The all new GDN web debacle

The self-congratulatory, utterly useless Gulf Daily News have reached new heights of idiocy with their new, supposedly improved website. First the links to their 'news' reports were broken. Then the site, likely disgusted with itself, committed suicide. 

Bravo morons. Bravo. 

Sin City

Did you know that Manama, the capital of our allegedly perfect Kingdom, came in at number 8 on a top ten list of sin cities compiled by that utterly pointless portal askmen.com last year?

The parliament, the elected guardians of righteousness that they are, were up in arms. Despite the fact that it was never reported in our local media. Al Arabiya covered it. But not the GDN. But we all know that the MP's, in their noble efforts to scour the Interweb for impropriety and their next holiday destination, stumbled upon this information in it's original context, right after checking out some celebrity bikini pics and just before logging into expedia to book their next getaway to Pattaya. (for research purposes, obvioulsy). 

Askmen.com was blocked for a while by our ministry of whatever the hell they call themselves today. Because, as we all know, asking men anything is likely to yield filthy, improper, regulation violating results. But then the unblocking fairy cast her magical wand and presto.

So what? We should be happy. Its free press. It might not be the type of press we need, but we didn't have to pay shedloads, like we typically do on CNN or wherever it is the EDB thinks we should advertise tomorrow. It's no worse than the press we get for being a culture of tyrannical censorship Nazis. It's definitely no worse than the press we get for trying to ban Alco-pork or whatever else the Parliament deems improper this week. 

And it should attract a few people to Bahrain, which is what we're going for, right? I mean, F1, the Spring of Culture, and ummm.. F1. They're all designed to make Bahrain more international. More tourist friendly. And ultimately, richer. Sin does that too, but more than just once a year. 

The islamist MPs have apparently demanded strict action against 'sinful activities'. According to Gulf News (because the GDN has better things to do than, y'know, actually report the news), one of the MP's has been quoted as spewing this little nugget of goodness: 

”We are shocked to know that Manama has been ranked eighth among [the] world’s top 10 ’sin cities’. It is a very sad situation for our country that prides itself on its political and human rights records because we wanted Bahrain to rank among the top countries in political, social or economic achievements. Now we need to tackle the issues of prostitution and other immoral activities that have vastly undermined our reputation,” one of the MP’s said.

'Now we need to tackle..." He says. Now. Yeah, because until a website that no-one really cares about told us about our little 'problem' it didn't exist. And only 'now' have 'prostitution and other immoral activities' emerged and 'vastly undermined our reputation'. 

What other immoral activities is this quoteworthy peer speaking of? Perhaps it's the collective litany of wrongdoing that everyone but him is guilty of. You all know the list. Alcohol is likely to be right at the top, and not because it begins with the letter A.

And what is this reputation of which he speaks? Bahrain, for as long as anyone can remember, has always been known for its sin (in fact, it's one of the Kingdom's oldest industries..). It's just not published on an pointless web portal. So this reputation is the reputation that has served Bahrain so well for so long. It's the reputation that makes people believe we are more tolerant. And above all, it's the reputation that drives a massive chunk of our tourism industry. We might not want the tourists to do the things they come here to do, but they come here to do it. At least we should be grateful for that, shouldn't we? 

No, I don't think we should. But what other tourist industry do we have? F1 is a race, not an industry. Weekend shoppers are weekend shoppers and nothing more. There is nothing, not one solid, year-round feature that serves to attract the loose-walleted liberals to our Kingdom whenever they see fit to get away. Nothing besides sin that is. 

So bitch and moan all you want. Prostitutes will be rounded up and shipped off, but more will arrive to replace them. Waste your pointless time on pointless endeavours because you aren't happy with an opinion on a website. To fix a problem as deeply institutionalised as prostitution, you'll need a plan. Not words. An actual plan. With words and pictures and graphs and stuff. If it's a compitition between sin and your sense of moral indignation, who'd you think will win Mr. MP?

It is a very sad situation for our country that prides itself on its political and human rights records...

Yup, it is a sad situation. We pat ourselves on the back as often as possible thanks to our political and human rights records, even though we don't deserve any praise. Political records? Are you serious? Yeah, we might have a parliament elected by the people, but what good have they managed to accomplish? Democracy in action is a string of nonsensical quotes followed by a great big holiday, and nothing more. And human rights? Yeah, we really pride ourselves on our human rights. Don't do, say or think anything that might be construed as immoral or you'll be damned, arrested, deported or all of the above. Don't use the Internet, phone or anything else for anything that might get you in trouble, because big baba is watching from way up high, somewhere in Isa Town. 

...because we wanted Bahrain to rank among the top countries in political, social or economic achievements.

Because we wanted Bahrain to rank among... Because we WANTED?!? Yeah, and I want a yacht. But I cant have a yacht because I cant afford a yacht. And I cant afford a yacht because I haven't earned enough to get a yacht. Wanting gets you nothing. So this is what MP's do all day... sit, eat and want. And when what they want doesn't happen, they complain. And then they wake up tomorrow and want something all over again. 

If you really want Bahrain to rank among the top countries in the laughably vague categories you speak of, do something to make it happen. Or better still, don't. Because everything you have ever done has ended in tears of laughter, groans of frustration or demonstrations of world-class stupidity. If you really want Bahrain to make it into the top ten lists you care about, stay home and shut up, or at the very least, take a few minutes out of your precious day to THINK.

Okay, I'll admit, I'm just ranting. If I had a point its been lost in the agitation. I hate the faux moral outrage. I hate the pretence of shock. I hate the fact that everything that is said by the people elected by the people makes me cringe or laugh. And I hate that they think that they can fix things by whining and nothing more. Is this really the best we can do?

The mother of all sins...

It's that time of the year again. When the all-knowing, ultra-wise parliamentarians get together and decide, again, that the evilest evil of them all should be destroyed. Alcohol. 

In the next few days, parliament are going to get together to vote on whether alcohol should be banned in all of the Kingdom's restaurants that are not located in hotels. And vote they will, almost certainly in favour of the pointless ban. 

The current proposal stems from a relatively recent proposal to ban alcohol in Um Al Hassam, because, allegedly, customers of licensed restaurants were getting drunk and disturbing families in the area. Actually, as I recall it, some MP or another said that people were getting drunk and would, y'know, go about trying to get into houses, and y'know, fall asleep on other people’s couches, 'n stuff. But luckily it hadn’t happened yet, cause them residents were clever enough to, y'know, lock their doors. But it COULD happen. 

Hah.

But, not content with merely limiting choice, they want to destroy it altogether. The initial proposal was extended by a rather brainless bunch of muppets known collectively as 'the Parliament Services Committee'. 

"They (MPs on the committee) said banning alcohol in one area wouldn't solve the problem as it is being served in restaurants across the country," ... "Committee members have decided to generalise it, saying alcohol was the problem and banning it in Umm Al Hassam wouldn't address the core problem - as customers would shift to other places, making the ban pointless."

Now there are numerous problems with this statement. First of all, the initial proposal was made on the basis that alcohol being served in predominantly residential areas was likely to disturb the residents. There was nothing to back it up- no actual statements, testimony or incidents, but at least there was an inkling.. a mere hint of an actual argument. But then they expanded their 'argument'. Now alcohol is bad, unless of course it is being served in one of the many whore-infested dives that are known as 'hotels'. 

Generalising is not something MPs should be doing. The god that they are so determined to keep happy is in the details. To generalise is to reduce to a general form. Lump it all into one category. Pack it all up in one box. The 'evil' box. 

I can generalise too. Arabs are terrorists. Yup, you heard me. Now let me give you a leg up to that high, high horse you managed to acquire thanks to your hefty parliamentary allowance. It's not nice when others generalise, so why do it yourselves? The only cause you further is ignorance. Petrol has alcohol in it. Should we ban that too? Make all petrol stations relocate to hotel car parks. It sounds idiotic, but it is a generalisation. 

How much time is wasted on such pointless endeavours? On April 29th of last year MPs "unanimously demanded a total ban on alcohol in Bahrain. They voted in favour of a parliament-proposed law banning the import, possession, sale or production of alcohol."

But to become law, the proposal would have to be accepted by the government and the Shura Council. It wasn’t. Why? Because the ban would have far reaching economic effects; Effects far to complex for the pure parliamentary minds to comprehend. The ‘argument’ then was pretty flimsy too-

"Whether they are producers, drinkers, distributors, sellers and those who eat from its money are all damned by God,"... "Alcohol is the biggest sin, the mother of all sins."

Harsh. I reckon they should send out letters to everyone involved in the alcohol industry in the Kingdom, informing them of the impending damnation of themselves and their families.  

What about personal freedom? Just the other day Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman was touting the value of personal freedom, albeit in relation to a completely different matter.

"It is like (the government is) entering your home without your permission to see what you are doing with your family. This is against Islam. Everyone has the right to personal freedom."

So now it seems personal freedom is subjective too. You are free to do what they feel you should be free to do, but do anything else and you’ll be damned, and so will your children. If the violation of personal freedom is against Islam, then surely telling a non-muslim that he is not allowed to enjoy a glass of wine with his overpriced meal is against Islam too.

Generalise with caution. Taking away the personal freedoms of others while whining about your own personal freedoms is hypocritical, selfish and intolerant – and I would assume, un-Islamic.

Everyone has the right to personal freedom. These are the words of our great, wise, all-knowing, enlightened, overpaid elected peers. These are the words to which we should hold them accountable. 

Now, who wants a beer?

Censorship 2.0

Y'know how everyone is up in arms about the whole ridiculous Internet censorship thing? Well, from what I hear, they want to take it a step further. A source at a large, national, telecommunications company that has a really bad advertising campaign promoting broadband (and begins with the letter B) recently informed me that the Ministry of Disinformation has requested...wait for it... an assessment of the feasibility of blocking the torrent protocol.

Yup. That's right. Torrents. They want to take away our torrents now. Bastards.

Whether or not they'll succeed depends on a few things, but I doubt Batelco and the other telecoms would oblige. They would be raping their revenue streams. Who the hell would consider paying 60 bloody dinars for a measly 25GB of bandwidth that they WOULD'NT BE ABLE TO USE?

And it gets worse. Much worse. According to another source, the Ministry is now allegedly in the process of acquiring a new, rather expensive ($150K+) system to filter content on Youtube. Unlike the torrent blocking feasibility study, this is (allegedly) going ahead full steam. Soon, the Ministry will tell you what non-pornographic, already monitored, homemade content you may or may not be able to view. 

This is ridiculous. Pathetic. Primitive. Pointless. Retarded. Ignorant.  Youtube is the world's biggest forum for self-expression. It nurtures creativity. It teaches. It entertains. Surely this is what the Ministry of Culture should be doing? 

The Ministry is using a system that is typically used by corporations to limit employees' online access in an effort to protect productivity. Blue Coat is its name. They spent a fair chunk of cash getting it, and allegedly, requested the system by name. So, it stands to reason that the Ministry believes we all work for them. In effect, they think they own us. And they are unhappy with how much time we spend doing 'frivolous' things. This is not how a democracy works. This is draconian, totalitarianist, dictatorial behaviour. 

We should be ashamed, outraged and above all, vocal. Complain as much as you can, to whoever is willing to listen. Write letters, post blogs, tell friends, distribute fliers, shout it from rooftops... A concerted effort to get our Kingdom's pointless attempt to control the minds of the population recognised in international media is needed. Yes, we may be giving Bahrain a bad name, but in doing so, we may also be able to prevent it from becoming a complete joke. Complain while you can. Soon, all forms of opinion will be BLOCKED FOR VIOLATING REGULATIONS AND LAWS OF THE KINGDOM OF BAHRAIN. 

Futurists and the media

They broke our Internet, but still not content with their new-fangled brilliance, the already stale ministry of cultural disinformation has set about fixing Bahrain's TV and Radio. Or so they say. 

Fixing stuff is good, especially when the stuff in question is as antiquated as Bahrain TV and Radio. Bahrain's mass media has been sub third-world forever, because, surprise, it is completely run from within a Ministry. No matter how good their intentions are, it is, and will remain, a civil service. And, as everyone knows, nothing smells more of bureaucracy than a civil service. 

So forgive me for being sceptical. I live in hope of a new, competitive, free and objective media in Bahrain, but I will not hold my breath. Instead, I expect, rather pessimistically, that the national media will get a facelift. It will look 21st centuryish. It may even feel modern. But for the media to change, a fundamental shift in the structure of our media is necessary. 

Unfortunately, such a shift seems unlikely. According to the one and only GDN, "Vaheed Associate Brand Future company... was tasked with overhauling the establishment in a nine- to 18-month period" First of all, I would like to point out that the company in question is actually called Vahid associates, a Bahrain-based self-described 'brand futurist'. A brief visit to their website (http://www.vahidassociates.com) doesn't really tell us much more. In fact, it is alarmingly amateur in many regards- from the overly abundant use of flash to the startling lack of actual information on display (the portfolio and news sections of their site are 'coming soon', despite the site dating back to 2006), one cannot help but conclude that the choice of company reflects the intentions of the Ministry. Image is apparently more important than substance. 

It gets better. The BRTC have "signed a six-month contract with renowned Monte Carlo presenter Huyam Hmoy". You've probably never heard of her. I certainly haven't. And neither has Google. Not one result. Not a single hit. Nothing. Some justification would be nice when bandying about terms like 'renowned'. Surely a famous TV presenter would exist somewhere in the world of the great wide web. At least give us some more information- you are, after all, the Ministry of Culture and Information. 

No talk about the development of Radio, aside from KFH shelling out for the redevelopment of the Holy Quran radio channel. Perhaps they believe that Radio Bahrain is perfect, and are adopting an 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' approach. Hah.

So, here we have an announcement from the Ministry of culture and Information, about redeveloping the media, reported in Bahrain's incredibly shallow media outlet of choice, that contains NO REAL INFORMATION. Should this be taken as an example of how our media is to develop? Were any questions asked before publishing the story in the oracle that is the GDN? Was any research done? They couldn't even spell the name of the company that was hired to carry out the alleged redevelopment, much less provide us with a nugget or two of insight. 

Qatar has Al Jazeera, the Emirates have Al Arabiya and Bahrain has... Bahrain TV. Does anyone even watch Bahrain TV? The middle east, Bahrain included, has one of the highest penetration rates of Satellite TV in the world. Everyone has either Showtime, Orbit or more likely, Dreambox- which gives them access to almost every other channel in the entire world. How can they be expected to tune into BTV when the competition is that fierce? Making it shinier wont encourage people to watch it. Making it worth watching might. 

Here's a suggestion. Dispose of every last bit of international programming. Develop BTV into a channel or two that only airs Bahraini and regionally produced television. Use the money you aren't paying for Fresh Prince and other decades-old sitcoms to develop a channel that can compete with the other regional players. Nurture a new, creative generation of Bahraini media and commit to turning Bahrain, the 'Freest economy in the region', into a place where media is respected, not just tolerated. 

And for the love of God, put Radio Bahrain down. Surely letting something as trivial, incompetent and amateurish exist is cruel. Kill it now and start it from scratch. Please. 

Violate This

So by now you know that Bahrain thinks the only way to learn them plebs 'bout morality is to censor the hell out of the Internet. Apparently, every second site in the great wide web is guilty of 'violating the regulations and laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. 

First it was Google Translate, which by the way, IS STILL BLOCKED. Because translating stuff is bad, mmmkay. If you translate, you understand. If you understand, you learn. And we're not allowed to learn now, are we?

The complaints persist. Tech forums are bad, because you can, y'know, learn about technology and get a step ahead of them censorship Nazis. Art forums are bad, because art is like, y'know, porn. Fashion sites are bad, because fashion is like, well, manikins, which we all know pervy boys like to drool over. Gambing is obviously evil, and nothing whatsoever like purchasing a fifty dinar raffle ticket in Bahrain Duty Free. Politics is bad, because it's opinionated and political 'n stuff. 

And now, the I Cant Believe They're So Stupid award of the week goes once again to the Ministry of Culture and Information. Why? 

Because, even though they have not blocked the overused, timedestroying social network that is Facebook, should you try to do something stupid like deactivate your account, you cant. Seriously. It is apparently fine to do a little online social networking, but it is ILLEGAL to close your account. That's right... if you are fed up with Facebook, tough shit. Closing your account 'violates the regulations and laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. Wait.. no... as I write this I tried once again to deactivate the diseased Facebook and it worked. Damn. I'll have to find something else to complain about. 

Lets go back to Google Translate. Yeah, I know... everyone knows that Google Translate is blocked. But WHY IS IT STILL BLOCKED? Either the Ministry has a financial stake in Berlitz or they are terminally retarded. How can they possibly justify Google Translate being blocked for over a month? Maybe there is a word, a secret word, that when translated will bring about the apocalypse. A secret Bahraini word. A word that only we know. And by blocking Google Translate - that evil Internet oracle that translates everything (bad words included) - the Ministry is saving humanity. 

If only we could figure out a way to turn ignorance into energy. We could save the world. All it would take is one little ignorance converter in one pointless Ministry. But who would build such a device? Not us, because as we all know, tekkie stuff is guilty of 'violating the regulations and laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain'.

Which brings us the the SITE BLOCKED screen of doom. They used to tell us what laws were being violated, but unfortunately, people can read. And when those damn literate people discovered that their legal argument was farcical, the almighty Ministry decided to do what they do best... censor. They censored themselves. Idiots. 

But what exactly are these 'regulations' of which they speak? Bahrain has regulations? Nobody told me. I know there are regulations in the financial sector and the telecommunication sector and wherever else, but the Kingdom of Bahrain, as a whole, has regulations? I would very much like to see a copy of the Official Regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain. How entertaining that'd be... 

What next? Terms and conditions? Waivers? 

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Ministry bad. Proxies good.

Alrighty. So you are pissed off with Batelco and the Ministry of Disinformation, Truth, Culture and Censorship, or whatever they are calling themselves these days. 

First of all, don't just accept it. Complain. Write letters. Scream. Sign petitions. Scream louder. Complain more. 

And then, when your vocal cords are suitably painful, bypass the stupid pointless censorship. 

How? It's simple. 

Download something called Hotspot. The Ministryites know about it but you can get it from a number of mirrored sites. Be slightly patient, and it shall appear. There is a downside... it is slow. Yes, slow. Slower than the pathetic stone age speeds that BaZainCom call Internet. Still, there is no 'site blocked' nonsense, no blood pressure spikes and no broken computer monitors to contend with. 

Another alternative is Ultrasurf. Again, you will have to do a little looking, but not much. Install, follow instructions and PRESTO... no 'site blocked' headaches. Unfortunately, Untrasurf, while not as slow as Hotspot, doesn't allow access to a bunch of sites, for reasons I cant be bothered to explore. 

But not to worry. You see, while these applications help get around the annoyingness, their single best use is to access the lists and lists and lists of brand spanking new Proxies that nice people from all over the globe upload on a daily basis. Find a new proxy from a list of many, shove it into your browser and be on your way. It may take a few attempts, and the proxy that works for you may only last a day or two at the outside, but it works. 

Better still, visit a proxy group on Yahoo or Google or somewhere. Many of them have email lists... which means you can get a list of brand new proxies in your inbox every single day. I could give you all step by step instructions, but I am far too lazy. 

Be free. Be anonymous. But never, EVER stop complaining.