Obstinate Morons

Parliament are at it again. Still unhappy despite the shockingly primitive and biased way with which our Ministries dealt with alcohol in the hotel industry, Parliament are now calling for 'a blanket ban on public sales of alcohol at Bahrain's hotels, restaurants, clubs and off-licenses'. 

They tried the same thing last year, to no avail. But this year it's different, because they've thrown in a concession or two. This time around, they're nice enough to allow those who want to consume alcohol to consume it, in the privacy of their own homes, thanks to the marvel that is home delivery. Oh, and guests in hotels would be allowed to get hammered in their rooms, but nowhere else. And since being drunk in public is a supposed crime, tourists would have an awesome time watching TV, looking out the window and surfing our extraordinarily restricted Internet. 

This new go round was proposed by Parliaments legislative and legal affairs committee vice-chairman because 'It is the main reason behind unclean tourism and the consequences the country is facing from increased crime.' Okay, but since you are so gosh darn certain, surely a few facts, figures or even interesting sketches would help support your claims. If it is the 'main reason' as you stipulate, I want proof. I demand proof. Your word is worth about as much to me as the McDonald's coupons you used to get on the back of a cinema ticket, and I hate McDonald's.

And then it gets better. Parliament financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman spewed his two cents: 'We don't want this unclean money, even if the government claims that it is benefiting the economy.' Choice words coming from the the financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman - someone who is supposed to, y'know, sort our economic and financial problems, not make them worse. May I be so bold as to ask what your qualifications are, Mr. vice-chairman? Economic and financial qualifications that is, as I care not about your level 9 devotion to the lord. Would you be so kind as to demonstrate how much money is generated from alcohol and the hospitality industry, and then present us with your fantastic plan to nullify the net loss incurred by obliterating these industries? How do you propose to appease the thousands of Bahrainis who will inevitably find themselves jobless due to your irresponsible certainty? 

And then, the icing on the cake of insolence and the nail in the coffin of common sense was generously provided by Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman: 'We will accept failure in the economy if alcohol is banned, since we have taken the decision. The call is ours and we will handle the consequences.' 

Talk about a power trip. First of all, this bloke is on the foreign affairs, defence and national security committee. While it is far too broad a mandate to be of any real-world use and likely just a nice line to throw onto his shiny business cards, he is responsible for foreign affairs. Do tell us how this blanket ban would affect Bahrain's relationship with the western world? How would it affect our image? How would you plan to fill the vacancies left when scores of professional, specialised westerners fled in disgust? 

Consequences. They speak of consequences, obviously aware they will arise. But how could anyone with a hint of brain matter be comfortable allowing these rejects from the Muppet show to deal with such 'consequences'. I for one am terrified. 

It would go something like this: 

Brain Drain? Not a problem. I have a cousin who would like to be a senior engineer specialised in whatever the hell it was that guy who went to Saudi for twelve times more cash was doing. Also, you know, Bahrainis should be getting this very highly paid, specialised jobs. In fact, I have several brothers who would be very good managing offshore banks, because they are good with money and have nice cars, even a Mercedes.

Unemployment? No, no, no. They will all be happy when they are not forced to do the devils work. Happier in their souls. So what if they cannot feed their children? Dying of hunger is much better than eating food prepared by the devil.  And when they all die, then there will be less need for jobs, no? So god will solve this problem that you call 'unemployment', inshallah.

Tourism? As we have specified on numerous occasions, we are only interested in family tourism. You know, rich families who want to spend lots of money in our shops. In fact, I have several outlets of my own, catering exclusively to stupid rich people and their children. Families are easier to rip off. Also, we don't want people who come to Bahrain to have fun, especially if they are not rich, because if that happens, they will come back, possibly even with friends. This would be bad, because people who like to enjoy themselves and do not have lots of money are clearly working for the devil. Also, we have Formula One, so once a year we can milk tourists for all they're worth. What more do we need?

Right to personal freedom? Yes, we may have specified that everyone has a right to personal freedom, but by everyone, we meant MPs. And by personal freedom, we meant the right to browse the world of porn without anyone finding out. We did not mean that normal people should have rights, because then how would we be better than them? 

I live in hope that the cabinet, who have to approve this proposal before it becomes law, will discard it as they have done previously. And if they do, will someone please tell these MPs to get over themselves and actually do something that might possibly help Bahrain. Please? Sort out something that you'd be hard pressed to make worse, like traffic. Or why not form a choir? At least that would be amusing in a less frightening way. How about MP smackdown? You could televise it, franchise it and make some cash with which to offset the net losses to the economy that you so willingly pursue. Or perhaps you should all go on holiday, again. The further away you all are, the less harm to common sense we have to endure. I hear Fiji is nice this time of year. And Siberia can be a blast. I'll even chip in for your tickets.