HAH!

Just after posting the last post about whatever I noticed a headline on the side of the screen where the headlines like to hang out that made me laugh. I didn't read the story, but I can guess what's in it. Anyway, the headline read:

Weiner Condemns Bahrain.

Awesome.

Free-dumb!

Last week Reporters Sans Frontiers released their annual world index of press freedom. Who knew? It wasn't in any of the local news. Not even a mention. Care to guess why?

Because the only time our precious media is keen to report anything about league tables of whatever is when Bahrain climbs up in the rankings. And this year, according to RSF, Bahrain have plummeted a whopping 23 places, down from 96 to 119. Impressive. We're tied with Angola, and just one measly place ahead of Bangladesh - also recently dubbed 'the most corrupt country on earth' or something to that effect. We're well behind Qatar, Oman, the UAE and Kuwait, but not to worry - at least we're ahead of Iraq, Iran, Saudi, Egypt and Libya.

All this in a year where Bahrain has been talking up it's free press credentials. Just a pointer- pretending that we have free press does not make it so. And publishing an endless tirade of propaganda in local media about how free our press is doesn't make it any more free.

Maybe we just misinterpreted the rules. Maybe the Minsteress for Informology and Culturisation thought that ensuring the BNA website was free of charge for all those brave enough to wrestle with the lingo was enough. Maybe they studied the price of our newspaper(s) in relation to the rest of the world and determined that while we weren't quite free (not counting Al Waseet of course), at least we are pretty cheap. I don't know.

But the biggest gripe I have is that our press is too fucking scared to even talk about how free our press isn't. Not even a whisper. Nothing. The Emirates mentioned it a bit, but that's because they only fell by a measly 17 places in the rankings, despite having new laws that make it illegal to say bad shit about anyone or the economy or someone's horse. We on the other hand, despite all our CAPITAL LETTERS professing Bahrain's awesomeness managed somehow to plummet a whopping 23 places. Our 'media' loves to talk about rankings - be it how 'Free' our economy is, how 'good' we are at football, that we are ranked 'high' in the UN human development index... but when it comes to talking about one of the only rankings that really matters... we get silence. It could be down to incredibly bad reporting, which we know is a chronic Bahraini disease. Maybe the GDN and whoever else didn't get emailed a press release to cut and paste. Whatever. We should all be ashamed.

Obama became president and the USA climbed 16 places or so. We get ourselves a new Minister of Informativeness and we plummet 23 places. Hmmm... If that's not a measure of job performance, what is?

Seriously, did anyone think Bahrain's press could get any worse? Any less 'free'? Lets blame democracy. And education. If people couldn't read, then publishers could print whatever the hell they felt like. Maybe if we made reading illegal, like most of the internet seems to be... Alternatively, lets just pretend we already know everything. Then there'd be no need for press, and hence press freedom would be irrelevant. Wait, don't we already do that?

Wahuuuuh?

Another year, another mascot. Wahoooooooo, the oft-delayed waterpark in the City Centre mall, has done the one and only thing that Bahraini PR firms seem to be able to do these days: invented a mascot.

According to various media outlets, the "coolest turtle in town will be called Squirtle".

Now, Squirtle is an infinitely superior moniker to the BIC's Speedy. But... and this here is a nice, chunky, supersized but... It's the name of a Pokemon.

Yup. Bahrain's latest home-grown creation, named after a publicity spree and a competition in English and Arabic, with the help of 25 schools and over 500 participants, also just happens to be the name of a popular character from a thoroughly incomprehensible Japanese franchise.

They went with Squirtle because, according to Gulf Weekly, 'it rhymes with turtle and has a squirting water association'. And here's the best bit... three different participants, all aged 11, all from St. Chris, submitted the same name.

Mitchell Sandy, 11, from Jannusan, was the first to suggest the name and won a Wahooo! family pass to enjoy all the facilities once the waterpark is open and a goodie bag. Scarlet Robinson, 11, from Riffa, and Rebecca Dench, 11, from Janabiyah, also came up with Squirtle and won a family pass and tickets for the waterpark respectively.

The youngsters attend St Christopher's School and had no idea they all had individually come up with the same brainwave until they met at the awards ceremony on Saturday!

Bravo. It was a 'brainwave'. Or perhaps it could have had something to with the fact that the target demographic for Pokemon is children under the age of 12.

That nobody questioned the name is rather bewildering. For three separate individuals to submit the same name - a name that the management and PR peeps of Wahoooo! believe to be an original creation from the exceptionally gifted minds of 11 year old students - is somewhat suspect. Especially if they all spelt the name the same way, which I assume they did. Surely someone somewhere in the process would have gone to the extent of consulting the Google oracle, y'know, just to be sure. Nope.

Yes, this is rather mundane. Trivial in fact. And yes, I admit, I knew that there was a Pokemon character called Squirtle, thanks to a brief attempt at deciphering the children's craze of yester-decade - a task at which I failed miserably.

Pokemon is a registered trademark of Nintendo. I would assume that the trademark and copyright extends to the characters and their likenesses. And yes, there are likenesses. Squirtle the Pokemon thing is a Turtle-type creature thing that squirts water. And Squirtle the Wahoooooooo mascot is a Turtle that squirts water. The only real difference is that Squirtle, the Nintendo character, might possibly be part squirrel or something.

But seriously... Nobody in the entire process looked it up? Nobody thought that the imagination of children could be skewed by some lawsuit-crazed behemoth of intellectual property? It would seem not. More worryingly, none of the parents thought to bring it up. Perhaps because no parents can understand what the hell Pokemon is, but that's not really an excuse. If you don't know what it is your children are watching, playing or whatever, you probably shouldn't be letting them do it.

I'm hoping... no, I'm praying that we get ourselves a nice, big, international-headline grabbing lawsuit. It wont come to that. I might, y'know, email the legal department of Nintendo just for giggles. And if something this blatantly actionable doesn't get a PR monkey fired, nothing will.

Google 'Squirtle'. Google 'Squirtle Bahrain'. It's all Pokemon. Do you think the Ministry muppets who occasionally harass Bahrain's good ol' fashioned bootleg DVD stores will hanging around City Centre shouting and poking and whining as only the Ministry can do?

Is this news?

It's been a while since I did myself the displeasure of attempting to read anything on the Ministry of Information's one and only Bahrain News Agency website. But, against my better judgement, I clicked on a link to a story that sounded like it'd be jam packed full of nonsensical goodness. And it was. So here it is.

The block capitals belong to the BNA, cut and pastified from their 'website'. The bold italics are all mine. Enjoy.

BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSIC IN OCTOBER

MANAMA, SEPT.30 (BNA) -- THE CULTURE AND NATIONAL HERITAGE SECTOR WILL ORGANIZE THE 18TH BAHRAIN INTERNATIONAL MUSIC FESTIVAL ON 10-16 OF NEXT OCTOBER.

Next October? Does that mean October 2010?

THE FESTIVAL WILL BE HELD AT THE CULTURAL HALL NEAR BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSEUM WITH THE PARTICIPATION OF GULF AND INTERNATIONAL MUSIC BANDS TO ENTERTAIN THE AUDIENCE WITH LOVE, BEAUTY AND PEACE SONGS AND MUSIC.

Awesome... I love beauty and peace songs and music. It's so much better than ugly and war songs and music, don't you think?

THE FESTIVAL, SINCE ITS FIRST INCEPTION ON SEPTEMBER 26, 1992, HAS PLAYED A VITAL ROLE IN THE GROWING CULTURE AND ARTS ARENAS IN BAHRAIN AND STOOD AS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MUSIC ACTIVITIES IN THE GULF.

Yeah. It's like really, totally popular, and millions of people flock to our Kingdom to enjoy the 'beauty and peace songs and music'. Every year, since 1992, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Bahrain invented happiness.

THE MUSIC FESTIVALS WHICH WORLD PEOPLES CELEBRATE REPRESENT SUITABLE OCCASIONS FOR PEOPLES AND CIVILIZATIONS TO MEET AND BUILD BRIDGES OF ACCULTURATION, SPECIALLY THAT MUSIC IS A FORM OF INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE.

Ladies and gentlemen... a lesson in sentence construction from the Ministry of Information. 'World peoples', because they are better than, well, aliens. So, the world peoples celebrate music festivals, and these music festivals are 'suitable occasions' for people to get together and try to love one another right now. Hey, I think I just infringed me a copyright. Woo hoo. Maybe the BNA just got the lyrics to 'Get Together', used Google Translate (they blocked it to keep it all to themselves), and after translating the English lyrics to German, then Dutch, Swahili, Arabic and then Back to English, we got ourselves this 'story'. And if music is a form of 'International Language' (lets not even get into the 'Specially'), surely all music would be 'blocked for violating the laws and regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. Just Like Google Translate.

THE CULTURE AND HERITAGE SECTOR SEIZES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXTEND THANKS AND APPRECIATION OF BROTHERLY AND FRIENDLY COUNTRIES' EMBASSIES, MINISTRIES AND ESTABLISHMENTS FOR THE SUPPORT THEY OFFERED TO THE ORGANIZERS.

What's a nice bit of news without some good ol' fashioned ass kissing?

And that's that. Don't y'all feel enlightened. It's really nice to see the positive impact Shaikha Mai's had since she took over the Ministry of Informativeness. I suppose the news would be important, if it didn't keep getting in the way of her dictatorial pointlessness. Do you think she's ever even seen the BNA website? EVER?

Inglorious Bastards.

Bahrain used to be a polite country. Bahrainis have forever applauded themselves for being hospitable, friendly and courteous. It's just one of the ways they pat each other on the back. An unquantifiable, entirely subjective way with which to claim superiority over our neighbours. We might not be as rich, powerful, big or beautiful, but who cares? We are polite. We are gracious. Or so we believe.

This 'theory' can be disproved in seconds. Just get in your car, or someone else's car, and go for a short drive. Within seconds you will be transported into a place filled with hate, rage and utter stupidity. No matter where you are. No matter how good or bad the traffic is. It always ends the same. Honking, jousting for position, the occasional game of chicken and a complete lack of respect.

When did overtaking someone become a personal insult? Even if the person in the fancy, rather capable automobile in front of you is driving slowly, chatting on their phone or eating a shawarma or plucking their eyebrows, as soon as you try to overtake them they speed up. Not enough for you to get on your way, but just enough to prevent you getting in front of them. Because, god forbid, should you manage to get your vehicle between them and their destination, their whole day will go straight to hell.

Go to a mall, or somewhere else where people gather. Try to walk in a straight line. It's impossible. Even if you were there first. Even if you are on your way to somewhere with purpose. The right of way automatically belongs to the other person. This is the new Bahraini mentality. A superiority complex that is overwhelmingly undeserved plagues the people of this Kingdom.

Try being a pedestrian. Actually, don't, unless you harbor a particular desire for pain and/or death. If you are on foot, you are automatically classed as scum. Cross a road at your own peril. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. The only way the person in the shiny SUV will even consider not squishing you is if you look like you might scratch their bumper. Self interest prevails. Selfishness is now fashionable.

Politeness. It was our defining characteristic, and now, its all but gone. I applaud when I see a basic act of decency in public, so rare have they become. Without our manners we are nothing but island-dwellers. Pirates. Uncultured, self-absorbed snobs. Bastards. All of us.

We see it happen and we shrug it off. It has become a way of life. Decency doesn't just come and go... it takes generations to cultivate. And if we continue on our current trajectory, soon Bahrain will be known as that hostile, stuck-up little island overpopulated with assholes. With F1. And, ummm... F1. Y'know, those cars that go fast. My car goes fast. I'm better than you. Why are you here? Fuck off.

It's amusing. The one way we can claim superiority has led to a superiority complex. And our superiority complex has in turn eroded our superiority. Now, we're just arrogant. Can it be fixed? I don't know. Perhaps we should just throw in the towel. We could try to become the most bastardly nation on the planet - a place where self interest prevails, where assholes are cool, where general decency is extinct. Everyone would hate us, but who cares? The only opinion that matters is our own.

And, when people say

"Bahrainis are the rudest people we've ever heard of",

we, like Keith Richards, would reply...

"At least you've heard of us"