Pesky swine.

Great. 
Fantastic.

Wonderful. 

Swine flu. Swine bloody flu. The man-made disease that has nothing to do with bloody swine has arrived on our sunny shores, despite parliaments ridiculous attempt to prevent it from doing so by banning pork. Hurrah!

It was bound to happen. Not just because of the utter ignorance of our elected peers who were likely delighted by the emergence of this new strain of evil, but because Bahrain is a prime candidate for such a disease - especially now that students are coming home from all across the world for the dreaded summer.

If parliament really cared, they might have done a bit of reading on the subject. Instead of trying to use the panic to pass pointless legislation, which they are guilty of doing, they might have been better served trying to limit the influx of US Military into our Kingdom. That there have been no cases, reported as yet, amongst the servicemen and women in Bahrain does not mean that it wont happen. Look at Kuwait, with 18 or so sniffly new cases. We're hosting an aircraft carrier. There is a lot of room for sniffles to hide on board a ship bigger than Manama. The families of military personnel are set to flood back into Bahrain, bringing with them their savings, pets, thoughts, and quite possibly, disease. But our guardians, the mighty Members o' Parliament think it wiser to prevent our damnation instead of protecting our health. 

Get sick for all we care. As long as you don't eat pork, drink alcohol or try to interfere with our much deserved pay raise, it's all good. We're busy with other shit.. y'know... important stuff. Important stuff, like, well... family law. 

Yeah, we've gone from swine flu to family law. Why? Because, of course, of parliament. And because I'm rambling. 

Last week, parliament passed a long-awaited family law draft that aims to improve the status of women. This law was intended to govern things such as personal status, marriage, divorce and custody. It is, as anyone who has ever read our local excuse for a newspaper knows, a much needed start. And it sounds good. So far. The problem is that this long awaited law will only improve the status of Sunni women. Only Sunni women. No Shiites, because that'd be, well... bad. 

The initial draft, submitted by the government, did in fact cover both Sunni and Shiite women, but Al Wefaq, the voice of Shiites in our 'esteemed' house of representatives, rejected it without compromise. Why? Because according to Al Wefaq, the Parliament is not qualified to debate or decide on family matters rooted in religious jurisprudence. 

So, the government revised the draft, changing the title from 'family law' to 'family law: Sunni section'. It sounds like a bad sequel to an awful movie, starring the woman from Judging Amy and the guy from Law and Order. And it gives way to a two-tiered family status that will be chaotic at best and barbaric at worst. It is patently unfair and unwise, in every possible way. 

And, thanks to the entire Shiite block of parliament walking out, the family law sequel was passed. It has not yet been signed into law, and over twenty NGO's have appealed to delay that happening, arguing rightly that endorsement of the law would slow efforts to introduce a common family law to Bahrain. Who is left for our parliament to alienate? Expats? check. Liberals? check. Non-Muslims? Check. Labourers? check. Women? check.  The only people that are likely to have anything good to say about our attempt at democracy are conservative, Muslim, Bahraini men with no logic... oh, wait... they're the MPs. 

That's what parliament have been up to.  

That, and well, giving themselves a massive pay rise. A pay rise that they believe they deserve. A pay rise that takes them even further out of touch with reality. A pay rise that in the end, will likely be their undoing. I for one believe that parliament should double their salaries. Not because they earned it, but because by doing so, people with brains and qualifications would be more inclined to compete in elections. And these people, with a hint of intelligence and a smidgen of logic, would likely win whatever seats they contested. And the MPs of old will have to kiss goodbye to their fat paychecks and numerous benefits. They will be relegated back to the real world, where their self-righteous indignation will go all but unnoticed. And maybe, just maybe, Bahrain will be able to reclaim a bit of its squandered pride. 

But first we have to deal with that pesky swine flu. 

Obstinate Morons

Parliament are at it again. Still unhappy despite the shockingly primitive and biased way with which our Ministries dealt with alcohol in the hotel industry, Parliament are now calling for 'a blanket ban on public sales of alcohol at Bahrain's hotels, restaurants, clubs and off-licenses'. 

They tried the same thing last year, to no avail. But this year it's different, because they've thrown in a concession or two. This time around, they're nice enough to allow those who want to consume alcohol to consume it, in the privacy of their own homes, thanks to the marvel that is home delivery. Oh, and guests in hotels would be allowed to get hammered in their rooms, but nowhere else. And since being drunk in public is a supposed crime, tourists would have an awesome time watching TV, looking out the window and surfing our extraordinarily restricted Internet. 

This new go round was proposed by Parliaments legislative and legal affairs committee vice-chairman because 'It is the main reason behind unclean tourism and the consequences the country is facing from increased crime.' Okay, but since you are so gosh darn certain, surely a few facts, figures or even interesting sketches would help support your claims. If it is the 'main reason' as you stipulate, I want proof. I demand proof. Your word is worth about as much to me as the McDonald's coupons you used to get on the back of a cinema ticket, and I hate McDonald's.

And then it gets better. Parliament financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman spewed his two cents: 'We don't want this unclean money, even if the government claims that it is benefiting the economy.' Choice words coming from the the financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman - someone who is supposed to, y'know, sort our economic and financial problems, not make them worse. May I be so bold as to ask what your qualifications are, Mr. vice-chairman? Economic and financial qualifications that is, as I care not about your level 9 devotion to the lord. Would you be so kind as to demonstrate how much money is generated from alcohol and the hospitality industry, and then present us with your fantastic plan to nullify the net loss incurred by obliterating these industries? How do you propose to appease the thousands of Bahrainis who will inevitably find themselves jobless due to your irresponsible certainty? 

And then, the icing on the cake of insolence and the nail in the coffin of common sense was generously provided by Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman: 'We will accept failure in the economy if alcohol is banned, since we have taken the decision. The call is ours and we will handle the consequences.' 

Talk about a power trip. First of all, this bloke is on the foreign affairs, defence and national security committee. While it is far too broad a mandate to be of any real-world use and likely just a nice line to throw onto his shiny business cards, he is responsible for foreign affairs. Do tell us how this blanket ban would affect Bahrain's relationship with the western world? How would it affect our image? How would you plan to fill the vacancies left when scores of professional, specialised westerners fled in disgust? 

Consequences. They speak of consequences, obviously aware they will arise. But how could anyone with a hint of brain matter be comfortable allowing these rejects from the Muppet show to deal with such 'consequences'. I for one am terrified. 

It would go something like this: 

Brain Drain? Not a problem. I have a cousin who would like to be a senior engineer specialised in whatever the hell it was that guy who went to Saudi for twelve times more cash was doing. Also, you know, Bahrainis should be getting this very highly paid, specialised jobs. In fact, I have several brothers who would be very good managing offshore banks, because they are good with money and have nice cars, even a Mercedes.

Unemployment? No, no, no. They will all be happy when they are not forced to do the devils work. Happier in their souls. So what if they cannot feed their children? Dying of hunger is much better than eating food prepared by the devil.  And when they all die, then there will be less need for jobs, no? So god will solve this problem that you call 'unemployment', inshallah.

Tourism? As we have specified on numerous occasions, we are only interested in family tourism. You know, rich families who want to spend lots of money in our shops. In fact, I have several outlets of my own, catering exclusively to stupid rich people and their children. Families are easier to rip off. Also, we don't want people who come to Bahrain to have fun, especially if they are not rich, because if that happens, they will come back, possibly even with friends. This would be bad, because people who like to enjoy themselves and do not have lots of money are clearly working for the devil. Also, we have Formula One, so once a year we can milk tourists for all they're worth. What more do we need?

Right to personal freedom? Yes, we may have specified that everyone has a right to personal freedom, but by everyone, we meant MPs. And by personal freedom, we meant the right to browse the world of porn without anyone finding out. We did not mean that normal people should have rights, because then how would we be better than them? 

I live in hope that the cabinet, who have to approve this proposal before it becomes law, will discard it as they have done previously. And if they do, will someone please tell these MPs to get over themselves and actually do something that might possibly help Bahrain. Please? Sort out something that you'd be hard pressed to make worse, like traffic. Or why not form a choir? At least that would be amusing in a less frightening way. How about MP smackdown? You could televise it, franchise it and make some cash with which to offset the net losses to the economy that you so willingly pursue. Or perhaps you should all go on holiday, again. The further away you all are, the less harm to common sense we have to endure. I hear Fiji is nice this time of year. And Siberia can be a blast. I'll even chip in for your tickets. 

Can I Help You?

What the hell? I say hell, or rather I write hell, for the hell of it. I do not write the word hell because I am satanic. But what's the bet the CID and other power-mad loons don't see it that way? 

By now I'm sure some if not most sane individuals have heard about the travesty that was the 'Rage to the Extreme' rock concert that was held at the Palace Hotel recently. The promoters jumped through all the hoops, filled in all the forms and kissed all the ass that needed kissing - all part of the thankless task of organising events in Bahrain. 

The show went on. For a little while. Until, in their ultra-righteousness, some CID muppets climbed on stage and arrested a guitarist. Not for being untalented. Not for instigating revolution. Not for dealing drugs or starting a riot or anything. No... they arrested the poor sod because he was wearing a t-shirt that they deemed inappropriate and satanic. Seriously. This t-shirt:

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? What right do the CID of all people have to judge what is and is not satanic? And do they really possess the right to arrest, confiscate, photograph and humiliate the person guilty of their subjective crime? 

The guitarist in question was Sri Lankan and was part of a group called the Mushroom Massacre. Sure, they're a hard rock outfit with a suspect name who perform self-composed 'gems' like 'Ode to a Motherfucker', but that doesn't mean they are satanic. Playing or enjoying loud and heavy music is not a gateway to the underworld, as our authorities and elected peers would have us believe. It is, like just about everything else, a matter of personal taste. 

Taste. Something CID obviously don't have. Because after being arrested and humiliated and whatnot, Bahrain's very own guitar hero left captivity wearing... wait for it... a Craig David t-shirt. Because Craig David is obviously not satanic. Sure, he sings about having sex with loads of women and his breakout hit was a song about him sneaking about with someone else's girl, but CID likes Craig, so he cant possibly be Satan's pal. 

This is how it happened, in the words of someone who was actually there:

"Someone just came on stage and said the show was over, after that there were two breaks for prayer" 

Two breaks for prayer? At a rock concert? Because we all know that if you don't pray twice after listening to rock, you're well and truly fucked. The first prayer confuses the demon. The second one suckerpunches it upside it's ugly demon head and sends it back to hell. 

The power mad CID also took it upon themselves to instruct the entire crowd to turn their t-shirts inside out. Surely they have better things to do than enforcing unwritten dress codes - y'know, like catching people who plant bombs in cars and stuff. Perhaps they have priorities. I can just imagine the list in CID HQ:

CID Most Wanted:

1) Satan

2) People who like Satan

3) Witches

4) Alcohol drinkers

5) Pork eaters

6) Black t-shirt wearers

7) Runaway workers 

8) Language abusers

9) Gang Rapists

10) Terrorists

Have they not learnt that stupidity of this magnitude gets a whole lot of international attention? Type 'Bahrain' into Google News and you'll get a combination of articles about a.) Formula Bloody One and b.) A guitarist being arrested for a really, really stupid reason. This is the impression we are sending the rest of the world. We race fast cars and arrest people for wearing mildly amusing t-shirts. 

The authorities should be embarrassed and the CID officers responsible should be disciplined - unless we want the world to believe that Bahrain's best crimefighters are also the all-new Morality Police. First we were being compared to China. Now we're the all-new Saudi too. Up next: North Korea?