Cineco-mplete Fools.

As one of the largest Cinema companies in the region, one would expect Cineco to, y'know, do something right. Hah!

Lets start with their 'website'. Pathetic. An utter farce. They have nothing that resembles useful information except the showtimes, all presented in the nastiest possible layout. Then we have the cinemas themselves. Mucky, filled with degenerate scum who insist on having loud mobile conversations with people who would seem to be in the very same theatre. And their concession stands... Popcorn, warm cola and if you are brave enough, the dodgiest nachos in the history of existence, all for a rather steep price. 

All of which may be acceptable, if they played a half decent movie once in a while. As I write this, I understand, courtesy of the Bahraincinema.com webdebacle, that their new releases are: Crossing Over - a pointless drama that wants to be like that Crash movie, starring the has-been of the century Harrison Indy Jones Ford; and, get this... My Mom's New Boyfriend. Yes, that's right- My Mom's New Boyfriend. While it may have stars of relative merit including Antonio Desperado Banderas and Meg Sleepless Ryan, both of the online reviews for this unreleased joke are beyond negative. Yes, that's right.. both. TWO. In the world of the mighty Internet, only TWO people decided to weigh in on the awfulness that Bahrain Cinema blesses us with. Here is a quote from the first of the two reviews: "My Mom's New Boyfriend essentially comes off as an unmitigated disaster virtually from its opening frames."

It was never released on cinema anywhere else. But here, they make it look like a treat. Ingrates. 

Yeah, so Crossing Over, the going-to-be flop, was released, according to the GDN, simultaneoulsy with the US. Woo fecking hooo. Who cares? That a film I never heard about and common consensus indicates is festering tripe is released at the same time as the US of A does not make me suddenly want to watch it. 

Argghhh..

But then, when they decide to play a movie of merit.. one of the vague few times I consider gracing the big screen with my presence... they cut the hell out of it. Literally. Everything. Whether it was offensive or not. Whether it was integral to the storyline or not. Whatever they feel like chopping out, they chop out. 

But that doesn't stop them. They keep multiplying. Like a plague. The Bahrain City Center will be home to the biggest cinema in the region, with a whopping 20 screens to screen censored pointlessness for a hefty chunk of change. And that's not all... We also get a VIP cinema. Yes, because as we know, important people like to watch bad movies too. The list goes on... according to the illegible press releases, the new cinema will house a 'reputable coffee house franchise' (my bet is on McCosta), 'variety of snacks' (popcorn), 'munches like crepes' (uhh.. crepes) and who knows what else.

Which brings me to one of my favourite tales of stupidity in recent months: The new BCC cinema 20 screen thing was supposed to be open when the mall opened way back in September of last year. But they had a problem. They built the theatres, installed the screens and did everything else you are supposed to do when opening a new cinema. Except for one thing... They forgot to install sound insulation. Seriously. 20 screens with state-of-the-art electronics and superduper sounds systems, but no insulation. So they had to rip the walls out and start again. Seriously. Supersized stupidity in a bucket of heavily salted (or sweetened) dumb. Would you like a coke with that?

Cineco, with their big spending and pointless excess seem to be forgetting one crucial detail (aside from intelligence of course)- movies. Find some good movies. Soon they will have 20 more screens for our mindlessly bored eyes to gaze upon, but how many people are going to go out of their way to watch 'My Mom's New Boyfriend'?

Gulf Daily Idiots

Shaikh Salman was interviewed on Sky News yesterdayish. 

In the Gulf Daily News the headline reads: 

Bahrain defies global slowdown as safe investor haven

On the Sky News website its a different story altogether:

Crown Prince Of Bahrain: 'UK Too Pro-Israeli'

The GDN does not even mention the 'UK Too Pro-Israeli' comments. Sky News does not mention anything about the 'safe investor haven' stuff. And it was the same interview. 

Now, being Sky News, I would expect nothing less. They are propagandists of the worst kind, Murdochian fear-mongers that have nothing better to do than try to turn anything into a scandal. As for the GDN- well, they are not news. They have never been news. They are a bunch of press releases, some event coverage, celebrity gossip and an overflow of stupid advertising, much of which comes from Hilal Group subsidiaries. The headline reads like the pointless quasi-propaganda that it is. A better headline would be "What Crisis?"

So, unless you actually watched the interview, its unlikely you'll ever know what the Crown Prince was really talking about. Why would the GDN not talk about his admirably brave comments? Surely its newsworthy? In fact, I'd go as far as to say that his unreported comments are more newsworthy - particularly from a local viewpoint - than anything else published by them in the last week (possibly even month). Are they cowardly or just stupid? I think both. 

Ahh.. the hypocrisy.

On one hand they censor our media, attempt to ban our alcohol, discuss arresting people for eating or possessing pork and spew ignorance at a bored national media who have no choice but to report it.  On the other hand we have the Spring of Culture, Formula One, Exhibition bloody road and god knows what else. 

Welcome to Bahrain. 

These two worlds will collide. When they do, what will happen is anyone's guess. Imagine promoting the F1 to the world, trying to convince those who care that Bahrain's race is better than the newer, shinier Abu Dhabi race. People can fly here on our possibly alcohol-free excuse for a national carrier, and they can get a visa online so they don't have to queue. But while here they may or may not be able to drink. And they may or may not be able to eat pork. They may or may not be able to access their online media of choice. And who knows what else they may or may not be able to do. But, y'know, don't worry... Exhibition road will be just as pervy and disease ridden as ever. 

And then we have the Spring of Culture. Personally, I have an issue or twelve with the festival, but it is hard to condemn. Yet perhaps we should condemn it. We should consider boycotting it. Why? Because the powers that be, those responsible for the Spring of Culture, are the same powers that have decided to take it upon themselves to police the Kingdom's morality. They are the same people who censor our internet and tell us what we are allowed to think. (Did you know that now, when trying to access links from your Facebook inbox, you get the new, shorter SITE BLOCKED nonsense. Even if the Facebook link is to google.com, or even Bahrain's very own E-Government.)

Culture and censorship do not mix- sort of like oil and water, but, y'know, more ideological. Yet here we have a situation where the big boss of culture and the censorship czar are one and the same. The persons who attempt to broaden horizons, educate and enrich are the very same villains that seek to deprive us of free speech, opinion, personal choice and whatever else they deem 'illicit' or 'immoral'. If that isn't hypocrisy, what is? 

Bahrain cannot be cosmopolitan AND conservative, progressive AND primitive, cultural AND censored. It doesn't work that way. Pick a side and stick to it. Bahrain, like many of it's people is about image. Without image we are just a dusty island in the middle of Arabia. We try to market ourselves to the world -- encouraging professionals to seek careers and invest in property, begging tourists to give us their hard-earned cash, hoping big multinational corporations pick us to be their regional base -- yet the smallest bit of press about banning alcohol, pork or free media will be remembered long after the Business Friendly Bahrain ads and talk of Golden Smiles have come and gone. Business Friendly Bahrain it might be, logic friendly it certainly isn't. 

 

Just Ban It

Just Ban It... The new slogan for the Kingdom of Bahrain?

 Our 'parliament', in their infinite wisdom, have decided that they can best serve society by banning everything and anything that they disagree with, for reasons that they clearly invent. 

 Alcohol on Gulf Air? Ban It. Why? This is a good time for a quote from one of our elected peers...

 "Bahrain is a Muslim country, so why would we serve alcohol to customers?" ... "The money spent on alcohol should be put to better use. Most of the Muslim staff feel ashamed to serve alcohol."

 Deep. What a solid reason. Economically sound, well researched and morally dignified. Not. What utterly ridiculous bullshit. Yes, Bahrain is a Muslim country, but it is a Muslim country that has built its reputation on its cosmopolitan lifestyle and (somewhat partial) lack of stupid judgementalism. Furthermore, Gulf Air, while officially the national carrier of Bahrain, doesn't just fly people to and from Bahrain. In these times of economic woe, and with the Golden Falcon losing what few feathers it has left, lets alienate the few customers Gulf Scare are struggling to sell themselves to by turning it into a mosque in the sky. Next up: Segregation with Wings. 

 "Most of the Muslim staff feel ashamed to serve alcohol"

 Really? REALLY? First of all... how many of the cabin crew (sky waiters & waitresses) are Muslim. Secondly... of those Muslim cabin crew, how many are practicing, devout, will-be- offended-by-doing-their-job-that-puts-food-on-the-table-and-gives-them-a-place-to-live type Muslims. Maybe two?

 Would those Muslim staff (all both of them) feel better if they were out of work? Would they be more spiritually sound after being made redundant thanks to dovetailing bookings courtesy of 'democracy'? Did they not know, when applying for and training for the position of Cabin Crew, that they would be serving alcohol? Yes, they did. Did they object then?

 If parliament want to be able to dictate policy to a corporation worth hundreds of millions of some type of currency, do some research first. Read something. Get a professional to do a study of how it would affect bookings. Do something for the love of god. Don't just invent a reason and then get on your high horse. Don't you have better things to do?

 Obviously not. 

 So, Airplane alcohol bad. Up next, Airport alcohol. Surprised? Here are some more wise words from the elected dimwits: 

 "We have received a lot of complaints, especially from women, who are being forced to serve drunken men at bars and lounges and others are complaining that they are being forced to sell alcohol at the Duty Free, despite the management knowing they are Muslims"

 Whatever. First of all, how many bars are there in Bahrain's airport. One. And last time i was there, which was not long ago, there was a solitary male staffer. And he was from the subcontinent. As for the lounges... they employ the staffers of their respective airlines. Staff who, for the most part, spend their downtime in Bahrain's bland, booze-filled nightspots. Staff who, if they had serious concerns, would complain to their employers or unions and not to their all-knowing parliament. And FORCED? Has anyone ever seen a supervisor holding a knife to a Muslim serving person... "either you give that bloke his whiskey or I'll knife you." Yeah, right. Where are all of these complaints you claim to have received oh great wise parliament? Did they come to you in you sleep perhaps? Maybe they are voices in your head. 

 Yes, duty free does sell alcohol. And yes, there are a good deal of Muslim checkout staff swiping bottles of anything and everything to happy departees. But they are not selling the alcohol. They are processing the transaction. The transaction that, in absence of said alcohol, would not require checkout staff. I seriously doubt legions of Duty Free workers are lining up to make themselves redundant. 

 Next up... PORK. 

 "The first thing Jesus Christ - the saviour of all mankind - would do is break the cross and kill the pig," Wow. This is some deep stuff. And he goes on."The reasons for killing the pig are many, but recent studies have found that pork has a huge negative impact on people's health - among other complications."... "Pig products, or pork, should be kept away from our markets because it is clear they are harmful and have no other benefit."

 Recent studies? Citations needed. Other complications? Citations please. And the whole thing with Jesus? Speculation I would assume, unless you have some awesome future-telling time-travel resurrection device. 

 Just picture it. Jesus Christ returns. Not to save humanity from itself. Not to right wrongs and do all his good Jesusly deeds. No, he's back to kill them pigs. Maybe he's hungry. Perhaps he can turn water into wine to wash down some of that tasty swine? No, he'd probably end up in jail for that. 

 I've had enough. Democracy, at least in this country, is looking more and more like a failed experiment. 

 

 

McCosta McCoffee

Once upon a time coffee shops in Bahrain had character. And then came Costa, courtesy of the Jawad Group. Some people rejoiced. Standardised coffee was more commonplace, and coffee started to be the in thing. Social events? Naahh.. lets go to Costa. Meetings? Costa. Lunch? Costa.

And Costa started to spread. One branch turned into three. And then ten. And now we have more than twentysomething branches of the worlds most boring coffee outlet. All serving the same overpriced nonsense. All with varying standards. All ridiculously understaffed and terribly bland. 

Everywhere you go, Costa Coffee lurks ominously on a corner. Three branches (and counting) at the Seef Mall. At least another three in the airport. Adliya, Yateem Centre, Almoayyed Tower, BCC, Aali Mall, Sanad, Nwaidrat, Diplomatic Area, Riffa, Dana Mall and just about everywhere else. There are more branches of Costa bloody coffee than there are post offices. It's a plague. 

The prices keep going up and the product keeps slipping, but people keep swarming to these fastfoodesque pits of coffee hell. Why? It cant possibly be because of the product. Their 'coffee' routinely tastes like warm muck and costs more than a decent meal. It's definitely not for the ambiance- most branches are kitted with horrible furniture, one newspaper, broken airconditioners and piles and piles of brochures. Ricky Martin or Spice Girls CDs play over and over again in the background, agitating everyone except the self-centered staff. Service? Not a chance. 

As consumers we should demand more. Exercise choice. Not encourage the predatory behaviour that the Jawad people have learnt from western 'specialists'. They won't be happy until every other coffee outlet is dead and buried. And then the standards will slip even further, the prices will continue to climb and the staff will start cursing at every customer who dares venture through the door. Espresso will turn into Instant Coffee. Pastries will turn into chewy mud. Orange Juice will be replaced with Tang, or more likely, a Tesco's generic equivalent. 

There are alternatives. Not Starbucks- you may as well hand your cash to Israel. Real alternatives. Go to La Ventana. Or even New York Coffee. Buy an espresso machine- they cost nothing and make far superior coffee. Encourage local businesses and small startups by giving them your custom. Stop shelling out for horrible overpriced goop and teach the McJawads a McLesson. Then they might McLearn.