HAH!

Just after posting the last post about whatever I noticed a headline on the side of the screen where the headlines like to hang out that made me laugh. I didn't read the story, but I can guess what's in it. Anyway, the headline read:

Weiner Condemns Bahrain.

Awesome.

Free-dumb!

Last week Reporters Sans Frontiers released their annual world index of press freedom. Who knew? It wasn't in any of the local news. Not even a mention. Care to guess why?

Because the only time our precious media is keen to report anything about league tables of whatever is when Bahrain climbs up in the rankings. And this year, according to RSF, Bahrain have plummeted a whopping 23 places, down from 96 to 119. Impressive. We're tied with Angola, and just one measly place ahead of Bangladesh - also recently dubbed 'the most corrupt country on earth' or something to that effect. We're well behind Qatar, Oman, the UAE and Kuwait, but not to worry - at least we're ahead of Iraq, Iran, Saudi, Egypt and Libya.

All this in a year where Bahrain has been talking up it's free press credentials. Just a pointer- pretending that we have free press does not make it so. And publishing an endless tirade of propaganda in local media about how free our press is doesn't make it any more free.

Maybe we just misinterpreted the rules. Maybe the Minsteress for Informology and Culturisation thought that ensuring the BNA website was free of charge for all those brave enough to wrestle with the lingo was enough. Maybe they studied the price of our newspaper(s) in relation to the rest of the world and determined that while we weren't quite free (not counting Al Waseet of course), at least we are pretty cheap. I don't know.

But the biggest gripe I have is that our press is too fucking scared to even talk about how free our press isn't. Not even a whisper. Nothing. The Emirates mentioned it a bit, but that's because they only fell by a measly 17 places in the rankings, despite having new laws that make it illegal to say bad shit about anyone or the economy or someone's horse. We on the other hand, despite all our CAPITAL LETTERS professing Bahrain's awesomeness managed somehow to plummet a whopping 23 places. Our 'media' loves to talk about rankings - be it how 'Free' our economy is, how 'good' we are at football, that we are ranked 'high' in the UN human development index... but when it comes to talking about one of the only rankings that really matters... we get silence. It could be down to incredibly bad reporting, which we know is a chronic Bahraini disease. Maybe the GDN and whoever else didn't get emailed a press release to cut and paste. Whatever. We should all be ashamed.

Obama became president and the USA climbed 16 places or so. We get ourselves a new Minister of Informativeness and we plummet 23 places. Hmmm... If that's not a measure of job performance, what is?

Seriously, did anyone think Bahrain's press could get any worse? Any less 'free'? Lets blame democracy. And education. If people couldn't read, then publishers could print whatever the hell they felt like. Maybe if we made reading illegal, like most of the internet seems to be... Alternatively, lets just pretend we already know everything. Then there'd be no need for press, and hence press freedom would be irrelevant. Wait, don't we already do that?

Wahuuuuh?

Another year, another mascot. Wahoooooooo, the oft-delayed waterpark in the City Centre mall, has done the one and only thing that Bahraini PR firms seem to be able to do these days: invented a mascot.

According to various media outlets, the "coolest turtle in town will be called Squirtle".

Now, Squirtle is an infinitely superior moniker to the BIC's Speedy. But... and this here is a nice, chunky, supersized but... It's the name of a Pokemon.

Yup. Bahrain's latest home-grown creation, named after a publicity spree and a competition in English and Arabic, with the help of 25 schools and over 500 participants, also just happens to be the name of a popular character from a thoroughly incomprehensible Japanese franchise.

They went with Squirtle because, according to Gulf Weekly, 'it rhymes with turtle and has a squirting water association'. And here's the best bit... three different participants, all aged 11, all from St. Chris, submitted the same name.

Mitchell Sandy, 11, from Jannusan, was the first to suggest the name and won a Wahooo! family pass to enjoy all the facilities once the waterpark is open and a goodie bag. Scarlet Robinson, 11, from Riffa, and Rebecca Dench, 11, from Janabiyah, also came up with Squirtle and won a family pass and tickets for the waterpark respectively.

The youngsters attend St Christopher's School and had no idea they all had individually come up with the same brainwave until they met at the awards ceremony on Saturday!

Bravo. It was a 'brainwave'. Or perhaps it could have had something to with the fact that the target demographic for Pokemon is children under the age of 12.

That nobody questioned the name is rather bewildering. For three separate individuals to submit the same name - a name that the management and PR peeps of Wahoooo! believe to be an original creation from the exceptionally gifted minds of 11 year old students - is somewhat suspect. Especially if they all spelt the name the same way, which I assume they did. Surely someone somewhere in the process would have gone to the extent of consulting the Google oracle, y'know, just to be sure. Nope.

Yes, this is rather mundane. Trivial in fact. And yes, I admit, I knew that there was a Pokemon character called Squirtle, thanks to a brief attempt at deciphering the children's craze of yester-decade - a task at which I failed miserably.

Pokemon is a registered trademark of Nintendo. I would assume that the trademark and copyright extends to the characters and their likenesses. And yes, there are likenesses. Squirtle the Pokemon thing is a Turtle-type creature thing that squirts water. And Squirtle the Wahoooooooo mascot is a Turtle that squirts water. The only real difference is that Squirtle, the Nintendo character, might possibly be part squirrel or something.

But seriously... Nobody in the entire process looked it up? Nobody thought that the imagination of children could be skewed by some lawsuit-crazed behemoth of intellectual property? It would seem not. More worryingly, none of the parents thought to bring it up. Perhaps because no parents can understand what the hell Pokemon is, but that's not really an excuse. If you don't know what it is your children are watching, playing or whatever, you probably shouldn't be letting them do it.

I'm hoping... no, I'm praying that we get ourselves a nice, big, international-headline grabbing lawsuit. It wont come to that. I might, y'know, email the legal department of Nintendo just for giggles. And if something this blatantly actionable doesn't get a PR monkey fired, nothing will.

Google 'Squirtle'. Google 'Squirtle Bahrain'. It's all Pokemon. Do you think the Ministry muppets who occasionally harass Bahrain's good ol' fashioned bootleg DVD stores will hanging around City Centre shouting and poking and whining as only the Ministry can do?

Is this news?

It's been a while since I did myself the displeasure of attempting to read anything on the Ministry of Information's one and only Bahrain News Agency website. But, against my better judgement, I clicked on a link to a story that sounded like it'd be jam packed full of nonsensical goodness. And it was. So here it is.

The block capitals belong to the BNA, cut and pastified from their 'website'. The bold italics are all mine. Enjoy.

BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSIC IN OCTOBER

MANAMA, SEPT.30 (BNA) -- THE CULTURE AND NATIONAL HERITAGE SECTOR WILL ORGANIZE THE 18TH BAHRAIN INTERNATIONAL MUSIC FESTIVAL ON 10-16 OF NEXT OCTOBER.

Next October? Does that mean October 2010?

THE FESTIVAL WILL BE HELD AT THE CULTURAL HALL NEAR BAHRAIN NATIONAL MUSEUM WITH THE PARTICIPATION OF GULF AND INTERNATIONAL MUSIC BANDS TO ENTERTAIN THE AUDIENCE WITH LOVE, BEAUTY AND PEACE SONGS AND MUSIC.

Awesome... I love beauty and peace songs and music. It's so much better than ugly and war songs and music, don't you think?

THE FESTIVAL, SINCE ITS FIRST INCEPTION ON SEPTEMBER 26, 1992, HAS PLAYED A VITAL ROLE IN THE GROWING CULTURE AND ARTS ARENAS IN BAHRAIN AND STOOD AS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MUSIC ACTIVITIES IN THE GULF.

Yeah. It's like really, totally popular, and millions of people flock to our Kingdom to enjoy the 'beauty and peace songs and music'. Every year, since 1992, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Bahrain invented happiness.

THE MUSIC FESTIVALS WHICH WORLD PEOPLES CELEBRATE REPRESENT SUITABLE OCCASIONS FOR PEOPLES AND CIVILIZATIONS TO MEET AND BUILD BRIDGES OF ACCULTURATION, SPECIALLY THAT MUSIC IS A FORM OF INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE.

Ladies and gentlemen... a lesson in sentence construction from the Ministry of Information. 'World peoples', because they are better than, well, aliens. So, the world peoples celebrate music festivals, and these music festivals are 'suitable occasions' for people to get together and try to love one another right now. Hey, I think I just infringed me a copyright. Woo hoo. Maybe the BNA just got the lyrics to 'Get Together', used Google Translate (they blocked it to keep it all to themselves), and after translating the English lyrics to German, then Dutch, Swahili, Arabic and then Back to English, we got ourselves this 'story'. And if music is a form of 'International Language' (lets not even get into the 'Specially'), surely all music would be 'blocked for violating the laws and regulations of the Kingdom of Bahrain'. Just Like Google Translate.

THE CULTURE AND HERITAGE SECTOR SEIZES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXTEND THANKS AND APPRECIATION OF BROTHERLY AND FRIENDLY COUNTRIES' EMBASSIES, MINISTRIES AND ESTABLISHMENTS FOR THE SUPPORT THEY OFFERED TO THE ORGANIZERS.

What's a nice bit of news without some good ol' fashioned ass kissing?

And that's that. Don't y'all feel enlightened. It's really nice to see the positive impact Shaikha Mai's had since she took over the Ministry of Informativeness. I suppose the news would be important, if it didn't keep getting in the way of her dictatorial pointlessness. Do you think she's ever even seen the BNA website? EVER?

Inglorious Bastards.

Bahrain used to be a polite country. Bahrainis have forever applauded themselves for being hospitable, friendly and courteous. It's just one of the ways they pat each other on the back. An unquantifiable, entirely subjective way with which to claim superiority over our neighbours. We might not be as rich, powerful, big or beautiful, but who cares? We are polite. We are gracious. Or so we believe.

This 'theory' can be disproved in seconds. Just get in your car, or someone else's car, and go for a short drive. Within seconds you will be transported into a place filled with hate, rage and utter stupidity. No matter where you are. No matter how good or bad the traffic is. It always ends the same. Honking, jousting for position, the occasional game of chicken and a complete lack of respect.

When did overtaking someone become a personal insult? Even if the person in the fancy, rather capable automobile in front of you is driving slowly, chatting on their phone or eating a shawarma or plucking their eyebrows, as soon as you try to overtake them they speed up. Not enough for you to get on your way, but just enough to prevent you getting in front of them. Because, god forbid, should you manage to get your vehicle between them and their destination, their whole day will go straight to hell.

Go to a mall, or somewhere else where people gather. Try to walk in a straight line. It's impossible. Even if you were there first. Even if you are on your way to somewhere with purpose. The right of way automatically belongs to the other person. This is the new Bahraini mentality. A superiority complex that is overwhelmingly undeserved plagues the people of this Kingdom.

Try being a pedestrian. Actually, don't, unless you harbor a particular desire for pain and/or death. If you are on foot, you are automatically classed as scum. Cross a road at your own peril. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. The only way the person in the shiny SUV will even consider not squishing you is if you look like you might scratch their bumper. Self interest prevails. Selfishness is now fashionable.

Politeness. It was our defining characteristic, and now, its all but gone. I applaud when I see a basic act of decency in public, so rare have they become. Without our manners we are nothing but island-dwellers. Pirates. Uncultured, self-absorbed snobs. Bastards. All of us.

We see it happen and we shrug it off. It has become a way of life. Decency doesn't just come and go... it takes generations to cultivate. And if we continue on our current trajectory, soon Bahrain will be known as that hostile, stuck-up little island overpopulated with assholes. With F1. And, ummm... F1. Y'know, those cars that go fast. My car goes fast. I'm better than you. Why are you here? Fuck off.

It's amusing. The one way we can claim superiority has led to a superiority complex. And our superiority complex has in turn eroded our superiority. Now, we're just arrogant. Can it be fixed? I don't know. Perhaps we should just throw in the towel. We could try to become the most bastardly nation on the planet - a place where self interest prevails, where assholes are cool, where general decency is extinct. Everyone would hate us, but who cares? The only opinion that matters is our own.

And, when people say

"Bahrainis are the rudest people we've ever heard of",

we, like Keith Richards, would reply...

"At least you've heard of us"

Riddle me this...

Gulf Weekly, that free thing that comes with the GDN and is found kicking about coffee shops and waiting rooms, claims to be 'Bahrain's favourite community newspaper'. How many other 'community newspapers' in Bahrain can you name?

Take your time...

There's no rush....

This brainteaser wouldn't have been possible without the arrogance of the Al Hilal Group.

Beep Beep Arghhh.

Alright. I am fed up. If I get one more f$%!ing text message ad courtesy of Batelco I will kill something. I never subscribed to anything. I never gave them permission to include my number in a database of numbers that they could sell to clients for SMS broadcasts. I have no recourse, no option to opt out of the 'service'. So I am stuck.

I don't care about the latest SALE at CENTERPOINT. I don't even know what Centerpoint is. I don't want to order Franks a lot. I have no desire to give BisB my money, even if they claim I can win loads of prizes. I will never, ever go to the SkyW@lk cafe in the Marriot apartments, so the two identical back-to-back messages they sent me were a double waste. This is harassment.

And then I get messages in Arabic. My phone doesn't support Arabic, so the messages read

shoe mart

oooooooo oooo oooooo oooooo

What utter bullshit. Why would anyone want a text message from shoe mart? I don't care how lonely someone is... getting a text message from shoe mart is just pathetic, plain and simple.

And who the hell wants not one, but three text messages from RAMEZ? Surely this is harassment. I'm going to start sending Batelco some harassing emails. I'd text them back, but I don't have their mobile number. I don't care how self-defeating that'd be... if I could annoy a handful of Batelco management with messages like -

'SPECIAL OFFER HAPPY TIME. FREE ONE FOR TWO, only TODAY. SEEF!!!!'

it'd be worth it. Totally worth it. Some Batelconians claim there is no way that our beloved Telecom would ever do something like sell broadcast messages to random clients. But that's a lie. Who the hell has ever given RAMEZ their phone number? And other Batelconians, some of whom were directly involved in the whole broadcast message thing, have made it clear that they'd sell anyone's number to anything. If a sheep wanted to tell the world that it was feeling slightly horny, Batelco would facilitate as long as it had some cash.

I'd ask the TRA to help me but I have a thing against flushing my time and energy down the toilet. I'd call Batelco and demand a free text message for each and every ad that they enable the godforsaken advertiser to annoy me with, but can you imagine how frustrating that conversation with customer care would be?

Fuck this. I just got another message, from Ramez. While I've been typing this rant I've received FOUR text messages from RAMEZ. No lie. Not one, not two, not three... but four. And they're all the same.

They discovered a new medium with which to harass the public, and true to form, they've abused it to the point that it is no longer even slightly effective. Just like they did with billboards. Just like they did with those goddamn streetlight ads. I remember, not long ago, the Ministry of Transport and the Municipality were arguing over who was entitled to the revenue from those lamppost ads. One Ministry took them down and the other put them back up. Maybe if I call the Ministry and tell them that Batelco is taking all the revenue from broadcast messages.... Telecoms fall under the domain of the Ministry of Transport, or at least they once did, for some reason I'll never quite understand... That might be fun. Although, has anyone ever managed to get a Ministry to answer a phone. I've heard stories, from the days of old... but I think they're lies.

I don't care if they send me four thousand messages. I'm not going anywhere near Ramez. Even if I really, really wanted to wander around a dirty warehouse full of reject Chinese merchandise, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Please, boycott every business that sends you stupid, annoying, harassing messages. And then, maybe, someone will learn something. It's doubtful. There's far, far too much stupidity going around these days, but it cant hurt to try.

The Great Swine Strategy 2: The Rethink

It just keeps getting better, but only in a sarcastic way.

So there was the great rethink of our wonderfully bright Kingdom's swine flu strategy. Where all the decision makers got themselves together in a one-off attempt to do their jobs. Bravo. Pause for applause. And it was at this meeting of the 'minds' that it was decided to stagger the opening of schools. According to the GDN:

All secondary schools will stay closed until October 4, intermediate until October 11, primary until October 18 and kindergartens and special needs centres until November 1.

This new schedule of brain-numbing stupidity comes after a senior WHO (not the band) representative declared that keeping schools closed 'is not an option'. In fact, instead of doing any good, it would seem that delaying the inevitable until a season where oink-cough will spread more rapidly is irresponsible in the extreme. Let not this bother our decision makers though, for they have decided. God forbid we, y'know, listen to some advice. Naah. We know better. All the other countries are doing it wrong. They're stupid. They probably don't even know what a full-option S-class looks like. We on the other hand, we know our shit.

And it gets better (again, sarcastically). Much, much better. Apparently, this latest 'step' was taken to "safeguard the return of pupils to classes, particularly vulnerable groups such as young children and to alleviate pressure on the country's health services". Allegedly. But the Ministry of Health, the people charged with cleaning up the messy pandemic, have made it clear that they disagree with this decision. So, I wonder, aloud: who made this decision? Neither the WHO nor the Ministry of Health. In fact, both of these organizations, the very same institutions that logic would dictate have the most qualified opinions on this matter, disagree with our latest 'strategy'.

Now, if there was a meeting that was attended by the ministries of Health and Education and had some input from the WHO, and two of the aforementioned parties are against the new 'plan', logic dictates that the one remaining party is the party responsible. So, by using regression analysis and a bit of coin tossing, we come to the conclusion that the Ministry of Education is now Bahrain's foremost authority on health matters. And pandemics. Who would have guessed?

Whatever. This is getting old, quickly. It's clear that we have no idea, not even a faint sniff of a clue, how to handle anything that resembles a problem. Who cares who gets the blame? WHO doesn't. They offered us their advice and we roundly dismissed it. But to tell us that this plan is somehow in the best interests of the children and a responsible approach to alleviating pressure on health services when it clearly is not, well thats just a cheap lie.

Apparently the logic is that its better to be safe than sorry. Seriously, these were the words that were uttered to the GDN by an unnamed Ministry of Health official who, like anyone else with sense, thinks this plan is stupid. But is it better to be safe than sorry now and a whole bunch sorrier later because we were stupid before in a pathetic, ill-advised attempt to be safe?

The strategy, and I use the term in it's loosest form, seems to involve nothing more that thumb-twiddling until the great western vaccination is so kindly sold to us for a brutal profit. Some people, myself included, assumed that the first batch of vaccinations would be used to immunize the little kiddies before they got sent into their educational petri dishes, because of how they're high-risk, and, well, little kiddies. Perhaps then we would be able to find a nugget of logic in this series of absurdities. But no. Not a chance.

It seems that the first batch, all 40,000 doses of this entirely unproven elixir of hope, have been allocated for the pilgrims. Two doses each (even though from what I've read , only one is required) for 15,000 haaj-goers. My math is a little rusty, but what happens to the other 10,000? Mmm. I wonder. Vaccinate Important Persons perhaps?

Let it be. If someone wants to be my guinea pig, hooray for me.

If we're still playing the prevention game lets stop people entering the country. That'll help a bit. And while we're at it, close the malls. We should've cancelled eid, but it's too late now. Cinemas are a bit tight, so they're gone. Cafes too. And eateries. And public transport, because that's rather popular. And gyms. And supermarkets. Let's not let a silly thing like logic get in the way. Hell, why not just close Bahrain 'until further notice'.

The Great Swine Strategy

Idiots.

We've all heard about Bahrain's incredibly retarded swine flu strategy. Y'know, the one with the schools. If a student goes and gets all infected, the whole school will be shut down for one whole week. And if ten percent of students get sniffly, the school will be shut down for a week.

How the hell could this 'plan' feasibly work? Seriously... think about for a minute or two. What the flu that has barely anything to do with swine lacks in severity it more than makes up for in virulence. The statistics that are spewed about with reckless abandon in our media lead us to believe that a fairly respectable percentage of Bahrain will end up being part of this annoyance of a pandemic. I reckon, had they thought about it and, y'know, consulted with anyone who reads, they would have come to the conclusion that the probability of at least one student from every school in Bahrain contracting oink-sniffles is very close to 1.

And now, after five schools have been shut down in about four days, they're discussing a 'rethink' of their strategy. A rethink implies they thought about this strategy in the first place. Which begs the question: How utterly stupid are they?

Perhaps, if anyone really cared about the oink-cough, we would have pretended to give a shit beforehand. Nah. It was inevitable. We can whine and moan and bitch and scream and wear utterly pointless masks that allegedly increase the chance you'll get something, but instead of really doing anything about anything the only thing our government managed to accomplish was, well nothing. Unless you count parliaments attempt to ban the import of pork. That would've saved us all. Muppets.

I cant wait for the new 'strategy'. Maybe they'll make everyone who gets sick huddle in the corner while the healthy point and them and make pig noises. The shame will banish the illness to less proud parts of the world. Maybe the police will roam about the streets, impounding everyone who sniffles. Maybe, just maybe, they'll say that it is illegal for expats to leave their homes, because this disease is a foreign, expat disease. Bahrainis would never play a part in spreading something so unfashionable. Never. It is worthy of note that all five schools that have been closed are international, private schools. Bahrain's public institutions would never be host to a disease named after a filthy animal. Never.

Morons. Bahrain has hosted its fair share of nasty flu in the past. We, as a nation, are demographically prone to get whatever illness is annoying the planet and there is nothing we can really do about it. Sit back, relax and when the sniffles arrive, blame parliament. Why? Because they're probably blaming you. And because they honestly believed that banning pork imports would save us all.

The sound of sunshine

I haven't complained in a while. It might be because summer makes me lazier than usual, or perhaps because nothing has agitated me enough to get the drivel flowing. The lack of complaining is also, undoubtedly, directly related to Parliament's summer break. But it was only a matter of time.

A lot has happened since I last posted. Gulf Air got themselves a new chief, Bahrain beat Saudi at the kicking competition and Swine flu is the new black. Come to think of it, not much has happened at all. Ramadan arrived with a whimper and will disappear with a sigh of indifference. More on Ramadan later. For now, I'll complain about the mundane.

Radio Bahrain. The sunshine sound. The gulf's 'number one'. The worthless exercise in public media who's shameless profiteering has turned it into a veritable parody of a real radio station. The headache inducing pointlessness that suffers from a cavernous deficit of vision, ambition or logic.

Despite being government funded, Radio Bahrain have sold every last nugget of air time to anybody and everybody. Advertising on Radio is necessary, particularly in a country like Bahrain where it is essentially the only public media that is ever actually entertained by the populace.

I don't mind ads, but when the news bulletins are sponsored by something I couldn't care about, and when the weather is brought to me by something I don't know what is, and best of all, when the TIME is sponsored, I get annoyed. It's silly. And pointless. And clearly, demonstrably over-saturated with constantly repetitive drivel.

Furthermore, has anyone ever noticed how a fair chunk of the ads broadcast feature the voices of Radio Bahrain's very own 'DJs'? If Krazy bloody Kevin provides the voice for an ad during his torturous show, shouldn't it be considered an endorsement? If so, does the Ministry of Information and Culturification not mind that the people that it is paying to annoy us are also blatantly recommending a whole host of products, services and events to Bahrain's impressionable public? Probably not. It was probably their idea.

Fire some people. Hire some new people. Figure out how to develop some local talent who can a.) read, and b.)speak. Preferably someone who does not play house music at 3pm. Put Ian Fisher on a plane and send him far, far away. I don't care what they do or how they do it, but they've got to do something.

Why does Radio Bahrain even have news bulletins? They must be aware that if we need news, we've got BBC radio. I might not like BBC all that much, but they're a Bentley next to Radio Bahrain's beat-up Skoda. Old Skoda, before they were owned by VW. The news we hear on 96.5 is regurgitated tripe. There is no local news, save for the occasional message informing us of some 'cable' of good wishes sent to somewhere by someone. Surely email would be more efficient? How does one go about sending a 'cable'? Is it like a telegram or something?

They don't entertain. They certainly don't inform. So what do they do? They exploit their captive audience. They milk us by assaulting our senses with a barrage of useless, ill conceived, amateur adverts. They annoy us by employing the least qualified, most irritating, verbally challenged DJs'.

They're building a new studio, or something to that effect. A new studio wont fix the problem. It's beyond institutional. Radio Bahrain is a problem. It creates the closest thing Bahrain has to celebrity, which in turns stifles innovation. Krazy Kevin is your example. I know Kevin. He's a nice guy. But he belongs in a bar in middle England or some holiday resort or cruise ship. He was brought here by JJ's back in the day and stayed, because the tacky appeal that is lost on those with taste somehow worked on Bahrain. And now we cant go a day without hearing his wheeze, listening to his latest annoyance of choice or pretending to ignore today's mildly racist remark. But he'll stay, as long as he wants to stay. And he'll hum the same old tune, because that's what seems to work. It gets him a nice villa, a sponsored car, a host of personal appearance events and countless pseudo-endorsements. All because the powers that be that lurk somewhere in a ministry building just don't care.

And compared to Ian Fisher, Krazy Kevin is awesome. The 'Fish' is a personality free hack who seems to be in radio by virtue of being able to speak in English. With no charm, nothing interesting to say and the most repetitive show in the history of existence, nowhere else in the world would even consider employing him as a DJ for the one and only national radio station. Yet here he is a veteran. A (god help us all) trendsetter. A regular presence on our airwaves with whom a generation of Bahrain has grown up. It's just plain wrong.

The only way it could be worse is if Roy (the racist) Silverthorne were to return.

Yes, this is nothing more that an unstructured rant and for that I apologise. Now I'm going to bang my head against the wall for entertainment. It's better than listening to the radio.

Vaguely newsworthy nonsense

Every now and then the great fountain of knowledge that is the GDN spews forth a little nugget of amusement under the guise of news. For example, today a story entitled 'Funds blow tocorniche facelift plan' demonstrated:

a.) The sheer idiocy of municipal councillors and

b.) The GDN's remarkably inept excuse for journalism

For over a year there's been talk of a massive revamp to the dimly lit pointlessness that is the AlFateh corniche. Work was allegedly scheduled to start in July, at a cost of BD8 million, to turn the urban beachfront into "a family development, in which families come first, and not a place where bachelors hang out at their expense".

There was just one problem. One tiny little hiccup. Funds. You see, in all the hullabaloo about thehubbly bubblies, the people with the 'plan' didn't actually secure funding. It turns out that to execute an eight million dinar project, you need about eight million dinars.

It's okay though, because the Manama Municipal Council has a plan. They're going to offer up parts of the corniche for investment to help generate income for the project. The project that is supposed to start in a couple of weeks. Genius.

And now for some 'reporting', courtesy of the GDN:

"The municipality doesn't know from where it would get the money, it only knows that it would lease parts of the development to investors," said council services and public utilities committee chairman Sadiq Rahma.

"It is easy to come up with a timeframe, by saying that work would start in July next year and take up to three years, but I don't know how work can go ahead without funding.

"This project is something that everyone is looking for, considering that it is the most popular seafront for bachelors, couples and families in the country.

"I don't know why municipality officials are willing to announce the project when the issue of coffee shops there is still not solved."

Fantastic stuff. So not only do they not have money, they have unsolved issues. Namelyshisha. The coffee shops on the corniche that serve shisa are apparently doing so illegally, or not, depending on how you interpret the GDN:

Licensed coffee shops at the corniche are currently operating without up-to-date contracts, as many refused to sign new ones when they were banned from serving sheesha.

The new law was issued in July last year, although the decision was reversed a few days later. If the decision was reversed a few days later, the new law would be a dead law, would it not? I am really confused.

"These coffee shops will be closed down to pave way for the development, whenever the municipality comes up with a serious timeframe for work," said Mr Rahma.

"Owners of coffee shops wishing to continue in the new development are welcome, but withoutsheesha being served.

"What we have in mind is a family development, in which families come first, and not a place where bachelors hang out at their expense.

"We are not saying bachelors shouldn't enjoy seafronts, but attracting them with sheesha is wrong."

As we all know, shisha is bad, because it is what bachelors do, and bachelors are bad, because they are not married, which is totally gay. Tobacco is not the hardest thing to make a strong argument against. They could've gone with the whole 'it'll fucking kill you' argument which seems to be gaining a bit of traction these days, but instead they went for the whole 'it attracts bachelors' approach.

It's all over the place. First he said it was the most popular seafront for bachelors, couples and families in the Kingdom. Then he said it was going to be a family development and 'not a place where bachelors hang out at their expense.' So bachelors are welcome, but not really, because they are a nuisance to families. What about couples? Is a couple technically a family in the eyes of the Municipal Council? How old do you have to be to no longer qualify as a teenager and fall into the dreaded 'bachelor' category?

I hate the GDN. I learnt nothing whatsoever from this story. In fact, I think I know less now than I did before I read it. Instead of asking questions, the reporters are content to scribble down the pointless utterances of absolutely anyone and print them, word for bloody word, to fill up space between overpriced advertisements and press releases about air conditioning. Or fridges.

In capable hands this story could have been used to unravel the idiocy of yet another institution of our 'democracy'. These people with considerable power and limitless opinion are allowed to plan multi-million dinar projects without actually figuring out where the money is coming from, and we are paying their salaries. Should the press not be horrified?

And amidst all the talk of Family Tourism, has anyone actually defined the term? No. Family Tourism is good because, according to the CEO of the EDB in an interview with none other that the Wall Street Journal, 'there is a higher spend per person'.

"We'd like to move away from the bachelor tourism to family tourism, where there is a higher spend per person"

Sounds like an assumption to me. How is this 'spend' calculated? Obviously there would be a higher spend per person, because that person would likely be shelling out for the entertainment of their entire family. But is that really a justifiable quantification? Family tourism is predominantly regional. In most of these instances, one person pays for everything including the hotel, the shopping, the cinema tickets and whatever else. When they imply that Family Tourism has a higher spend per person, does that mean that the head of a family spends more than a vacationing bachelor? If so, DUH. If not, fuck off. Either way, your statistics mean nothing to me unless I actually get to see them.

Surely alienating an entire, demonstrably profitable target market in favour of nothing more than an idiotic assumption borders on the criminal. Now I'm angry, and I blame the GDN.

Up, up and away

Hah. According to the GDN, MPs have decided to postpone a corruption probe into Gulf Air until after summer because they want to "avoid shaking public confidence during the peak summer months."

Yeah right.

Since when did parliament worry about the public's confidence in Gulf Air? Does it not seem more likely that our overpaid elected confederation of muppets postponed their much-hyped corruption investigation because they want to go on holiday?

They want to sack the CEO immediately, but corruption... that can wait. And this is no ordinary corruption. No, this is the really bad kind of corruption. The deadly kind. The kind Bahraini democracy despises. Expatriate corruption.

According to our wise pillars of society, the corruption and mismanagment cases are 'affiliated to six or seven expatriate senior officials'. No Bahrainis, because as we all know, us Bahrainis are immune to corruption. Not like them expatriates. Even the phrasing is racist - 'expatriate senior officials'. Not senior officials who happen to be expatriates, but rather expatriates who are senior officials.

The more I think about it the more ridiculous it sounds. Does corruption in an established bureaucracy seriously damage public confidence? If it did, Bahrain's public would have the confidence of a mouldy turnip.

Perhaps they're worried that during the execution of their brilliant CSI-style investigation it will be discovered that Gulf Air's planes are rubbish. That might scare people. Or that the food is recycled from hotel Brunch leftovers. That might turn them off. But people boycotting an airline because some of the executives are corrupt? Really? This ridiculously remote scenario must be based entirely on assumptions. The assumption that people care enough to actually read about a corruption probe. The assumption that the press would actually, y'know, be informative. And the mind-bogglingly massive assumption that the fare-paying public is so morally indignant that they will specifically avoid Gulf Air to make an ethical point.

"Sorry kids.. We're not going on holiday this year"

"Why Daddy? Why?"

"Because of corruption my children"

"What's a corruption Daddy?"

"Corruption is a disease brought to Bahrain by the expatriates, and there's been an outbreak at Gulf Air. So until they get rid of every last bit of evil expat corruption, we're going nowhere."

Utter bullshit. They're going on holiday, plain and simple. It's been a difficult year for our simple MPs. Perhaps they deserve a break, especially after all the hard work that went into giving themselves a pay rise.

Three cheers for democracy. Ain't it awesome?

Pesky swine.

Great. 
Fantastic.

Wonderful. 

Swine flu. Swine bloody flu. The man-made disease that has nothing to do with bloody swine has arrived on our sunny shores, despite parliaments ridiculous attempt to prevent it from doing so by banning pork. Hurrah!

It was bound to happen. Not just because of the utter ignorance of our elected peers who were likely delighted by the emergence of this new strain of evil, but because Bahrain is a prime candidate for such a disease - especially now that students are coming home from all across the world for the dreaded summer.

If parliament really cared, they might have done a bit of reading on the subject. Instead of trying to use the panic to pass pointless legislation, which they are guilty of doing, they might have been better served trying to limit the influx of US Military into our Kingdom. That there have been no cases, reported as yet, amongst the servicemen and women in Bahrain does not mean that it wont happen. Look at Kuwait, with 18 or so sniffly new cases. We're hosting an aircraft carrier. There is a lot of room for sniffles to hide on board a ship bigger than Manama. The families of military personnel are set to flood back into Bahrain, bringing with them their savings, pets, thoughts, and quite possibly, disease. But our guardians, the mighty Members o' Parliament think it wiser to prevent our damnation instead of protecting our health. 

Get sick for all we care. As long as you don't eat pork, drink alcohol or try to interfere with our much deserved pay raise, it's all good. We're busy with other shit.. y'know... important stuff. Important stuff, like, well... family law. 

Yeah, we've gone from swine flu to family law. Why? Because, of course, of parliament. And because I'm rambling. 

Last week, parliament passed a long-awaited family law draft that aims to improve the status of women. This law was intended to govern things such as personal status, marriage, divorce and custody. It is, as anyone who has ever read our local excuse for a newspaper knows, a much needed start. And it sounds good. So far. The problem is that this long awaited law will only improve the status of Sunni women. Only Sunni women. No Shiites, because that'd be, well... bad. 

The initial draft, submitted by the government, did in fact cover both Sunni and Shiite women, but Al Wefaq, the voice of Shiites in our 'esteemed' house of representatives, rejected it without compromise. Why? Because according to Al Wefaq, the Parliament is not qualified to debate or decide on family matters rooted in religious jurisprudence. 

So, the government revised the draft, changing the title from 'family law' to 'family law: Sunni section'. It sounds like a bad sequel to an awful movie, starring the woman from Judging Amy and the guy from Law and Order. And it gives way to a two-tiered family status that will be chaotic at best and barbaric at worst. It is patently unfair and unwise, in every possible way. 

And, thanks to the entire Shiite block of parliament walking out, the family law sequel was passed. It has not yet been signed into law, and over twenty NGO's have appealed to delay that happening, arguing rightly that endorsement of the law would slow efforts to introduce a common family law to Bahrain. Who is left for our parliament to alienate? Expats? check. Liberals? check. Non-Muslims? Check. Labourers? check. Women? check.  The only people that are likely to have anything good to say about our attempt at democracy are conservative, Muslim, Bahraini men with no logic... oh, wait... they're the MPs. 

That's what parliament have been up to.  

That, and well, giving themselves a massive pay rise. A pay rise that they believe they deserve. A pay rise that takes them even further out of touch with reality. A pay rise that in the end, will likely be their undoing. I for one believe that parliament should double their salaries. Not because they earned it, but because by doing so, people with brains and qualifications would be more inclined to compete in elections. And these people, with a hint of intelligence and a smidgen of logic, would likely win whatever seats they contested. And the MPs of old will have to kiss goodbye to their fat paychecks and numerous benefits. They will be relegated back to the real world, where their self-righteous indignation will go all but unnoticed. And maybe, just maybe, Bahrain will be able to reclaim a bit of its squandered pride. 

But first we have to deal with that pesky swine flu. 

Obstinate Morons

Parliament are at it again. Still unhappy despite the shockingly primitive and biased way with which our Ministries dealt with alcohol in the hotel industry, Parliament are now calling for 'a blanket ban on public sales of alcohol at Bahrain's hotels, restaurants, clubs and off-licenses'. 

They tried the same thing last year, to no avail. But this year it's different, because they've thrown in a concession or two. This time around, they're nice enough to allow those who want to consume alcohol to consume it, in the privacy of their own homes, thanks to the marvel that is home delivery. Oh, and guests in hotels would be allowed to get hammered in their rooms, but nowhere else. And since being drunk in public is a supposed crime, tourists would have an awesome time watching TV, looking out the window and surfing our extraordinarily restricted Internet. 

This new go round was proposed by Parliaments legislative and legal affairs committee vice-chairman because 'It is the main reason behind unclean tourism and the consequences the country is facing from increased crime.' Okay, but since you are so gosh darn certain, surely a few facts, figures or even interesting sketches would help support your claims. If it is the 'main reason' as you stipulate, I want proof. I demand proof. Your word is worth about as much to me as the McDonald's coupons you used to get on the back of a cinema ticket, and I hate McDonald's.

And then it gets better. Parliament financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman spewed his two cents: 'We don't want this unclean money, even if the government claims that it is benefiting the economy.' Choice words coming from the the financial and economic affairs committee vice-chairman - someone who is supposed to, y'know, sort our economic and financial problems, not make them worse. May I be so bold as to ask what your qualifications are, Mr. vice-chairman? Economic and financial qualifications that is, as I care not about your level 9 devotion to the lord. Would you be so kind as to demonstrate how much money is generated from alcohol and the hospitality industry, and then present us with your fantastic plan to nullify the net loss incurred by obliterating these industries? How do you propose to appease the thousands of Bahrainis who will inevitably find themselves jobless due to your irresponsible certainty? 

And then, the icing on the cake of insolence and the nail in the coffin of common sense was generously provided by Parliament's foreign affairs, defence and national security committee chairman: 'We will accept failure in the economy if alcohol is banned, since we have taken the decision. The call is ours and we will handle the consequences.' 

Talk about a power trip. First of all, this bloke is on the foreign affairs, defence and national security committee. While it is far too broad a mandate to be of any real-world use and likely just a nice line to throw onto his shiny business cards, he is responsible for foreign affairs. Do tell us how this blanket ban would affect Bahrain's relationship with the western world? How would it affect our image? How would you plan to fill the vacancies left when scores of professional, specialised westerners fled in disgust? 

Consequences. They speak of consequences, obviously aware they will arise. But how could anyone with a hint of brain matter be comfortable allowing these rejects from the Muppet show to deal with such 'consequences'. I for one am terrified. 

It would go something like this: 

Brain Drain? Not a problem. I have a cousin who would like to be a senior engineer specialised in whatever the hell it was that guy who went to Saudi for twelve times more cash was doing. Also, you know, Bahrainis should be getting this very highly paid, specialised jobs. In fact, I have several brothers who would be very good managing offshore banks, because they are good with money and have nice cars, even a Mercedes.

Unemployment? No, no, no. They will all be happy when they are not forced to do the devils work. Happier in their souls. So what if they cannot feed their children? Dying of hunger is much better than eating food prepared by the devil.  And when they all die, then there will be less need for jobs, no? So god will solve this problem that you call 'unemployment', inshallah.

Tourism? As we have specified on numerous occasions, we are only interested in family tourism. You know, rich families who want to spend lots of money in our shops. In fact, I have several outlets of my own, catering exclusively to stupid rich people and their children. Families are easier to rip off. Also, we don't want people who come to Bahrain to have fun, especially if they are not rich, because if that happens, they will come back, possibly even with friends. This would be bad, because people who like to enjoy themselves and do not have lots of money are clearly working for the devil. Also, we have Formula One, so once a year we can milk tourists for all they're worth. What more do we need?

Right to personal freedom? Yes, we may have specified that everyone has a right to personal freedom, but by everyone, we meant MPs. And by personal freedom, we meant the right to browse the world of porn without anyone finding out. We did not mean that normal people should have rights, because then how would we be better than them? 

I live in hope that the cabinet, who have to approve this proposal before it becomes law, will discard it as they have done previously. And if they do, will someone please tell these MPs to get over themselves and actually do something that might possibly help Bahrain. Please? Sort out something that you'd be hard pressed to make worse, like traffic. Or why not form a choir? At least that would be amusing in a less frightening way. How about MP smackdown? You could televise it, franchise it and make some cash with which to offset the net losses to the economy that you so willingly pursue. Or perhaps you should all go on holiday, again. The further away you all are, the less harm to common sense we have to endure. I hear Fiji is nice this time of year. And Siberia can be a blast. I'll even chip in for your tickets. 

Can I Help You?

What the hell? I say hell, or rather I write hell, for the hell of it. I do not write the word hell because I am satanic. But what's the bet the CID and other power-mad loons don't see it that way? 

By now I'm sure some if not most sane individuals have heard about the travesty that was the 'Rage to the Extreme' rock concert that was held at the Palace Hotel recently. The promoters jumped through all the hoops, filled in all the forms and kissed all the ass that needed kissing - all part of the thankless task of organising events in Bahrain. 

The show went on. For a little while. Until, in their ultra-righteousness, some CID muppets climbed on stage and arrested a guitarist. Not for being untalented. Not for instigating revolution. Not for dealing drugs or starting a riot or anything. No... they arrested the poor sod because he was wearing a t-shirt that they deemed inappropriate and satanic. Seriously. This t-shirt:

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? What right do the CID of all people have to judge what is and is not satanic? And do they really possess the right to arrest, confiscate, photograph and humiliate the person guilty of their subjective crime? 

The guitarist in question was Sri Lankan and was part of a group called the Mushroom Massacre. Sure, they're a hard rock outfit with a suspect name who perform self-composed 'gems' like 'Ode to a Motherfucker', but that doesn't mean they are satanic. Playing or enjoying loud and heavy music is not a gateway to the underworld, as our authorities and elected peers would have us believe. It is, like just about everything else, a matter of personal taste. 

Taste. Something CID obviously don't have. Because after being arrested and humiliated and whatnot, Bahrain's very own guitar hero left captivity wearing... wait for it... a Craig David t-shirt. Because Craig David is obviously not satanic. Sure, he sings about having sex with loads of women and his breakout hit was a song about him sneaking about with someone else's girl, but CID likes Craig, so he cant possibly be Satan's pal. 

This is how it happened, in the words of someone who was actually there:

"Someone just came on stage and said the show was over, after that there were two breaks for prayer" 

Two breaks for prayer? At a rock concert? Because we all know that if you don't pray twice after listening to rock, you're well and truly fucked. The first prayer confuses the demon. The second one suckerpunches it upside it's ugly demon head and sends it back to hell. 

The power mad CID also took it upon themselves to instruct the entire crowd to turn their t-shirts inside out. Surely they have better things to do than enforcing unwritten dress codes - y'know, like catching people who plant bombs in cars and stuff. Perhaps they have priorities. I can just imagine the list in CID HQ:

CID Most Wanted:

1) Satan

2) People who like Satan

3) Witches

4) Alcohol drinkers

5) Pork eaters

6) Black t-shirt wearers

7) Runaway workers 

8) Language abusers

9) Gang Rapists

10) Terrorists

Have they not learnt that stupidity of this magnitude gets a whole lot of international attention? Type 'Bahrain' into Google News and you'll get a combination of articles about a.) Formula Bloody One and b.) A guitarist being arrested for a really, really stupid reason. This is the impression we are sending the rest of the world. We race fast cars and arrest people for wearing mildly amusing t-shirts. 

The authorities should be embarrassed and the CID officers responsible should be disciplined - unless we want the world to believe that Bahrain's best crimefighters are also the all-new Morality Police. First we were being compared to China. Now we're the all-new Saudi too. Up next: North Korea?

 

The Censorship Saga Continues...

Bahrainblogs.org, an aggregator of Bahraini blogs and nothing more, has been blocked by the Ministry of Information and Vultures. All it did was put all the blogs about Bahrain in one easy to find place, and nothing more. Blocking it is like banning the phone book because you don't like some of the people listed in it. I'd love to know what regulations and/or laws of the Kingdom of Bahrain Bahrainblogs.org allegedly violated. Perhaps it was that, y'know, regulation type thing about linking to stuff that could possibly contain opinion. No such rule? Who cares? Block it anyway. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

First of all, it's only blocked in Bahrain. It will still be updated (I hope) and read (I know) by people here and abroad. I wonder if the Ministry realises that blocking sites only blocks them locally? I don't think they do. I think they think that by clicking their magic block button, all the criticisms will disappear. Nobody will ever get a chance to read them ever again. And the opinionated bloggers, they'll be so utterly frustrated by the big powerful Ministry's actions that they'll give up blogging all together. 

Morons.

As soon as they press their magic block button people get curious. And curiosity is far more powerful than any stupid blue coat firewall. Anyone with a hint of inspiration has already figured out how to bypass the pointless blockages, and with every new blockage emerges a wave of new bypass experts. Soon their whole morality-upholding experiment will be proven to be what it actually is: a complete, utter waste of time and money. Their time. Our money. 

The more they block stuff, the more people sit up and take notice. And when they take notice, they criticise. And when the right people criticise, even more people take notice. And soon everyone knows that Bahrain is "getting the hang of China's tricks". Not my words, but the words of Foreign Policy magazine. They talk about the 'pornography' excuse - 'a government-sanctioned effort to crack down on online vulgarity -- to shut down several sites offering highly critical opinions on political and social issues in modern China.' Sound familiar?

So now we're being directly compared to China, by reputable international publications. How the hell is that progress? Shouldn't someone get in trouble? After all, all Bahrain has ever cared about is its reputation. We blush when people call us progressive and democratic and free, so naturally we should be outraged when we are being compared to China, shouldn't we? Why are the only people getting disciplined are very same people who have been pointing out, from day one, that censorship is primitive and pointless?

Interestingly, the article goes on to point out that users who never wanted to access porn or political content are more likely to learn how to use censor-evading tools so that they can do the things they'd like to do online. This is known as the Cute Cat theory of digital activism. Read it. 

Make no mistake - the blocking will continue.  There is no way, no chance in hell, that they'll consider giving up now. So they'll cover their eyes and plug their ears and go on their merry way, barricading access to anything remotely opinionated or 'immoral'. And the blogging will go on. And the criticisms will get louder and louder and louder.  And eventually, when Bahrain's reputation has been dragged through the mud repeatedly, someone somewhere in the upper echelons of some ministry somewhere will realise that nothing has been achieved. But by then it'll probably be too late. 

  

The New Bahrain

They're at it again. The officials who think they can do whatever the hell they want to do under the guise of progress and morality have started a 'crackdown' on hotels violating tourism laws. But, according to the only information us plebs are allowed to know, the crackdown follows 'a new set of by-laws regulating hotels' operations''. Which, to my admittedly simple mind, sounds like they just made up a whole bunch of new laws and immediately set about prosecuting offenders. 

And that is just not fair. And it is definitely not Business Bloody Friendly either. And its about as far away from progress as you can get. 

These 'measures' (newspeak for draconian punishment) are being implemented in the name of 'family tourism' - an oft-used term that has yet to be officially defined. Hotels violating the 'new set of by-laws' will face penalties and even closure, according to Bahrain's self-appointed sensei of censorship, morality and the common good. 

They spoke of it last week and a few days ago it became a reality. Hotels across the Kingdom received letters informing them that they were no longer allowed to sell alcohol. One star and two star hotels. Cheap hotels. Hotels that cater to the less than rich. So, it's fair to say, Bahrain hates poor people. 

First of all, assuming that the only sleaze in Bahrain exists in cheap hotels is the equivalent of assuming that only cheap cars pollute, or that only poor people fart. It's fucking ridiculous. All the three, four and five star hotels are rife with sleaze, but it's expensive sleaze. And banning alcohol in one and two star hotels unfairly discriminates against the less successful or financially prudent. For now at least. It has been made clear that the same rules will apply to three and four star hotels in the near future, which essentially means as soon as the formula wahid circus has been and gone. 

Which leaves the five star hotels. Now, according to the all-wise Ministry, only rich people are allowed to drink. Poor and middle class people in Bahrain should either stay at home and shut up or go somewhere else. They aren't welcome here, not if they want to, y'know, socialize. We may need them to build our shiny, upcoming future kingdom, but we don't want them to have any fun while they're doing it. That'd be haram. 

These letters took many by surprise. The employees of bars, restaurants and whatever else have no idea whether or not they have jobs. During a recession no less. There is no recourse. No appeal. No explanation, other than that Bahrain wants more 'family tourism'.

In absence of warning, it's fair to assume that the majority of one and two star hotels face uphill struggles to avoid ruin. So the only family tourism that Bahrain cares about is rich family tourism. Families that can afford no more than one and two star hotels, well they're not welcome here. We don't take kindly to them folk. Why not be clear? It's not family tourism we care about, it's rich people. People with gold cards. People who are willing to shell out for the characterless luxury that Bahrain has to offer. Everyone else can go straight to hell. Cause we're Islamic 'n stuff, and poor people are, umm, haram?

It is a ridiculous situation. Last month the Parliament said they wanted all alcohol moved to hotels, and only hotels. Last week the Minister of Info-Cult said they wanted all alcohol out of hotels. What the hell? By utterly failing to regulate the 'tourism' industry in Bahrain we are left with absolutely nothing. The sad thing is, the one and two and three and four star hotels that are no longer allowed to serve booze or hire female 'singers' will still be the dens of immorality they always were. The whores will serve drinks in teapots in coffeeshops while the places that actually catered to the utterly bored expat population in the Kingdom fall by the wayside. 

It was my understanding that tourism was no longer under the control of the Ministry of Information and Culture. That's what we were told. We were promised an all-new tourism authority that actually knew stuff about tourism. Instead, in a blatant attempt at power grabbing, we've been subjected to the 'Minister knows best' doctrine that has failed us time and time again. 

What does this irrational behaviour do for the reputation of Bahrain? We've spent millions marketing ourselves as cosmopolitan and progressive in desperate attempts to divert people from our shinier, happier neighbours. And when the precious foreigners with fat wallets get here and consider buying those expensive, pointless high-rise properties in Juffair we turn around and tell them to piss off. What a brilliant way to dig ourselves out of a recession. The lack of thought is startling. Shouldn't something with consequences as far reaching as this have, y'know, a plan or something, or at the very least, a process?

The Bahrain of old is officially dead. This is the new Bahrain, where liberties and personal freedoms are damned in the name of subjective morality and 'family tourism'. The all new, elitist Bahrain, where friends of ministers can get as drunk as they like in overpriced five-star hotels while everyone else sits at home wondering why the hell they moved here in the first place. The 'improved' Bahrain, a place where progress is raped and hypocrisy is all the rage. The 'democratic' Bahrain, a place where common sense is discarded in favour of misplaced idealism; an island where religious, racial and class discrimination shape public policy. 

In our futile attempts to become the Monaco of the Middle East we've ended up more like the retarded offspring of North Korea and Texas. Everything anyone ever loved about this Kingdom is being destroyed systematically, but it's all okay, because we have Formula One. 

I hate the new Bahrain. And since I have an opinion, the new Bahrain obviously hates me too. 

STOP SHOUTING

If anyone was ever unfortunate enough to stumble upon the Kingdom of Bahrain's official news agency's website (www.bna.bh), they'd be forgiven for thinking Bahrain was a backward, angry country. Everything, every single bloody release, is IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Nothing is ever remotely interesting, let alone newsworthy, but every now and then a chunk of quoteworthy pointlessness emerges. 

Now is one of those times. As I attempted to trapse through this wonderful piece of journalistic awesomness my head started to pound and then I started to laugh. Here are some excerpts for your entertainment. The CAPS are theirs, the underlining and boldification is all mine. 

First, the intro (so you know what they be talkin 'bout):

MANAMA, APRIL 11 (BNA) UNDER THE PATRONAGE OF THE MINISTER OF CULTURE AND INFORMATION SHAIKHA MAI BINT MOHAMMED AL KHALIFA THE INTERNATIONAL FEDERATION FOR JOURNALISTS OFFICE IN BAHRAIN WAS OFFICIALLY OPENED.... Blah blah blah. (In capital letters, naturally).... 

And now, some o' the good stuff: 

SHAIKHA MAI IN HER ADDRESS AT THE EVENT PRAISED THE STEP ACHIEVED AFFIRMING THE STANDARD OF JOURNALISM AND THE DEMOCRATIC EXPRESSION  WITHIN THE ATMOSPHERE OF REFORM WHICH THE MINISTRY SUPPORTS THROUGH TRANSPARENCY AND ETHICAL PRINCIPLES. 

Translation: Ministry Awesome, Democracy Good. Hi five!

THE MINISTER ALSO EXPRESSED HER OPTIMISM RELATED TO FURTHER OPENING HORIZONS OF THE RIGHTS OF COMMUNICATION AND EXCHANGE OF INFORMATION AND THE DEMOCRACY OF MEDIA. SHE INDICATED THAT THEIR WAS A TRUE AND SERIOUS MOVE TO TREAT ISSUES THAT CRIPPLE THE FLOW OF EXCHANGE OR DISRUPT THE ETHICS OF THE PROFESSION. 

Translation: What censorship? Everything in our shiny Kingdom is hunky dory, and it's getting better. Honestly.

SHAIKHA MAI ALSO AFFIRMED THE MINISTRY'S PUSH TOWARDS FURTHER FREEDOM OF PRESS AS PART OF THE GENERAL FREEDOMS WHICH NEEDS EXPANSION AND GET RID OF ALL ADMINISTRATIVE AND LEGAL OBSTACLES TO PRACTICE THIS PROFESSION ON A STRONG BASIS....

Translation: Despite being as super-awesome as we currently are, we'll do our best to make ourselves even super-awesomer, even though we really dont have to. 

It goes on and on and on. Read more if you dare. My head hurts too much.