Obstinate Morons

Parliament are at it again. Still unhappy despite the shockingly primitive and biased way with which our Ministries dealt with alcohol in the hotel industry, Parliament are now calling for 'a blanket ban on public sales of alcohol at Bahrain's hotels, restaurants, clubs and off-licenses'. 

They tried the same thing last year, to no avail. But this year it's different, because they've thrown in a concession or two. This time around, they're nice enough to allow those who want to consume alcohol to consume it, in the privacy of their own homes, thanks to the marvel that is home delivery. Oh, and guests in hotels would be allowed to get hammered in their rooms, but nowhere else. And since being drunk in public is a supposed crime, tourists would have an awesome time watching TV, looking out the window and surfing our extraordinarily restricted Internet. 

This new go round was proposed by Parliaments legislative and legal affairs committee vice-chairman because 'It is the main reason behind unclean tourism and the consequences the country is facing from increased crime.' Okay, but since you are so gosh darn certain, surely a few facts, figures or even interesting sketches would help support your claims. If it is the 'main reason' as you stipulate, I want proof. I demand proof. Your word is worth about as much to me as the McDonald's coupons you used to get on the back of a cinema ticket, and I hate McDonald's.

And then it gets better. Parliament financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman spewed his two cents: 'We don't want this unclean money, even if the government claims that it is benefiting the economy.' Choice words coming from the the financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman - someone who is supposed to, y'know, sort our economic and financial problems, not make them worse. May I be so bold as to ask what your qualifications are, Mr. vice-chairman? Economic and financial qualifications that is, as I care not about your level 9 devotion to the lord. Would you be so kind as to demonstrate how much money is generated from alcohol and the hospitality industry, and then present us with your fantastic plan to nullify the net loss incurred by obliterating these industries? How do you propose to appease the thousands of Bahrainis who will inevitably find themselves jobless due to your irresponsible certainty? 

And then, the icing on the cake of insolence and the nail in the coffin of common sense was generously provided by Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman: 'We will accept failure in the economy if alcohol is banned, since we have taken the decision. The call is ours and we will handle the consequences.' 

Talk about a power trip. First of all, this bloke is on the foreign affairs, defence and national security committee. While it is far too broad a mandate to be of any real-world use and likely just a nice line to throw onto his shiny business cards, he is responsible for foreign affairs. Do tell us how this blanket ban would affect Bahrain's relationship with the western world? How would it affect our image? How would you plan to fill the vacancies left when scores of professional, specialised westerners fled in disgust? 

Consequences. They speak of consequences, obviously aware they will arise. But how could anyone with a hint of brain matter be comfortable allowing these rejects from the Muppet show to deal with such 'consequences'. I for one am terrified. 

It would go something like this: 

Brain Drain? Not a problem. I have a cousin who would like to be a senior engineer specialised in whatever the hell it was that guy who went to Saudi for twelve times more cash was doing. Also, you know, Bahrainis should be getting this very highly paid, specialised jobs. In fact, I have several brothers who would be very good managing offshore banks, because they are good with money and have nice cars, even a Mercedes.

Unemployment? No, no, no. They will all be happy when they are not forced to do the devils work. Happier in their souls. So what if they cannot feed their children? Dying of hunger is much better than eating food prepared by the devil.  And when they all die, then there will be less need for jobs, no? So god will solve this problem that you call 'unemployment', inshallah.

Tourism? As we have specified on numerous occasions, we are only interested in family tourism. You know, rich families who want to spend lots of money in our shops. In fact, I have several outlets of my own, catering exclusively to stupid rich people and their children. Families are easier to rip off. Also, we don't want people who come to Bahrain to have fun, especially if they are not rich, because if that happens, they will come back, possibly even with friends. This would be bad, because people who like to enjoy themselves and do not have lots of money are clearly working for the devil. Also, we have Formula One, so once a year we can milk tourists for all they're worth. What more do we need?

Right to personal freedom? Yes, we may have specified that everyone has a right to personal freedom, but by everyone, we meant MPs. And by personal freedom, we meant the right to browse the world of porn without anyone finding out. We did not mean that normal people should have rights, because then how would we be better than them? 

I live in hope that the cabinet, who have to approve this proposal before it becomes law, will discard it as they have done previously. And if they do, will someone please tell these MPs to get over themselves and actually do something that might possibly help Bahrain. Please? Sort out something that you'd be hard pressed to make worse, like traffic. Or why not form a choir? At least that would be amusing in a less frightening way. How about MP smackdown? You could televise it, franchise it and make some cash with which to offset the net losses to the economy that you so willingly pursue. Or perhaps you should all go on holiday, again. The further away you all are, the less harm to common sense we have to endure. I hear Fiji is nice this time of year. And Siberia can be a blast. I'll even chip in for your tickets. 

Can I Help You?

What the hell? I say hell, or rather I write hell, for the hell of it. I do not write the word hell because I am satanic. But what's the bet the CID and other power-mad loons don't see it that way? 

By now I'm sure some if not most sane individuals have heard about the travesty that was the 'Rage to the Extreme' rock concert that was held at the Palace Hotel recently. The promoters jumped through all the hoops, filled in all the forms and kissed all the ass that needed kissing - all part of the thankless task of organising events in Bahrain. 

The show went on. For a little while. Until, in their ultra-righteousness, some CID muppets climbed on stage and arrested a guitarist. Not for being untalented. Not for instigating revolution. Not for dealing drugs or starting a riot or anything. No... they arrested the poor sod because he was wearing a t-shirt that they deemed inappropriate and satanic. Seriously. This t-shirt:

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? What right do the CID of all people have to judge what is and is not satanic? And do they really possess the right to arrest, confiscate, photograph and humiliate the person guilty of their subjective crime? 

The guitarist in question was Sri Lankan and was part of a group called the Mushroom Massacre. Sure, they're a hard rock outfit with a suspect name who perform self-composed 'gems' like 'Ode to a Motherfucker', but that doesn't mean they are satanic. Playing or enjoying loud and heavy music is not a gateway to the underworld, as our authorities and elected peers would have us believe. It is, like just about everything else, a matter of personal taste. 

Taste. Something CID obviously don't have. Because after being arrested and humiliated and whatnot, Bahrain's very own guitar hero left captivity wearing... wait for it... a Craig David t-shirt. Because Craig David is obviously not satanic. Sure, he sings about having sex with loads of women and his breakout hit was a song about him sneaking about with someone else's girl, but CID likes Craig, so he cant possibly be Satan's pal. 

This is how it happened, in the words of someone who was actually there:

"Someone just came on stage and said the show was over, after that there were two breaks for prayer" 

Two breaks for prayer? At a rock concert? Because we all know that if you don't pray twice after listening to rock, you're well and truly fucked. The first prayer confuses the demon. The second one suckerpunches it upside it's ugly demon head and sends it back to hell. 

The power mad CID also took it upon themselves to instruct the entire crowd to turn their t-shirts inside out. Surely they have better things to do than enforcing unwritten dress codes - y'know, like catching people who plant bombs in cars and stuff. Perhaps they have priorities. I can just imagine the list in CID HQ:

CID Most Wanted:

1) Satan

2) People who like Satan

3) Witches

4) Alcohol drinkers

5) Pork eaters

6) Black t-shirt wearers

7) Runaway workers 

8) Language abusers

9) Gang Rapists

10) Terrorists

Have they not learnt that stupidity of this magnitude gets a whole lot of international attention? Type 'Bahrain' into Google News and you'll get a combination of articles about a.) Formula Bloody One and b.) A guitarist being arrested for a really, really stupid reason. This is the impression we are sending the rest of the world. We race fast cars and arrest people for wearing mildly amusing t-shirts. 

The authorities should be embarrassed and the CID officers responsible should be disciplined - unless we want the world to believe that Bahrain's best crimefighters are also the all-new Morality Police. First we were being compared to China. Now we're the all-new Saudi too. Up next: North Korea?

 

The Censorship Saga Continues...

Bahrainblogs.org, an aggregator of Bahraini blogs and nothing more, has been blocked by the Ministry of Information and Vultures. All it did was put all the blogs about Bahrain in one easy to find place, and nothing more. Blocking it is like banning the phone book because you don't like some of the people listed in it. I'd love to know what regulations and/or laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain Bahrainblogs.org allegedly violated. Perhaps it was that, y'know, regulation type thing about linking to stuff that could possibly contain opinion. No such rule? Who cares? Block it anyway. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

First of all, it's only blocked in Bahrain. It will still be updated (I hope) and read (I know) by people here and abroad. I wonder if the Ministry realises that blocking sites only blocks them locally? I don't think they do. I think they think that by clicking their magic block button, all the criticisms will disappear. Nobody will ever get a chance to read them ever again. And the opinionated bloggers, they'll be so utterly frustrated by the big powerful Ministry's actions that they'll give up blogging all together. 

Morons.

As soon as they press their magic block button people get curious. And curiosity is far more powerful than any stupid blue coat firewall. Anyone with a hint of inspiration has already figured out how to bypass the pointless blockages, and with every new blockage emerges a wave of new bypass experts. Soon their whole morality-upholding experiment will be proven to be what it actually is: a complete, utter waste of time and money. Their time. Our money. 

The more they block stuff, the more people sit up and take notice. And when they take notice, they criticise. And when the right people criticise, even more people take notice. And soon everyone knows that Bahrain is "getting the hang of China's tricks". Not my words, but the words of Foreign Policy magazine. They talk about the 'pornography' excuse - 'a government-sanctioned effort to crack down on online vulgarity -- to shut down several sites offering highly critical opinions on political and social issues in modern China.' Sound familiar?

So now we're being directly compared to China, by reputable international publications. How the hell is that progress? Shouldn't someone get in trouble? After all, all Bahrain has ever cared about is its reputation. We blush when people call us progressive and democratic and free, so naturally we should be outraged when we are being compared to China, shouldn't we? Why are the only people getting disciplined are very same people who have been pointing out, from day one, that censorship is primitive and pointless?

Interestingly, the article goes on to point out that users who never wanted to access porn or political content are more likely to learn how to use censor-evading tools so that they can do the things they'd like to do online. This is known as the Cute Cat theory of digital activism. Read it. 

Make no mistake - the blocking will continue.  There is no way, no chance in hell, that they'll consider giving up now. So they'll cover their eyes and plug their ears and go on their merry way, barricading access to anything remotely opinionated or 'immoral'. And the blogging will go on. And the criticisms will get louder and louder and louder.  And eventually, when Bahrain's reputation has been dragged through the mud repeatedly, someone somewhere in the upper echelons of some ministry somewhere will realise that nothing has been achieved. But by then it'll probably be too late. 

  

The New Bahrain

They're at it again. The officials who think they can do whatever the hell they want to do under the guise of progress and morality have started a 'crackdown' on hotels violating tourism laws. But, according to the only information us plebs are allowed to know, the crackdown follows 'a new set of by-laws regulating hotels' operations''. Which, to my admittedly simple mind, sounds like they just made up a whole bunch of new laws and immediately set about prosecuting offenders. 

And that is just not fair. And it is definitely not Business Bloody Friendly either. And its about as far away from progress as you can get. 

These 'measures' (newspeak for draconian punishment) are being implemented in the name of 'family tourism' - an oft-used term that has yet to be officially defined. Hotels violating the 'new set of by-laws' will face penalties and even closure, according to Bahrain's self-appointed sensei of censorship, morality and the common good. 

They spoke of it last week and a few days ago it became a reality. Hotels across the Kingdom received letters informing them that they were no longer allowed to sell alcohol. One star and two star hotels. Cheap hotels. Hotels that cater to the less than rich. So, it's fair to say, Bahrain hates poor people. 

First of all, assuming that the only sleaze in Bahrain exists in cheap hotels is the equivalent of assuming that only cheap cars pollute, or that only poor people fart. It's fucking ridiculous. All the three, four and five star hotels are rife with sleaze, but it's expensive sleaze. And banning alcohol in one and two star hotels unfairly discriminates against the less successful or financially prudent. For now at least. It has been made clear that the same rules will apply to three and four star hotels in the near future, which essentially means as soon as the formula wahid circus has been and gone. 

Which leaves the five star hotels. Now, according to the all-wise Ministry, only rich people are allowed to drink. Poor and middle class people in Bahrain should either stay at home and shut up or go somewhere else. They aren't welcome here, not if they want to, y'know, socialize. We may need them to build our shiny, upcoming future kingdom, but we don't want them to have any fun while they're doing it. That'd be haram. 

These letters took many by surprise. The employees of bars, restaurants and whatever else have no idea whether or not they have jobs. During a recession no less. There is no recourse. No appeal. No explanation, other than that Bahrain wants more 'family tourism'.

In absence of warning, it's fair to assume that the majority of one and two star hotels face uphill struggles to avoid ruin. So the only family tourism that Bahrain cares about is rich family tourism. Families that can afford no more than one and two star hotels, well they're not welcome here. We don't take kindly to them folk. Why not be clear? It's not family tourism we care about, it's rich people. People with gold cards. People who are willing to shell out for the characterless luxury that Bahrain has to offer. Everyone else can go straight to hell. Cause we're Islamic 'n stuff, and poor people are, umm, haram?

It is a ridiculous situation. Last month the Parliament said they wanted all alcohol moved to hotels, and only hotels. Last week the Minister of Info-Cult said they wanted all alcohol out of hotels. What the hell? By utterly failing to regulate the 'tourism' industry in Bahrain we are left with absolutely nothing. The sad thing is, the one and two and three and four star hotels that are no longer allowed to serve booze or hire female 'singers' will still be the dens of immorality they always were. The whores will serve drinks in teapots in coffeeshops while the places that actually catered to the utterly bored expat population in the Kingdom fall by the wayside. 

It was my understanding that tourism was no longer under the control of the Ministry of Information and Culture. That's what we were told. We were promised an all-new tourism authority that actually knew stuff about tourism. Instead, in a blatant attempt at power grabbing, we've been subjected to the 'Minister knows best' doctrine that has failed us time and time again. 

What does this irrational behaviour do for the reputation of Bahrain? We've spent millions marketing ourselves as cosmopolitan and progressive in desperate attempts to divert people from our shinier, happier neighbours. And when the precious foreigners with fat wallets get here and consider buying those expensive, pointless high-rise properties in Juffair we turn around and tell them to piss off. What a brilliant way to dig ourselves out of a recession. The lack of thought is startling. Shouldn't something with consequences as far reaching as this have, y'know, a plan or something, or at the very least, a process?

The Bahrain of old is officially dead. This is the new Bahrain, where liberties and personal freedoms are damned in the name of subjective morality and 'family tourism'. The all new, elitist Bahrain, where friends of ministers can get as drunk as they like in overpriced five-star hotels while everyone else sits at home wondering why the hell they moved here in the first place. The 'improved' Bahrain, a place where progress is raped and hypocrisy is all the rage. The 'democratic' Bahrain, a place where common sense is discarded in favour of misplaced idealism; an island where religious, racial and class discrimination shape public policy. 

In our futile attempts to become the Monaco of the Middle East we've ended up more like the retarded offspring of North Korea and Texas. Everything anyone ever loved about this Kingdom is being destroyed systematically, but it's all okay, because we have Formula One. 

I hate the new Bahrain. And since I have an opinion, the new Bahrain obviously hates me too. 

STOP SHOUTING

If anyone was ever unfortunate enough to stumble upon the Kingdom of Bahrain's official news agency's website (www.bna.bh), they'd be forgiven for thinking Bahrain was a backward, angry country. Everything, every single bloody release, is IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Nothing is ever remotely interesting, let alone newsworthy, but every now and then a chunk of quoteworthy pointlessness emerges. 

Now is one of those times. As I attempted to trapse through this wonderful piece of journalistic awesomness my head started to pound and then I started to laugh. Here are some excerpts for your entertainment. The CAPS are theirs, the underlining and boldification is all mine. 

First, the intro (so you know what they be talkin 'bout):

MANAMA, APRIL 11 (BNA) UNDER THE PATRONAGE OF THE MINISTER OF CULTURE AND INFORMATION SHAIKHA MAI BINT MOHAMMED AL KHALIFA THE INTERNATIONAL FEDERATION FOR JOURNALISTS OFFICE IN BAHRAIN WAS OFFICIALLY OPENED.... Blah blah blah. (In capital letters, naturally).... 

And now, some o' the good stuff: 

SHAIKHA MAI IN HER ADDRESS AT THE EVENT PRAISED THE STEP ACHIEVED AFFIRMING THE STANDARD OF JOURNALISM AND THE DEMOCRATIC EXPRESSION  WITHIN THE ATMOSPHERE OF REFORM WHICH THE MINISTRY SUPPORTS THROUGH TRANSPARENCY AND ETHICAL PRINCIPLES. 

Translation: Ministry Awesome, Democracy Good. Hi five!

THE MINISTER ALSO EXPRESSED HER OPTIMISM RELATED TO FURTHER OPENING HORIZONS OF THE RIGHTS OF COMMUNICATION AND EXCHANGE OF INFORMATION AND THE DEMOCRACY OF MEDIA. SHE INDICATED THAT THEIR WAS A TRUE AND SERIOUS MOVE TO TREAT ISSUES THAT CRIPPLE THE FLOW OF EXCHANGE OR DISRUPT THE ETHICS OF THE PROFESSION. 

Translation: What censorship? Everything in our shiny Kingdom is hunky dory, and it's getting better. Honestly.

SHAIKHA MAI ALSO AFFIRMED THE MINISTRY'S PUSH TOWARDS FURTHER FREEDOM OF PRESS AS PART OF THE GENERAL FREEDOMS WHICH NEEDS EXPANSION AND GET RID OF ALL ADMINISTRATIVE AND LEGAL OBSTACLES TO PRACTICE THIS PROFESSION ON A STRONG BASIS....

Translation: Despite being as super-awesome as we currently are, we'll do our best to make ourselves even super-awesomer, even though we really dont have to. 

It goes on and on and on. Read more if you dare. My head hurts too much. 

 

The all new GDN web debacle

The self-congratulatory, utterly useless Gulf Daily News have reached new heights of idiocy with their new, supposedly improved website. First the links to their 'news' reports were broken. Then the site, likely disgusted with itself, committed suicide. 

Bravo morons. Bravo. 

Sin City

Did you know that Manama, the capital of our allegedly perfect Kingdom, came in at number 8 on a top ten list of sin cities compiled by that utterly pointless portal askmen.com last year?

The parliament, the elected guardians of righteousness that they are, were up in arms. Despite the fact that it was never reported in our local media. Al Arabiya covered it. But not the GDN. But we all know that the MP's, in their noble efforts to scour the Interweb for impropriety and their next holiday destination, stumbled upon this information in it's original context, right after checking out some celebrity bikini pics and just before logging into expedia to book their next getaway to Pattaya. (for research purposes, obvioulsy). 

Askmen.com was blocked for a while by our ministry of whatever the hell they call themselves today. Because, as we all know, asking men anything is likely to yield filthy, improper, regulation violating results. But then the unblocking fairy cast her magical wand and presto.

So what? We should be happy. Its free press. It might not be the type of press we need, but we didn't have to pay shedloads, like we typically do on CNN or wherever it is the EDB thinks we should advertise tomorrow. It's no worse than the press we get for being a culture of tyrannical censorship Nazis. It's definitely no worse than the press we get for trying to ban Alco-pork or whatever else the Parliament deems improper this week. 

And it should attract a few people to Bahrain, which is what we're going for, right? I mean, F1, the Spring of Culture, and ummm.. F1. They're all designed to make Bahrain more international. More tourist friendly. And ultimately, richer. Sin does that too, but more than just once a year. 

The islamist MPs have apparently demanded strict action against 'sinful activities'. According to Gulf News (because the GDN has better things to do than, y'know, actually report the news), one of the MP's has been quoted as spewing this little nugget of goodness: 

”We are shocked to know that Manama has been ranked eighth among [the] world’s top 10 ’sin cities’. It is a very sad situation for our country that prides itself on its political and human rights records because we wanted Bahrain to rank among the top countries in political, social or economic achievements. Now we need to tackle the issues of prostitution and other immoral activities that have vastly undermined our reputation,” one of the MP’s said.

'Now we need to tackle..." He says. Now. Yeah, because until a website that no-one really cares about told us about our little 'problem' it didn't exist. And only 'now' have 'prostitution and other immoral activities' emerged and 'vastly undermined our reputation'. 

What other immoral activities is this quoteworthy peer speaking of? Perhaps it's the collective litany of wrongdoing that everyone but him is guilty of. You all know the list. Alcohol is likely to be right at the top, and not because it begins with the letter A.

And what is this reputation of which he speaks? Bahrain, for as long as anyone can remember, has always been known for its sin (in fact, it's one of the Kingdom's oldest industries..). It's just not published on an pointless web portal. So this reputation is the reputation that has served Bahrain so well for so long. It's the reputation that makes people believe we are more tolerant. And above all, it's the reputation that drives a massive chunk of our tourism industry. We might not want the tourists to do the things they come here to do, but they come here to do it. At least we should be grateful for that, shouldn't we? 

No, I don't think we should. But what other tourist industry do we have? F1 is a race, not an industry. Weekend shoppers are weekend shoppers and nothing more. There is nothing, not one solid, year-round feature that serves to attract the loose-walleted liberals to our Kingdom whenever they see fit to get away. Nothing besides sin that is. 

So bitch and moan all you want. Prostitutes will be rounded up and shipped off, but more will arrive to replace them. Waste your pointless time on pointless endeavours because you aren't happy with an opinion on a website. To fix a problem as deeply institutionalised as prostitution, you'll need a plan. Not words. An actual plan. With words and pictures and graphs and stuff. If it's a compitition between sin and your sense of moral indignation, who'd you think will win Mr. MP?

It is a very sad situation for our country that prides itself on its political and human rights records...

Yup, it is a sad situation. We pat ourselves on the back as often as possible thanks to our political and human rights records, even though we don't deserve any praise. Political records? Are you serious? Yeah, we might have a parliament elected by the people, but what good have they managed to accomplish? Democracy in action is a string of nonsensical quotes followed by a great big holiday, and nothing more. And human rights? Yeah, we really pride ourselves on our human rights. Don't do, say or think anything that might be construed as immoral or you'll be damned, arrested, deported or all of the above. Don't use the Internet, phone or anything else for anything that might get you in trouble, because big baba is watching from way up high, somewhere in Isa Town. 

...because we wanted Bahrain to rank among the top countries in political, social or economic achievements.

Because we wanted Bahrain to rank among... Because we WANTED?!? Yeah, and I want a yacht. But I cant have a yacht because I cant afford a yacht. And I cant afford a yacht because I haven't earned enough to get a yacht. Wanting gets you nothing. So this is what MP's do all day... sit, eat and want. And when what they want doesn't happen, they complain. And then they wake up tomorrow and want something all over again. 

If you really want Bahrain to rank among the top countries in the laughably vague categories you speak of, do something to make it happen. Or better still, don't. Because everything you have ever done has ended in tears of laughter, groans of frustration or demonstrations of world-class stupidity. If you really want Bahrain to make it into the top ten lists you care about, stay home and shut up, or at the very least, take a few minutes out of your precious day to THINK.

Okay, I'll admit, I'm just ranting. If I had a point its been lost in the agitation. I hate the faux moral outrage. I hate the pretence of shock. I hate the fact that everything that is said by the people elected by the people makes me cringe or laugh. And I hate that they think that they can fix things by whining and nothing more. Is this really the best we can do?