeeeb. Yalla!"

And then they likely reeled off the lists and lists of porn sites that instantly came to mind. And by the time they asked another two of their co-workers, they had a 20something megabyte text file (it actually exists, allegedly) full of domains that are suddenly inappropriate. And just to make it suck more, they block all the proxy sites that they could think of. All the proxy sites that they likely used to bypass Batelco's pathetic oldschool firewalls. All the proxy sites that probably helped them access the porn 'n stuff they knew well enough to block. And then they block Google Translate.

The stench of stupidity is eye watering.

Next up is probably facebook. Why not? People can see people they know. HARAM. Hell, what about Google? Google makes it easy for people to find things, things which might be HARAM! And Dictionary.com, because we all know that you can use a dictionary to look up rude words, which obviously is HARAM. Soon Bahrain's Internet will be nothing more than a collection of e-government nonsense, Batelco.com.bh and FeedMe. What more do the dimwitted masses require?

Umm... Hello?

2009-01-27T04:08:00.000+03:00

I've never made a blog before. I never realised quite how simple it was, and I never felt the need to complain as frequently as I now do.

Effectivc? Not really. Posting my constant grudges with existence on an obscure page in the mighty wilderness of the great wide interweb is likely to achieve nothing but timewastage, but I have time.

So let the wastage begin...