Free-dumb!

Last week Reporters Sans Frontiers released their annual world index of press freedom. Who knew? It wasn't in any of the local news. Not even a mention. Care to guess why?

Because the only time our precious media is keen to report anything about league tables of whatever is when Bahrain climbs up in the rankings. And this year, according to RSF, Bahrain have plummeted a whopping 23 places, down from 96 to 119. Impressive. We're tied with Angola, and just one measly place ahead of Bangladesh - also recently dubbed 'the most corrupt country on earth' or something to that effect. We're well behind Qatar, Oman, the UAE and Kuwait, but not to worry - at least we're ahead of Iraq, Iran, Saudi, Egypt and Libya.

All this in a year where Bahrain has been talking up it's free press credentials. Just a pointer- pretending that we have free press does not make it so. And publishing an endless tirade of propaganda in local media about how free our press is doesn't make it any more free.

Maybe we just misinterpreted the rules. Maybe the Minsteress for Informology and Culturisation thought that ensuring the BNA website was free of charge for all those brave enough to wrestle with the lingo was enough. Maybe they studied the price of our newspaper(s) in relation to the rest of the world and determined that while we weren't quite free (not counting Al Waseet of course), at least we are pretty cheap. I don't know.

But the biggest gripe I have is that our press is too fucking scared to even talk about how free our press isn't. Not even a whisper. Nothing. The Emirates mentioned it a bit, but that's because they only fell by a measly 17 places in the rankings, despite having new laws that make it illegal to say bad shit about anyone or the economy or someone's horse. We on the other hand, despite all our CAPITAL LETTERS professing Bahrain's awesomeness managed somehow to plummet a whopping 23 places. Our 'media' loves to talk about rankings - be it how 'Free' our economy is, how 'good' we are at football, that we are ranked 'high' in the UN human development index... but when it comes to talking about one of the only rankings that really matters... we get silence. It could be down to incredibly bad reporting, which we know is a chronic Bahraini disease. Maybe the GDN and whoever else didn't get emailed a press release to cut and paste. Whatever. We should all be ashamed.

Obama became president and the USA climbed 16 places or so. We get ourselves a new Minister of Informativeness and we plummet 23 places. Hmmm... If that's not a measure of job performance, what is?

Seriously, did anyone think Bahrain's press could get any worse? Any less 'free'? Lets blame democracy. And education. If people couldn't read, then publishers could print whatever the hell they felt like. Maybe if we made reading illegal, like most of the internet seems to be... Alternatively, lets just pretend we already know everything. Then there'd be no need for press, and hence press freedom would be irrelevant. Wait, don't we already do that?

Wahuuuuh?

Another year, another mascot. Wahoooooooo, the oft-delayed waterpark in the City Centre mall, has done the one and only thing that Bahraini PR firms seem to be able to do these days: invented a mascot.

According to various media outlets, the "coolest turtle in town will be called Squirtle".

Now, Squirtle is an infinitely superior moniker to the BIC's Speedy. But... and this here is a nice, chunky, supersized but... It's the name of a Pokemon.

Yup. Bahrain's latest home-grown creation, named after a publicity spree and a competition in English and Arabic, with the help of 25 schools and over 500 participants, also just happens to be the name of a popular character from a thoroughly incomprehensible Japanese franchise.

They went with Squirtle because, according to Gulf Weekly, 'it rhymes with turtle and has a squirting water association'. And here's the best bit... three different participants, all aged 11, all from St. Chris, submitted the same name.

Mitchell Sandy, 11, from Jannusan, was the first to suggest the name and won a Wahooo! family pass to enjoy all the facilities once the waterpark is open and a goodie bag. Scarlet Robinson, 11, from Riffa, and Rebecca Dench, 11, from Janabiyah, also came up with Squirtle and won a family pass and tickets for the waterpark respectively.

The youngsters attend St Christopher's School and had no idea they all had individually come up with the same brainwave until they met at the awards ceremony on Saturday!

Bravo. It was a 'brainwave'. Or perhaps it could have had something to with the fact that the target demographic for Pokemon is children under the age of 12.

That nobody questioned the name is rather bewildering. For three separate individuals to submit the same name - a name that the management and PR peeps of Wahoooo! believe to be an original creation from the exceptionally gifted minds of 11 year old students - is somewhat suspect. Especially if they all spelt the name the same way, which I assume they did. Surely someone somewhere in the process would have gone to the extent of consulting the Google oracle, y'know, just to be sure. Nope.

Yes, this is rather mundane. Trivial in fact. And yes, I admit, I knew that there was a Pokemon character called Squirtle, thanks to a brief attempt at deciphering the children's craze of yester-decade - a task at which I failed miserably.

Pokemon is a registered trademark of Nintendo. I would assume that the trademark and copyright extends to the characters and their likenesses. And yes, there are likenesses. Squirtle the Pokemon thing is a Turtle-type creature thing that squirts water. And Squirtle the Wahoooooooo mascot is a Turtle that squirts water. The only real difference is that Squirtle, the Nintendo character, might possibly be part squirrel or something.

But seriously... Nobody in the entire process looked it up? Nobody thought that the imagination of children could be skewed by some lawsuit-crazed behemoth of intellectual property? It would seem not. More worryingly, none of the parents thought to bring it up. Perhaps because no parents can understand what the hell Pokemon is, but that's not really an excuse. If you don't know what it is your children are watching, playing or whatever, you probably shouldn't be letting them do it.

I'm hoping... no, I'm praying that we get ourselves a nice, big, international-headline grabbing lawsuit. It wont come to that. I might, y'know, email the legal department of Nintendo just for giggles. And if something this blatantly actionable doesn't get a PR monkey fired, nothing will.

Google 'Squirtle'. Google 'Squirtle Bahrain'. It's all Pokemon. Do you think the Ministry muppets who occasionally harass Bahrain's good ol' fashioned bootleg DVD stores will hanging around City Centre shouting and poking and whining as only the Ministry can do?

Is this news?

It's been a while since I did myself the displeasure of attempting to read anything on the Ministry of Information's one and only Bahrain News Agency website. But, against my better judgement, I clicked on a link to a story that sounded like it'd be jam packed full of nonsensical goodness. And it was. So here it is.

The block capitals belong to the BNA, cut and pastified from their 'website'. The bold italics are all mine. Enjoy.

BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSIC IN OCTOBER

MANAMA, SEPT.30 (BNA) -- THE CULTURE AND NATIONAL HERITAGE SECTOR WILL ORGANIZE THE 18TH BAHRAIN INTERNATIONAL MUSIC FESTIVAL ON 10-16 OF NEXT OCTOBER.

Next October? Does that mean October 2010?

THE FESTIVAL WILL BE HELD AT THE CULTURAL HALL NEAR BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSEUM WITH THE PARTICIPATION OF GULF AND INTERNATIONAL MUSIC BANDS TO ENTERTAIN THE AUDIENCE WITH LOVE, BEAUTY AND PEACE SONGS AND MUSIC.

Awesome... I love beauty and peace songs and music. It's so much better than ugly and war songs and music, don't you think?

THE FESTIVAL, SINCE ITS FIRST INCEPTION ON SEPTEMBER 26, 1992, HAS PLAYED A VITAL ROLE IN THE GROWING CULTURE AND ARTS ARENAS IN BAHRAIN AND STOOD AS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MUSIC ACTIVITIES IN THE GULF.

Yeah. It's like really, totally popular, and millions of people flock to our Kingdom to enjoy the 'beauty and peace songs and music'. Every year, since 1992, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Bahrain invented happiness.

THE MUSIC FESTIVALS WHICH WORLD PEOPLES CELEBRATE REPRESENT SUITABLE OCCASIONS FOR PEOPLES AND CIVILIZATIONS TO MEET AND BUILD BRIDGES OF ACCULTURATION, SPECIALLY THAT MUSIC IS A FORM OF INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE.

Ladies and gentlemen... a lesson in sentence construction from the Ministry of Information. 'World peoples', because they are better than, well, aliens. So, the world peoples celebrate music festivals, and these music festivals are 'suitable occasions' for people to get together and try to love one another right now. Hey, I think I just infringed me a copyright. Woo hoo. Maybe the BNA just got the lyrics to 'Get Together', used Google Translate (they blocked it to keep it all to themselves), and after translating the English lyrics to German, then Dutch, Swahili, Arabic and then Back to English, we got ourselves this 'story'. And if music is a form of 'International Language' (lets not even get into the 'Specially'), surely all music would be 'blocked for violating the laws and regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. Just Like Google Translate.

THE CULTURE AND HERITAGE SECTOR SEIZES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXTEND THANKS AND APPRECIATION OF BROTHERLY AND FRIENDLY COUNTRIES' EMBASSIES, MINISTRIES AND ESTABLISHMENTS FOR THE SUPPORT THEY OFFERED TO THE ORGANIZERS.

What's a nice bit of news without some good ol' fashioned ass kissing?

And that's that. Don't y'all feel enlightened. It's really nice to see the positive impact Shaikha Mai's had since she took over the Ministry of Informativeness. I suppose the news would be important, if it didn't keep getting in the way of her dictatorial pointlessness. Do you think she's ever even seen the BNA website? EVER?

Inglorious Bastards.

Bahrain used to be a polite country. Bahrainis have forever applauded themselves for being hospitable, friendly and courteous. It's just one of the ways they pat each other on the back. An unquantifiable, entirely subjective way with which to claim superiority over our neighbours. We might not be as rich, powerful, big or beautiful, but who cares? We are polite. We are gracious. Or so we believe.

This 'theory' can be disproved in seconds. Just get in your car, or someone else's car, and go for a short drive. Within seconds you will be transported into a place filled with hate, rage and utter stupidity. No matter where you are. No matter how good or bad the traffic is. It always ends the same. Honking, jousting for position, the occasional game of chicken and a complete lack of respect.

When did overtaking someone become a personal insult? Even if the person in the fancy, rather capable automobile in front of you is driving slowly, chatting on their phone or eating a shawarma or plucking their eyebrows, as soon as you try to overtake them they speed up. Not enough for you to get on your way, but just enough to prevent you getting in front of them. Because, god forbid, should you manage to get your vehicle between them and their destination, their whole day will go straight to hell.

Go to a mall, or somewhere else where people gather. Try to walk in a straight line. It's impossible. Even if you were there first. Even if you are on your way to somewhere with purpose. The right of way automatically belongs to the other person. This is the new Bahraini mentality. A superiority complex that is overwhelmingly undeserved plagues the people of this Kingdom.

Try being a pedestrian. Actually, don't, unless you harbor a particular desire for pain and/or death. If you are on foot, you are automatically classed as scum. Cross a road at your own peril. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. The only way the person in the shiny SUV will even consider not squishing you is if you look like you might scratch their bumper. Self interest prevails. Selfishness is now fashionable.

Politeness. It was our defining characteristic, and now, its all but gone. I applaud when I see a basic act of decency in public, so rare have they become. Without our manners we are nothing but island-dwellers. Pirates. Uncultured, self-absorbed snobs. Bastards. All of us.

We see it happen and we shrug it off. It has become a way of life. Decency doesn't just come and go... it takes generations to cultivate. And if we continue on our current trajectory, soon Bahrain will be known as that hostile, stuck-up little island overpopulated with assholes. With F1. And, ummm... F1. Y'know, those cars that go fast. My car goes fast. I'm better than you. Why are you here? Fuck off.

It's amusing. The one way we can claim superiority has led to a superiority complex. And our superiority complex has in turn eroded our superiority. Now, we're just arrogant. Can it be fixed? I don't know. Perhaps we should just throw in the towel. We could try to become the most bastardly nation on the planet - a place where self interest prevails, where assholes are cool, where general decency is extinct. Everyone would hate us, but who cares? The only opinion that matters is our own.

And, when people say

"Bahrainis are the rudest people we've ever heard of",

we, like Keith Richards, would reply...

"At least you've heard of us"

Riddle me this...

Gulf Weekly, that free thing that comes with the GDN and is found kicking about coffee shops and waiting rooms, claims to be 'Bahrain's favourite community newspaper'. How many other 'community newspapers' in Bahrain can you name?

Take your time...

There's no rush....

This brainteaser wouldn't have been possible without the arrogance of the Al Hilal Group.

Beep Beep Arghhh.

Alright. I am fed up. If I get one more f$%!ing text message ad courtesy of Batelco I will kill something. I never subscribed to anything. I never gave them permission to include my number in a database of numbers that they could sell to clients for SMS broadcasts. I have no recourse, no option to opt out of the 'service'. So I am stuck.

I don't care about the latest SALE at CENTERPOINT. I don't even know what Centerpoint is. I don't want to order Franks a lot. I have no desire to give BisB my money, even if they claim I can win loads of prizes. I will never, ever go to the SkyW@lk cafe in the Marriot apartments, so the two identical back-to-back messages they sent me were a double waste. This is harassment.

And then I get messages in Arabic. My phone doesn't support Arabic, so the messages read

shoe mart

oooooooo oooo oooooo oooooo

What utter bullshit. Why would anyone want a text message from shoe mart? I don't care how lonely someone is... getting a text message from shoe mart is just pathetic, plain and simple.

And who the hell wants not one, but three text messages from RAMEZ? Surely this is harassment. I'm going to start sending Batelco some harassing emails. I'd text them back, but I don't have their mobile number. I don't care how self-defeating that'd be... if I could annoy a handful of Batelco management with messages like -

'SPECIAL OFFER HAPPY TIME. FREE ONE FOR TWO, only TODAY. SEEF!!!!'

it'd be worth it. Totally worth it. Some Batelconians claim there is no way that our beloved Telecom would ever do something like sell broadcast messages to random clients. But that's a lie. Who the hell has ever given RAMEZ their phone number? And other Batelconians, some of whom were directly involved in the whole broadcast message thing, have made it clear that they'd sell anyone's number to anything. If a sheep wanted to tell the world that it was feeling slightly horny, Batelco would facilitate as long as it had some cash.

I'd ask the TRA to help me but I have a thing against flushing my time and energy down the toilet. I'd call Batelco and demand a free text message for each and every ad that they enable the godforsaken advertiser to annoy me with, but can you imagine how frustrating that conversation with customer care would be?

Fuck this. I just got another message, from Ramez. While I've been typing this rant I've received FOUR text messages from RAMEZ. No lie. Not one, not two, not three... but four. And they're all the same.

They discovered a new medium with which to harass the public, and true to form, they've abused it to the point that it is no longer even slightly effective. Just like they did with billboards. Just like they did with those goddamn streetlight ads. I remember, not long ago, the Ministry of Transport and the Municipality were arguing over who was entitled to the revenue from those lamppost ads. One Ministry took them down and the other put them back up. Maybe if I call the Ministry and tell them that Batelco is taking all the revenue from broadcast messages.... Telecoms fall under the domain of the Ministry of Transport, or at least they once did, for some reason I'll never quite understand... That might be fun. Although, has anyone ever managed to get a Ministry to answer a phone. I've heard stories, from the days of old... but I think they're lies.

I don't care if they send me four thousand messages. I'm not going anywhere near Ramez. Even if I really, really wanted to wander around a dirty warehouse full of reject Chinese merchandise, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Please, boycott every business that sends you stupid, annoying, harassing messages. And then, maybe, someone will learn something. It's doubtful. There's far, far too much stupidity going around these days, but it cant hurt to try.

The Great Swine Strategy 2: The Rethink

It just keeps getting better, but only in a sarcastic way.

So there was the great rethink of our wonderfully bright Kingdom's swine flu strategy. Where all the decision makers got themselves together in a one-off attempt to do their jobs. Bravo. Pause for applause. And it was at this meeting of the 'minds' that it was decided to stagger the opening of schools. According to the GDN:

All secondary schools will stay closed until October 4, intermediate until October 11, primary until October 18 and kindergartens and special needs centres until November 1.

This new schedule of brain-numbing stupidity comes after a senior WHO (not the band) representative declared that keeping schools closed 'is not an option'. In fact, instead of doing any good, it would seem that delaying the inevitable until a season where oink-cough will spread more rapidly is irresponsible in the extreme. Let not this bother our decision makers though, for they have decided. God forbid we, y'know, listen to some advice. Naah. We know better. All the other countries are doing it wrong. They're stupid. They probably don't even know what a full-option S-class looks like. We on the other hand, we know our shit.

And it gets better (again, sarcastically). Much, much better. Apparently, this latest 'step' was taken to "safeguard the return of pupils to classes, particularly vulnerable groups such as young children and to alleviate pressure on the country's health services". Allegedly. But the Ministry of Health, the people charged with cleaning up the messy pandemic, have made it clear that they disagree with this decision. So, I wonder, aloud: who made this decision? Neither the WHO nor the Ministry of Health. In fact, both of these organizations, the very same institutions that logic would dictate have the most qualified opinions on this matter, disagree with our latest 'strategy'.

Now, if there was a meeting that was attended by the ministries of Health and Education and had some input from the WHO, and two of the aforementioned parties are against the new 'plan', logic dictates that the one remaining party is the party responsible. So, by using regression analysis and a bit of coin tossing, we come to the conclusion that the Ministry of Education is now Bahrain's foremost authority on health matters. And pandemics. Who would have guessed?

Whatever. This is getting old, quickly. It's clear that we have no idea, not even a faint sniff of a clue, how to handle anything that resembles a problem. Who cares who gets the blame? WHO doesn't. They offered us their advice and we roundly dismissed it. But to tell us that this plan is somehow in the best interests of the children and a responsible approach to alleviating pressure on health services when it clearly is not, well thats just a cheap lie.

Apparently the logic is that its better to be safe than sorry. Seriously, these were the words that were uttered to the GDN by an unnamed Ministry of Health official who, like anyone else with sense, thinks this plan is stupid. But is it better to be safe than sorry now and a whole bunch sorrier later because we were stupid before in a pathetic, ill-advised attempt to be safe?

The strategy, and I use the term in it's loosest form, seems to involve nothing more that thumb-twiddling until the great western vaccination is so kindly sold to us for a brutal profit. Some people, myself included, assumed that the first batch of vaccinations would be used to immunize the little kiddies before they got sent into their educational petri dishes, because of how they're high-risk, and, well, little kiddies. Perhaps then we would be able to find a nugget of logic in this series of absurdities. But no. Not a chance.

It seems that the first batch, all 40,000 doses of this entirely unproven elixir of hope, have been allocated for the pilgrims. Two doses each (even though from what I've read , only one is required) for 15,000 haaj-goers. My math is a little rusty, but what happens to the other 10,000? Mmm. I wonder. Vaccinate Important Persons perhaps?

Let it be. If someone wants to be my guinea pig, hooray for me.

If we're still playing the prevention game lets stop people entering the country. That'll help a bit. And while we're at it, close the malls. We should've cancelled eid, but it's too late now. Cinemas are a bit tight, so they're gone. Cafes too. And eateries. And public transport, because that's rather popular. And gyms. And supermarkets. Let's not let a silly thing like logic get in the way. Hell, why not just close Bahrain 'until further notice'.